Wednesday, 13 April 2011

The Morning After The Night Before

First of all I want to thank all of you for your lovely and supportive comments to my last post where I talked about my regrets about not being able to hold my son after he was born.
 *If you are visiting from Pour Your Heart Out , welcome. I have chosen to share this post instead of the post that inspired it because of the subject matter. The post that inspired this one is truly me pouring my heart out, but I was worried that those of you who have not lost children may find it too upsetting. My goal is never to shock people or make anyone feel uncomfortable with my words. 

I have read each and every one of them over and over and am still amazed at the support I have received. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be so comforted by the words of people who I have never met I would tell them they were crazy. Now I know better. I am thankful to be a part of this amazing group of women. This sorority of baby loss moms. Not thankful that we have lost our children of course, but thankful that we have somehow managed to find each other through all our pain.

I woke up the morning after writing that post with a very strange sense. I had a hangover. Not from alcohol, but from crying. It was an emotional hang over. I stayed in bed for a while after I woke up, a bunch of questions swirling around in my brain.

Have I really been feeling this way the whole time? How is it possible that I didn't know I felt that way? Where on earth did all that come from?

You see, up until a few hours before I shared my feelings here, I had no idea I had them. Seriously! I had never given it much thought. I was sitting on my couch watching TV (a program that had nothing to do with babies or children) when BAM! It hit me out of nowhere.

It was the strangest thing. All these thoughts came flooding into my head. Flashbacks of his birth, regret, sadness, shame. It came on so quickly that at first I didn't even know what was happening. Then the tears started, the sobbing, the shaking, my body curling up in the fetal position.

It was as if someone or something had taken over my body. Something had released a valve or opened a tap and these feelings were just flooding out of me. I had hidden them well, even from myself. It's a special skill I possess.

So yesterday I did some things just for me. My husband is out of town for a few days on business so I can do whatever I like, and I did. Throughout the day I kept getting your lovely comments via email. Each one did a little bit more to lift my spirits. By the end of the day I was feeling much lighter.

Today I feel even better. I am relieved to have these feelings out in the open. Not just open to all of you, but open to me. I am still amazed that I was holding all these feelings in such a deep place that I wasn't even aware they existed. Now that they are out, I can deal with them. I can talk to my husband about them. I can find a constructive way to work through them. Perhaps a way that doesn't involve stuffing my face with cookies.

I can deal with them before we start this new journey of trying for another baby. The less baggage I can carry with me, the easier it will be. The healthier I can be both mentally and physically, the better the chances for a healthy pregnancy and a living, take-home baby. 


  1. Beautifully written. I really appreciate your honesty. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  2. Hi there...I just read your previous post as well. My heart goes out to you times a million. I wish I had the perfect thing to say. (But rarely do I!) Thank you for sharing your story with will be in my thoughts! XO

  3. Oh hun - my heart breaks for you! I couldn't imagine going through what you are. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Sending you virtual hugs across the pond!

  4. My heart hurts for all that you have been through.

    I believe what you experienced is just part of the healing ugly and unwelcome as it is.

  5. I'm so happy for you that you are able to deal with these feelings- I think that it will help you to move on.

    And the support from the blogging world never ceases to amaze me.

  6. Im glad that you have opened up in ways you didn't know were possible and finding your way through this journey with a bit more insight of yourself. Sort of a self are so right, the more you get out and let go the better your chances of having a better tomorrow and the things in store for it.

  7. What a heartbreaking post you wrote...thank you for making others feel that nothing is 'normal' when grieving. I've found there are no rules after you lose a child.

    Every day you will feel stronger and better that you've let these simmering feelings boil over.

    Sending you a huge bear hug...
    Diana x

  8. Just read your previous post, and my heart hurts for you. I don't think we can expect ourselves to always make the right decisions when faced with such hurt. Regardless of whether or not you physically held him, you can still carry him in your heart forever..

  9. It's's ugly and sad, but it is necessary in order to heal. I'm going through the same thing still in grieving the death of my hurts more than anything in the world and I don't know how people who lose a bunch of loved ones all at the same time, (like in the Japan tsunami) deal with it without losing their minds. My heart goes out to you...I wish you peace and continued comfort..big hugs...

  10. I am all to familiar with both the regret of not getting to hold your child (I miscarried at 17wks) and with the sudden (WHAM! BAM!) hit to the gut of feelings grief brings out. Peace, comfort, love and hugs to you.

  11. So lovely that you're feeling lighter and more peaceful... you're right about to being better to lighten your load heading into your next chapter. You are already, and will continue to be, a great mum to all your children - no matter where they are... above us and your future ones xoxo

  12. I'm so glad you're feeling better today and that you were able to take some time to do somethings just for you. And yes, isn't this community of mothers amazing? I feel so very blessed to have such continuous and loving support from so many women.

  13. Sorry you were blindsided with grief (you know I can relate!) and so glad to hear that the morning after was easier on you. I imagine that getting ready to embark on your next pregnancy (or, you know, jabbing needles full of hormones into yourself), raises a lot of intense and conflicting emotions. Thinking of you.

  14. What a beautiful post. I am so sorry that you are enduring such grief, but I hope that your breakthrough will bring you peace quickly.

  15. Hi, im a new follower, Im also a baby loss mother, I know the feeling, I had the same sensations just last night... out of no where despair is the most difficult thing for me.. I even woke up sick from bawling during the night, its as if the crying lowered y all around energy levels and immunities.. its ridiculous. Im glad your ready for that now, Im excited for you. :)

    love and light always xoxo


  16. Oh memories...they rush at the vaguest stimuli - whether we are aware of the stimuli or not.

    I am glad you shared it though..and I hope what you are feeling after it is a kind of emotional relief- that you were able to say something that has had you so guilty.

    I just want to say that this sorority is a painful one, and nobody should be a part of this, but unfortunately we are here, and so while we are at it, supporting others and comforting others can be a good idea over anything else.

    You take care...

  17. I have never had to deal with the loss that you write off and won't be so arrogant to assume that I know how you feel. I will saythat I wish you luck getting healthy and getting to a place where you can be at peace.