For all of us who are grieving there are many firsts we have to go through. They are milestones that we must somehow endure. We tell ourselves that as we get through each of these firsts, we are somehow one step farther along in our grief process.
I've talked quite a bit about my firsts on this blog. I have talked about my first trip home and how hard it was. I have talked about the first Christmas without our son. I have written about having flashbacks the first time I go back to places that I associate with our loss. There were other firsts that perhaps I didn't write about, like my first birthday without my son, or the first time I found myself in a children's department after he died.
So many firsts. And mostly, these firsts have been associated with sad feelings.
But what about the happier firsts? Don't they deserve to be recognized as well? If my goal is to find my new normal. A normal where I am happy again, then shouldn't I also be writing about my happy firsts??
To be fair, I've already written about one of these happy firsts. Going back to volunteer at the school that I love was my first big step in a positive direction.
But last week I experienced another BIG first. Really, for me it was huge. So huge in fact, that I made a point of mentioning it to my husband.
I've made it a habit to hide the facebook statuses of most of my friends who have recently had babies. It's a defense mechanism that my fellow infertiles and BLM's know well. But I have one friend who hardly ever posts on facebook. She had struggled for years with infertility and recently gave birth to twins which were a result of IVF.
So I'm innocently scrolling down my news feed when I come across a photo of her Mom holding the two babies. "What a cute photo," I thought to myself. I marvelled at how lucky she was to have those two amazing babies and how happy her mother must be. I "liked" the photo. Then I realized something. I actually did like that photo. I didn't just push the button because that's what you were supposed to do. I didn't just do it so as not to appear like the bitter woman who's baby died and therefore can't be happy for anyone else with a baby.
I was actually happy for her. That photo made me feel happy and what I saw was just a grandmother holding two very cute babies. This is huge for me. It's the FIRST time I've been able to see a photo or a real life baby and not immediately think of my son. I didn't cringe. I didn't get that horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. I didn't feel jealous or ask why her and not me.
I didn't do any of those things. I just felt happy for her.
It was only later upon reflection that I realized what a huge thing this was. It was the first time I was able to see a baby and not feel like I was dying inside.
I'm not saying I'm cured of my aversion to babies just yet. But this was a great first step. And it's nice to be able to have a few firsts to write about that aren't sad.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Bag 'O Meds
The contents of my bag 'o meds. Plus the new bag I had to buy (at Target of course) to carry them home in. Note all the syringes and needles...... yikes!
Monday, 28 March 2011
1st Visit To The Egg Donation Clinic
I'm back from our very quick trip to the US to visit the clinic where we will be doing our egg donation. The weather was beautiful. The sun was shining and the skies were blue. The cherry blossom trees near the White House were blooming and looked absolutely beautiful. Everything looked like spring and new beginnings. Here's a photo I took of the cherry blossoms.
It was a very full day and we got lots of information and got to meet everyone. We started out with an ID check and they also took photos of us. Security and confidentiality are very important to this clinic and they want to make sure there are no mistakes along the way. Then we met with the doctor that we had previously talked to over the phone. He went back over all our medical history and talked in detail about the process. I feel very comfortable that we are in safe hands.
Then we met with our nurse coordinator. She will be with me every step of the way. Not only to guide me through the process of what to do when, but also to help coordinate everything with the clinic back here in London. She will send me reminders on when to take which medications, and when to book appointments here for scans and things like that. I have a feeling I will be getting to know her very well.
After that talk I had to go in to have my uterus mapped. I was worried that it would be painful, but it wasn't so bad. I had a bit of a moment when left alone in the exam room with the ultrasound machine on (trigger anyone?) but quickly recovered by reminding myself that there is no baby inside me right now so there's no chance that anyone will be walking in to tell me my baby has died. To map my uterus they had to insert a small tube (just like when you have an IUI) and then they push a bit of saline inside and see what that looks like on the ultrasound. It took less than 5 minutes and it was all done.
