Monday, 21 March 2011

Anger and Shame- You Are Not Welcome Here

I've been angry lately. I'm not good a dealing with anger or even recognizing it in myself. I don't like to be angry and have irrational angry thoughts. I am ashamed of my angry irrational thoughts. They make me feel like I'm out of control, and I hate being out of control.

My natural coping mechanism for anger is to ignore it. But I am learning how to recognize it. The first sign is usually that I want to eat everything in sight. Being hungry or not being hungry doesn't matter, I get this voice telling me I need to eat, to graze, to snack. Logically I know that stuffing my face will not help stuff down the anger that is brewing, but most of the time I am unable to stop myself.

This is especially disturbing to me because I am trying desperately to get healthy and lose weight before trying to get pregnant again. I am paying a trainer to work with me once a week to help me get in shape. I have stuck to my exercise plan and am working out 5 days a week. But I just can't control my eating.

I am 15 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant last time but I'm still pretty far from and ideal BMI. I want to get as fit and healthy as I can before any new pregnancy. I know my weight isn't what caused my son to die, but a healthier me is a better me.

So I'm mad at myself for not losing weight, and when I get mad at myself, I eat. It's a vicious cycle. It's the reason I'm not a a slender size 6. I don't know how to fix it.

Once I get angry, any little thing can set me off. Here's what is currently driving me crazy.
  • Our house is a total mess. It looks like a bomb went off in here. It was spotless last week on Tuesday and now it looks like a tip. We are total slobs, and I am ashamed of that.
  •  I have not been able to control my eating as well as I would like. I haven't gained any weight, but I'm not losing either. I am ashamed of that. How is it possible that the one thing I know will help me get pregnant is the one thing I appear to be incapable of doing? Am I sabotaging myself? Or is there something seriously wrong with me?
  • My husband got sick on Saturday so we couldn't have our date night. I was angry and disappointed. Not angry at him for not feeling well. But angry that we couldn't have our fun night out. I sulked silently as I ate my beans on toast for dinner. So not what I had in mind for the night. My husband noticed and felt bad about it. That made me ashamed of myself for sulking over something so silly and making him feel guilty.
  • The laundry has piled up over the week. Nothing new but today I woke up angry that my day will be filled with nothing but laundry and cleaning our pig-sty of a house. 
  • I'm angry that I didn't shower yesterday, or get out of my pj's for that matter. So I look terrible, my hair is greasy, and I am all kinds of "fragrant." I am ashamed and embarrassed about that.
  • I feel like a total slob, kind of like the state of my house right now. We match perfectly. Dirty, smelly, and neglected. So much potential underneath all the mess.
If I were still seeing my therapist I'm sure she would tell me that I'm not really angry about being fat or having a messy house. I'm sure deep down I'm just hitting the anger phase of grief.

I don't really believe in the phases of grief as a rule because I think we each follow our own path. But I'm feeling a lot of anger right now. And none of the things I'm currently angry about are new things. So I have to deduce that it's part of my grieving process.

But the timing sucks! We are just getting to the point where we are ready to try again. We fly to the US this week to meet with the egg donation clinic. I am so excited about this. I really am. So why the anger now??? At the worst possible time? Anger and shame, you are not welcome here!

Please go away!


  1. I'm sorry that you and your hubs didn't get your date night. I hope he is better. You are so right about the stages of grief, we should not be cleaning or doing laundry but watching our little ones but unfortunately they are not here. It sucks, so be angry, let yourself have these thoughts as it is normal. I hope your trip here goes well and that your meetings give you hope. Hugs to you.

  2. Another one who does not believe in the stages of grief so much as I too also think we follow our own path. I can tell you that I am angry, really angry right now. It manifests itself in the stupidest of ways and I too know that I am really actually angry about losing Ava.

