Friday, 4 March 2011

How Much Do I Share?

I am happy that we now have a plan. I am happy that this plan seems to be our best chance of having a healthy living baby that we get to bring home with us this time. The part I struggle with now is how much to share with the people I know in real life?

Egg donation is still a pretty new thing. While I know lots of people who have done IUI, IVF, and even adoption, I don't know anyone who has used any kind of donor. I tend to be a bit of an open book when it comes to my infertility and loss journey, but this time I feel I need to carefully consider what I say.

I have only told my family and 2 very close friends so far and they were all amazingly supportive. But the expat community is a rather tight knit group. A bit like a small town, or living in the dorms in college where everyone know everyone else's business. As a result of this tight knit community, I have a rather large group of friends. Normally this is a great thing, but in this case I feel the need for some discretion.

As with any small town-type environment, there are a lot of friendly faces around. There is also a lot of gossip and judgement. The last thing I want is for my major life decisions to become fodder for gossip. I also am in no place to be able to handle any kind of negativity or judgement. I may be getting stronger, but I'm still very sensitive and vulnerable.

It's not that I'm ashamed that if we have another child it won't be genetically related to me. My life has been completely shatterd by the death of my son. I would do anything to be able to bring home a happy, healthy baby. It's just that I'm not sure I want everyone to know exactly how we did it. I have this vision of people meeting my child and immediately trying to see if he or she doesn't look like me. I imagine conversations where people say things like, "Well they did a good job picking out a donor because that baby looks like it belongs to them," or "That baby looks nothing like her, good thing he/she looks like his/her father." 

Perhaps I'm being overly paranoid. Perhaps this is what adoptive parents think about too. Perhaps I'm not giving myself and others enough credit. Or perhaps this is exactly what people will say and do and I don't want to have to deal with it.

Perhaps I need more time before making this decision.

I'm going to Brussels with some friends this weekend for a girl's weekend. Let's hope I can keep my big mouth shut after a few glasses of wine.


  1. I say- you have to do what feels comfortable for you. You know deep down what the right answer is because you can probably feel it in your gut and then you over think it and that's when you start to question your decision. I do that ALL the time. Go with your gut instinct. I can only imagine how difficult this decision must be, I have never been put in your situation before. I admire your courage and strength and your willingness to share your struggle even if it is anonymously. Hang in there- you'll figure out what the right answer is and don't be ashamed if it's just to keep it to yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation as long as you know in your heart it's the right decision for you and your family.

    Love and Hugs,

  2. Hello,
    Thanks for sharing with us, you are very strong and brave
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    Thanks and have a great day!

  3. Keep it private. You can always tell people later if you change your mind but once you tell you can never take back! You deserve some privacy in all of this!

  4. That would be tough. I can understand not wanting to be judged. I unfortunately do not have a supportive family when trying for another because of the loss I suffered with my first born. My hubs and I have decided its best to keep it from anyone for as long as humanly possible. The family does know that we want to try but they do not know when we will and they will not know for a period of time just so that we can catch our breathe. I'm glad that you and your husband are ready to get things started. Looking forward to more updates.

  5. If it were me, I'd keep it private, just because, as you said, you're already in a vulnerable and sensitive place. I think that's reason enough. Like a previous commenter said - you can always tell them later if you change your mind!

  6. Hey there.

    Nice writing- I know it's not easy sharing these things.

    I've (randomly) come across several great ladies out there who all write about the struggles of infertility.

    You should check them out:

    The second one is usually hilarious.

    And, if you just want some distraction, say, picturing a cat being hurled through the air by yours truly (she totes deserved it), check me out at:

    And yeah, I agree, keep it private!


  7. Such a big decision.... I agree with Jodi that it might be worth taking your time and telling others when you feel that time is right & you know exactly how you want to do it. Gossip is such an awful thing - but people stoop to gossip out when they don't really understand. One the other hand, your decision to use egg donation sounds like it's been made with so much love that it is something to be proud of and 'shout from the mountain top'... others might gossip but they will come to understand and see the love you have for your future bub. Good luck... I admire you greatly xoxo

  8. Well, you can never un-tell, so maybe it is best to keep that part to yourself for now? Until you are sure what you want to share and with whom?

    By the way, you might find this website interesting - it is for parents via egg donor (or donor embryo). There is a great and supportive online community there - you can be anonymous and just "be" with other people going through similar decisions, questions, etc.

    Enjoy your weekend away!

  9. See, I ask one thing before sharing it...can I undo? If you can't and won't like to to face it if you wanted to and can't, don't do it.

    So share only WHEN you seriously are okay with people knowing it.

    There are ALI blogs that have used donor eggs to get pregnant, so maybe you could start reading and connecting with them. Blogs such as Hope Springs Infertile and Trying to Get Pregnant by Another Man are some of these blogs...

    Good Luck!

  10. No matter what we're going through or doing, ppl are going to judge us and they do. Regardless of what you share with who, you will be the point of someone's gossip. However, I truly believe it's our choice of how we allow that judgment and gossip to affect us. Share what you want w/ who you want.

  11. Having grown up in a small town I totally get where you are coming from! I am the type of person who regularly over-shares, but I also regret that fairly often. On the flipside you never know who might be helped by hearing your story too. The important thing is to be comfortable with the fact that what you are doing is right for you and your family and nothing to be ashamed of! I hope your girls weekend was fabulous!