At the same time, the hubby was whisked away to provide his sample for freezing. After all the complaining he did about the last clinic's lack of and "reading" materials I was wondering how this one would go. Well lucky for him, this place has the Rolls Royce of collection rooms. *Warning,,,, TMI alert!!! Reclining leather chairs, adult TV channels, plus nice wide collection cups so not much aim is needed. I'm told that aim can be an issue at times. I kid you not! His only issue was that at first he couldn't figure out how to use the remote control. So he was quite pleased.
After that we met with the finance person who explained the various pricing plans. All of them expensive of course. But totally worth it if we end up with a baby we can take home this time.
Finally we met again with our nurse coordinator. She scared the crap out of me with all the needles and things. I know I will get used to injecting myself. I have to because hubby travels so much there's no way to depend on him to do it. So I got to practice injecting myself in the stomach and thigh. Not with real needles of course. I'm sure the first time I have to do it for real I will totally freak out.
I was then sent down to the pharmacy to buy my medications. Wow, so many!! I had to buy an extra carry on tote bag to bring them all home. Oh, and it turns out you can travel on a plane with syringes and needles. As long as you have a prescription from a doctor. Although it did seem funny that at the airport I got sent over to secondary security for a pat down because my underwire bra set off the metal detector, but no one checked my bag or asked me for my prescription.
I guess big boobs are much more dangerous than needles!
When do I get to start????? I have to have a test called an HSG to make sure my tubes are ok. In this test they inject dye into your tubes and watch on the monitor to make sure there are no leaks or blockages. I've had one before and it was VERY painful. I asked why I had to do it since we aren't using my eggs. The doctor says because I had a c-section he wants to make sure they didn't accidentally nick one of the tubes. He says if there's any damage it could cause an infection and jeopardize any pregnancy. I understand but am not looking forward to it. That has to be done after my next period but before ovulation.
Then I have to do a mock cycle to see how my body responds to the medications. They want to make sure they have all the dosages and meds right before we begin a cycle for real. So I get to jab myself in the stomach and leg, get scans to check my lining, and do some blood tests as well. All as a trial run for the real thing.
If all goes well then I will be able to start looking at their database to choose my donor. So we're still a few months away from the real thing. But this is huge. And it is progress. And progress is good!
 |
| So beautiful |
It was a very full day and we got lots of information and got to meet everyone. We started out with an ID check and they also took photos of us. Security and confidentiality are very important to this clinic and they want to make sure there are no mistakes along the way. Then we met with the doctor that we had previously talked to over the phone. He went back over all our medical history and talked in detail about the process. I feel very comfortable that we are in safe hands.
Then we met with our nurse coordinator. She will be with me every step of the way. Not only to guide me through the process of what to do when, but also to help coordinate everything with the clinic back here in London. She will send me reminders on when to take which medications, and when to book appointments here for scans and things like that. I have a feeling I will be getting to know her very well.
After that talk I had to go in to have my uterus mapped. I was worried that it would be painful, but it wasn't so bad. I had a bit of a moment when left alone in the exam room with the ultrasound machine on (trigger anyone?) but quickly recovered by reminding myself that there is no baby inside me right now so there's no chance that anyone will be walking in to tell me my baby has died. To map my uterus they had to insert a small tube (just like when you have an IUI) and then they push a bit of saline inside and see what that looks like on the ultrasound. It took less than 5 minutes and it was all done.
At the same time, the hubby was whisked away to provide his sample for freezing. After all the complaining he did about the last clinic's lack of and "reading" materials I was wondering how this one would go. Well lucky for him, this place has the Rolls Royce of collection rooms. *Warning,,,, TMI alert!!! Reclining leather chairs, adult TV channels, plus nice wide collection cups so not much aim is needed. I'm told that aim can be an issue at times. I kid you not! His only issue was that at first he couldn't figure out how to use the remote control. So he was quite pleased.
After that we met with the finance person who explained the various pricing plans. All of them expensive of course. But totally worth it if we end up with a baby we can take home this time.
Finally we met again with our nurse coordinator. She scared the crap out of me with all the needles and things. I know I will get used to injecting myself. I have to because hubby travels so much there's no way to depend on him to do it. So I got to practice injecting myself in the stomach and thigh. Not with real needles of course. I'm sure the first time I have to do it for real I will totally freak out.