    I have no magic words but I am trying to accept that the anger comes and goes and that I cannot control it. It is part of the new me. I hope that it softens as time progresses as I really don't like to feel as angry as I do sometimes. Today is one of those days sadly so your post really resonated with me.

    I am keeping everything tightly crossed for your journey into egg donation.

    Sending much love and gentleness to you.


    PS - Our house is also a tip and it is really bugging me but I am essay marking so can't do it!

  3. My anger comes and goes, so I hope that yours will leave you very soon! I feel certain that it will leave you before your big trip because that is incredibly exciting! We ALL get angry at times. Just feel it, and don't repress it, and I hope it eventually fades.

    I too struggle with weight, so I am on that journey with you, as well. I just joined Weight Watchers to lose the weight I need to before I TTC again. I was exercising and getting no where. It is so frustrating! I cannot control myself without a plan and some accountability. I worked out with a trainer 4 days a week after I had Sloane, and it still took me 10 months to get where I needed to be because I could not change my eating habits. Now that I've found a plan I love and don't feel deprived on, I'm doing by best to try to change my habits for good (not ever eliminating anything, but just eating better overall). I'd love to take these new habits into my next pregnancy, too. Don't beat yourself up, though. Committing to exercise is a wonderful thing! Good luck!

  4. Hi, I am your newest follower. I found you through Mondays blog hop and I look forward to coming back. I am new to all this blogging and hopping so it really helps me out if you can come and visit me. I can really relate to your anger issues, and the loss of a child which for me is to long of a story to get into here. Good luck on your trip.

  5. Such a trying time, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about a dirty home, your appearance, etc. For me, some days come easily, and other days I'm dragging myself from one moment to the next... Lost.

    I understand your anger. In a way you may very well be sabotaging yourself, because why wouldn't you? You have every right to be angry- you shouldn't have to be worrying about losing weight, you're supposed to have your baby... It's hard, this anger and resentment.

    I hope things go well for you at your appointments and you once again have something to look forward to.

  6. So sorry you are having a hard time right now....I definitely understand the anger "stage" and like you I believe something different about the stages. When we first lost Aiden my brother-in-law who lost his first wife to cancer told me that the stages of grief come in cycles. And I totally agree with that. It's how it has happened for me. One day I'll be sad and crying and the next day I'm angry- "why did I lose my son" and "why is EVERYONE else pregnant and having safe, healthy, alive babies but I couldn't have Aiden". I even still have days where I am in total disbelief that this actually happened- "I didn't lose my baby...there's no way." I believe it's a total cycle and I'm being dragged along for the ride.

    I too would like to lose weight before the next baby. I'm not anywhere close to an ideal BMI and I need to lose weight bad. I am about 25 lbs lighter than I was before getting pregnant with Aiden but the weight loss I've had is totally due to not eating at all for about a month and a half after I lost him. But like you I am having a hard time dieting. I can't live without several Cokes a day and I know that is horrible but I feel like "Hey-I lost my baby and I'm sad and if the worst thing I'm doing to myself is drinking Cokes then whatever!"

    I'm praying for you mama. Cleaning the house is the last thing on my mind but I'm going to try to do that and some gardening today. I hope you have a better week this week.

    ((((((BIG HUGS))))))

  7. So you don't me. I found you through the blog hop. But I'm going to tell you my thoughts anyway, maybe they'll help you.
    I've lost a baby. And I'm battling Cancer now. All I can say is that everything happens for a reason. It took me a really long time to learn this, and I still get angry. I have two boys now.
    Two boys that have a mom with Cancer. It's not easy.
    My house is almost always a mess. I cannot afford a housekeeper.
    I am very familiar with ALL of the "phases" of grief.
    You will reach a point when you feel ready to slam the door on grief. Occasionally, the grief will reappear. But it gets to be less and less.
    As the weather get's better, so will you.
    Eating is an emotional crutch for many of us. Food equals comfort. I found that the more I left my house (this is easier when it's nicer outside) the less I ate because I wasn't sitting at home on my fat lazy ass doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself.
    Start to make plans to get out. I had certain times of the day that were triggers for me- especially the afternoon. So I made it a point to take a walk, meet a friend, go to the library- anything. I also met with a nutritionist to discuss what healthy and yummy snacks I could have to stuff my face with. Then I would buy tons of those and make sure that I didn't have any junk in the house.
    Good luck.
    Your newest follower.

