Easter snuck up on me this year. I didn't realize that it would hit me so hard. It's never really been a big holiday for the hubby and I.
I usually do a ham and buy us some chocolate, but that's about it. We don't even go to church anymore because we don't go the rest of the year and it feels slightly hypocritical to go on Easter and Christmas but not the rest of the year. So it's normally just a nice Sunday with a special dinner and phone and skype calls to the family back home.
In retrospect I should have expected the tears.
Easter is so much more of a kids holiday than I realized. Getting the outfit, the Easter basket, the Easter egg hunts, dying eggs the day before; all of these things are done when you have kids.
As I saw my real life friends happily posting photos of egg dying sessions and videos of egg hunts it hit me.
I am missing out on all of this.
Not that an 8 month old can dye eggs, but he would definitely have been old enough to dress in a cute outfit. Perhaps he would have been crawling around the floor grabbing Easter eggs (well the plastic ones, not the real ones). There would have been the photos of him with the Easter bunny in his cute outfit. I would have sent them via email and facebook to all my friends and family back home.
Except that he isn't here.
That's what really set me off I guess. The things I was missing out on. That I will always miss out on.
The boy that will never be.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Oh honey. :( I know I only started reading your blog a day or so ago, but I feel for you. I wish I could give you a hug, if that's not creepy for a complete stranger to say. I'm sorry for the sadness.
ReplyDeleteSimply Kate
I'm very sorry yesterday was so hard on you lady.....I felt the same way about the pictures and memories I would have had with my almost 6 month old this past weekend......it's so hard sometimes. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you in my thoughts today....sending lots of love!
xoxo
Hang in there, honey.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bittersweet time for many people.
Take care
SSG xxx
Sydney Shop Girl blog
So sorry, Easter was tough for me too. I was doing okay and then all of the sudden what "should" be knocked me over. I keep trying to figure out a way to better cope with holidays and I haven't found one yet. Sending lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteHe was the boy that was... He just can't be they boy that's here. :( Thinking of you momma.
ReplyDeleteYou took the words right out of my mouth. I did not expect to feel so sad and depressed about Easter! That's what happens I guess, sometimes things come up and you find yourself knocked down by a wave of grief...
ReplyDeleteEaster is a big deal in our family, but for some reason I didn't realize how hard of a day it would be. We didn't attend family events, but we did go to church and seeing all of the little girls in Easter dresses was so difficult and heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteWe do not got to church either. I've always found my spirituality in other ways and have always found it works better for me. Anyhow we did something completely different and visited a nearby garden. Just being outside and close to nature made my day so much better. I do know what you mean about it being a holiday for kids but then I think most holidays are for "the kids". I think as each one comes this year they will be difficult.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. The holiday celebrations are hard for for most. I hope that you can recover soon from this ugly truth.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today.
~Felicia
Sending you my thoughts....
ReplyDeleteI've never lost a child. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that must bring. My brother was suddenly and tragically taken in a car accident when he was 18. I watched my parent's deal with the loss while I was dealing with the loss of my friend and brother. It was a very difficult time for them. Sending thoughts and prayers, even though Easter is over...from a new follower.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to second what you and some of the others have said...I didn't expect Easter to be difficult either, yet it hit me like a ton of bricks.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending love and prayers your way...for peace and comfort.
Easter was definitely hard for me also knowing my Liam should be here. I also did not go to Church or want to risk seeing little ones searching for Easter eggs in there little Easter outfits :(
ReplyDeleteThinking of you
the name of your blog instantly caught my attention...I've spent most my life chasing normal! I too have felt the pain and devastation from the loss of a baby...I am sending out peace and comfort to you and all of those that 'get it'...It is just so wrong!
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry for your loss...
Amy @ http://mommetime.com/
Yes to all of it. We skipped Easter and my facebook hiatus means that I managed to avoid all of the cute pictures and reminders of what I'm missing out on. Of course I didn't need a reminder. Like I could ever forget. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you've had such a difficult Easter. It's funny how a holiday that you've not given much thought to before can be so painful. Your blog has really had an impact on me and I wish I could offer more than a virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you... and wishing your easter was different. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's always the sneaky ones that get you the worst I find. The pain you are expecting never seems as bad as you think it will be.
ReplyDeleteSorry Easter has been hard for you. Thinking of you.
Sara
http://lifepoststillbirth.blogspot.com/
thank you for your kind words the other day.
ReplyDeletei hate that you have to live with the constant pain...i know it will never go away, but i hope that it at least dulls as the years pass.
<3
andrea
That image of a little boy crawling around and grabbing things..I cook it up everyday a few times in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI wish your baby was there to spend the Easter with you. Life is just unfair.
I send you a prayer.
ReplyDelete<3
xoxox
Me x whatever number commenter I am. 'The boy who will never be' makes me catch my breath. Love to you mama~
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Sending love and support your way.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDelete(dropping by from PYHO)
I'm so sorry. *hugs*
ReplyDelete