I was then sent down to the pharmacy to buy my medications. Wow, so many!! I had to buy an extra carry on tote bag to bring them all home. Oh, and it turns out you can travel on a plane with syringes and needles. As long as you have a prescription from a doctor. Although it did seem funny that at the airport I got sent over to secondary security for a pat down because my underwire bra set off the metal detector, but no one checked my bag or asked me for my prescription.
I guess big boobs are much more dangerous than needles!
When do I get to start????? I have to have a test called an HSG to make sure my tubes are ok. In this test they inject dye into your tubes and watch on the monitor to make sure there are no leaks or blockages. I've had one before and it was VERY painful. I asked why I had to do it since we aren't using my eggs. The doctor says because I had a c-section he wants to make sure they didn't accidentally nick one of the tubes. He says if there's any damage it could cause an infection and jeopardize any pregnancy. I understand but am not looking forward to it. That has to be done after my next period but before ovulation.
Then I have to do a mock cycle to see how my body responds to the medications. They want to make sure they have all the dosages and meds right before we begin a cycle for real. So I get to jab myself in the stomach and leg, get scans to check my lining, and do some blood tests as well. All as a trial run for the real thing.
If all goes well then I will be able to start looking at their database to choose my donor. So we're still a few months away from the real thing. But this is huge. And it is progress. And progress is good!
Sunday, 27 March 2011
On The Road- A Very Short Update
This is our last night in DC. Today we got to be tourists which was nice. The Lincoln Memorial blew my mind.
The appointment with the egg donation clinic went well. I am coming back home with a Bag 'O Meds that is so big I had to buy and extra tote bag. *Hope I can get all this on the plane in my carry on luggage. I'm also bringing back two big boxes of healthy pop microwave popcorn because you can't get the low fat version in London. Interesting combo,,,,,, injectible fertility meds, pre-natal vitamins, and microwave popcorn. I am not thrilled about having to "jab" myself in the leg with a 1 inch needle almost every day, that's for sure. : (
I will post more details once I'm back home. But I am feeling very optimistic that this is going to work.
The appointment with the egg donation clinic went well. I am coming back home with a Bag 'O Meds that is so big I had to buy and extra tote bag. *Hope I can get all this on the plane in my carry on luggage. I'm also bringing back two big boxes of healthy pop microwave popcorn because you can't get the low fat version in London. Interesting combo,,,,,, injectible fertility meds, pre-natal vitamins, and microwave popcorn. I am not thrilled about having to "jab" myself in the leg with a 1 inch needle almost every day, that's for sure. : (
I will post more details once I'm back home. But I am feeling very optimistic that this is going to work.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
On The Road
We're going back to the US for our appointment with the clinic where we are going to do our egg donation. I'm excited but nervous. I'm also a bit miffed about the difference between what women have to endure vs what men do when it comes to assisted fertility. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a man.
I have to get some kind of mock transfer thing where they "map my uterus." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't completely awkward and uncomfortable. The hubby on the other hand has to provide a "sample." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't at least slightly enjoyable for him.
So basically, I leave the office feeling violated and probed and he leaves with a smile on his face. Life really isn't fair is it????
I've got my list of questions ready and am hoping to make the final decision as to whether we share our donor with one person or two. The cost goes down if you share and we can't afford to have our own donor. Plus I've got some questions about how the whole anonymous donor thing works if at some point in the future the child (so getting ahead of myself here) has questions about the egg donor.
We are going to spend the rest of the weekend in the US as tourists. Which really means I get to go to Target and we get to eat all the fattening US food that we can't get in the UK. I think of it as food tourism. Perhaps I will do a post dedicated solely to what we ate on our trip???
Yikes! We're really doing this!!!
I have to get some kind of mock transfer thing where they "map my uterus." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't completely awkward and uncomfortable. The hubby on the other hand has to provide a "sample." I don't foresee any scenario where this isn't at least slightly enjoyable for him.
So basically, I leave the office feeling violated and probed and he leaves with a smile on his face. Life really isn't fair is it????