  8. Well, we have interesting dynamics. I have lost all the weight, but am still unhappy-- so hopefully that reveals no matter how well you fit into those jeans, you'll still probably find things to be angry about in your grief.

    I thought losing the weight and getting back into my pants would make me feel more normal. Well, it made me feel guilty. I should be carrying a few extra pounds as I tote around that little munchkin... but I look (almost) like I were never pregnant. I'm having my own battles, though. Stress is overcoming me and I fear that will inhibit our abilities to become pregnant again.

    This damn grief. :(

    Didn't know you lived in RB?! Expat on military duty?? We've traveled a lot, but I've never been to the UK. Though I understood beans on toast because my former roommates were from Scotland. Those Heinz beans were a regular staple in our house. :)

  9. I can totally understand the anger thing. I've been the same way lately. I think for me it the realization on trying again...its no longer months down the road its not even a full week away. I guess Its nerves coming out as anger and frustration. I too struggle with weight loss...I how ever haven't been working out as much as I should. Oh well, right?
    I'm sure in no time you'll be back to a more "better" you and you can enjoy ttc very soon. keep up on the updates, especially around the egg retrieval. Thank you-

  10. so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. Oh tha anger phase, some days I feel I am passed that and other days everything makes me angry.
    I also tend to turn to food when I am stressed out, its usually all sweets though, so frustrating.
    Hopefully there will many fun date nights ahead and praying things go well at the Egg Donation Clinic.

  11. I'm sorry you're feeling so cruddy right now. Like other already said - the anger comes and goes for me. I imagine it will abate at some point for you. Until then can you do anything constructive to get it out? Break some thing(s)? Beat on a punching bag? Sometimes handling the anger in a physical way is helpful. Thinking of you and hoping for brighter days for you soon. xx

  12. Another one with a messy house here. I find it unbelievable that two people and a cat can live in so much clutter but most of the time neither of us has the energy to sort it out. Funnily enough downstairs is my mission today as its been bugging me for days now.

    I also have days where I just can't get dressed and don't shower. Sometimes it just takes too much energy.

    I guess all this and the anger make us normal for our situation. I wish I knew how to turn the anger off, but I find blogging it out helps when it gets particularly bad.

    Good luck for your upcoming trip to the clinic in America.

  13. I don't think that grief follows a 'nice' predictable pattern either... it comes in all sorts of waves and can knock you over sometimes. So sorry that you're feeling rotten and hope that you feel more positive for your appt. This is such a roller-coaster - it would be nice to get off and truly have a break sometimes - not just breaks enforced by waits b/n appts, cycles etc. Thinking of you for your appt coco

  14. I am a new follower! YEAY!!! Hope you will stop by my blog and follow back!

    Emma Michaels

  15. My anger seethes out of me in often unpredictable ways as well. I would imagine a little bit of the anger stems from fear of the unknown and what you will face at the clinic. Be forgiving of yourself mama. No one expects too much of you but you. If I could count all the days I didn't bother to shower I would be ashamed, but it reality I didn't hurt anyone with my stink. All my love to you and sending positive thoughts your way as you travel to the US~

  16. I can remmeber one day crying like the broken hearted and screaming with anger because my favourite track suit had turned a leprous colour in the washing machine..until I realised it was all about Hannah and things I loved being taken from me sending you a BIG BIG hug Martine

  17. You sound very overwhelmed. Can you find one thing that you might be able to tackle and do that first? Don't worry about the rest, just focus on one thing.