I've got my list of questions ready and am hoping to make the final decision as to whether we share our donor with one person or two. The cost goes down if you share and we can't afford to have our own donor. Plus I've got some questions about how the whole anonymous donor thing works if at some point in the future the child (so getting ahead of myself here) has questions about the egg donor.
We are going to spend the rest of the weekend in the US as tourists. Which really means I get to go to Target and we get to eat all the fattening US food that we can't get in the UK. I think of it as food tourism. Perhaps I will do a post dedicated solely to what we ate on our trip???
Yikes! We're really doing this!!!
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Taking a Day Off
I am taking today off!
"From grief?" you may ask hopefully. Now wouldn't that be a nice trick. No it's not from grief.
"From work?" you may ask. Nope, you have to have an actual paying job in order to take a day off from work.
I am taking the day off from my exercise and diet plan. That's right. For one day only I am going to pretend I'm not trying to lose weight and get in shape. For one day only I am going to be lazy and eat whatever I want.
Just for today, and then tomorrow I'm back on the wagon.
Yesterday I was not in a good place you can read about it here if you want to. I woke up in a bad mood and spent the entire day cleaning my house, doing laundry, and crying.
It was one rip-roaring pity party for one. Be glad that none of you were invited to attend. The end result was a clean house, a clean me (yes, I actually showered), and one very grateful husband. So grateful in fact that he even washed all the dishes after dinner so as not to mess up the freshly cleaned kitchen.
This morning I woke up with a better perspective. My house no longer resembled a war zone, and the laundry was no longer spilling out of the basket and onto the floor. It's amazing how a clean house can make you feel. But there was still the nagging guilt about my weight loss (or lack thereof) and the cycle of guilt it's causing. So rather than beat myself up about again today, I decided I needed a day off.
So I ate that croissant at my morning meeting. Then at lunch I allowed myself to have the absolutely decadent and decidedly naughty Croque Monseiur. Never had one??? Here's a photo of one.
It's basically a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with extra cheese and bechamel sauce poured over the top. Mmmmmmm. I also didn't exercise today.
Do I feel guilty? Not a bit. Which is a change because normally if I eat something bad (good) or don't exercise I beat myself up over it. But not today. Today I have the day off!
"From grief?" you may ask hopefully. Now wouldn't that be a nice trick. No it's not from grief.
"From work?" you may ask. Nope, you have to have an actual paying job in order to take a day off from work.
I am taking the day off from my exercise and diet plan. That's right. For one day only I am going to pretend I'm not trying to lose weight and get in shape. For one day only I am going to be lazy and eat whatever I want.
Just for today, and then tomorrow I'm back on the wagon.
Yesterday I was not in a good place you can read about it here if you want to. I woke up in a bad mood and spent the entire day cleaning my house, doing laundry, and crying.
It was one rip-roaring pity party for one. Be glad that none of you were invited to attend. The end result was a clean house, a clean me (yes, I actually showered), and one very grateful husband. So grateful in fact that he even washed all the dishes after dinner so as not to mess up the freshly cleaned kitchen.
This morning I woke up with a better perspective. My house no longer resembled a war zone, and the laundry was no longer spilling out of the basket and onto the floor. It's amazing how a clean house can make you feel. But there was still the nagging guilt about my weight loss (or lack thereof) and the cycle of guilt it's causing. So rather than beat myself up about again today, I decided I needed a day off.
So I ate that croissant at my morning meeting. Then at lunch I allowed myself to have the absolutely decadent and decidedly naughty Croque Monseiur. Never had one??? Here's a photo of one.
 |
| Not exactly diet food. |
It's basically a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with extra cheese and bechamel sauce poured over the top. Mmmmmmm. I also didn't exercise today.
Do I feel guilty? Not a bit. Which is a change because normally if I eat something bad (good) or don't exercise I beat myself up over it. But not today. Today I have the day off!
Monday, 21 March 2011
Anger and Shame- You Are Not Welcome Here
I've been angry lately. I'm not good a dealing with anger or even recognizing it in myself. I don't like to be angry and have irrational angry thoughts. I am ashamed of my angry irrational thoughts. They make me feel like I'm out of control, and I hate being out of control.
My natural coping mechanism for anger is to ignore it. But I am learning how to recognize it. The first sign is usually that I want to eat everything in sight. Being hungry or not being hungry doesn't matter, I get this voice telling me I need to eat, to graze, to snack. Logically I know that stuffing my face will not help stuff down the anger that is brewing, but most of the time I am unable to stop myself.
This is especially disturbing to me because I am trying desperately to get healthy and lose weight before trying to get pregnant again. I am paying a trainer to work with me once a week to help me get in shape. I have stuck to my exercise plan and am working out 5 days a week. But I just can't control my eating.
I am 15 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant last time but I'm still pretty far from and ideal BMI. I want to get as fit and healthy as I can before any new pregnancy. I know my weight isn't what caused my son to die, but a healthier me is a better me.
So I'm mad at myself for not losing weight, and when I get mad at myself, I eat. It's a vicious cycle. It's the reason I'm not a a slender size 6. I don't know how to fix it.
Once I get angry, any little thing can set me off. Here's what is currently driving me crazy.
I don't really believe in the phases of grief as a rule because I think we each follow our own path. But I'm feeling a lot of anger right now. And none of the things I'm currently angry about are new things. So I have to deduce that it's part of my grieving process.
But the timing sucks! We are just getting to the point where we are ready to try again. We fly to the US this week to meet with the egg donation clinic. I am so excited about this. I really am. So why the anger now??? At the worst possible time? Anger and shame, you are not welcome here!
Please go away!
My natural coping mechanism for anger is to ignore it. But I am learning how to recognize it. The first sign is usually that I want to eat everything in sight. Being hungry or not being hungry doesn't matter, I get this voice telling me I need to eat, to graze, to snack. Logically I know that stuffing my face will not help stuff down the anger that is brewing, but most of the time I am unable to stop myself.
This is especially disturbing to me because I am trying desperately to get healthy and lose weight before trying to get pregnant again. I am paying a trainer to work with me once a week to help me get in shape. I have stuck to my exercise plan and am working out 5 days a week. But I just can't control my eating.
I am 15 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant last time but I'm still pretty far from and ideal BMI. I want to get as fit and healthy as I can before any new pregnancy. I know my weight isn't what caused my son to die, but a healthier me is a better me.
So I'm mad at myself for not losing weight, and when I get mad at myself, I eat. It's a vicious cycle. It's the reason I'm not a a slender size 6. I don't know how to fix it.
Once I get angry, any little thing can set me off. Here's what is currently driving me crazy.
- Our house is a total mess. It looks like a bomb went off in here. It was spotless last week on Tuesday and now it looks like a tip. We are total slobs, and I am ashamed of that.
- I have not been able to control my eating as well as I would like. I haven't gained any weight, but I'm not losing either. I am ashamed of that. How is it possible that the one thing I know will help me get pregnant is the one thing I appear to be incapable of doing? Am I sabotaging myself? Or is there something seriously wrong with me?
- My husband got sick on Saturday so we couldn't have our date night. I was angry and disappointed. Not angry at him for not feeling well. But angry that we couldn't have our fun night out. I sulked silently as I ate my beans on toast for dinner. So not what I had in mind for the night. My husband noticed and felt bad about it. That made me ashamed of myself for sulking over something so silly and making him feel guilty.
- The laundry has piled up over the week. Nothing new but today I woke up angry that my day will be filled with nothing but laundry and cleaning our pig-sty of a house.
- I'm angry that I didn't shower yesterday, or get out of my pj's for that matter. So I look terrible, my hair is greasy, and I am all kinds of "fragrant." I am ashamed and embarrassed about that.
- I feel like a total slob, kind of like the state of my house right now. We match perfectly. Dirty, smelly, and neglected. So much potential underneath all the mess.
I don't really believe in the phases of grief as a rule because I think we each follow our own path. But I'm feeling a lot of anger right now. And none of the things I'm currently angry about are new things. So I have to deduce that it's part of my grieving process.
But the timing sucks! We are just getting to the point where we are ready to try again. We fly to the US this week to meet with the egg donation clinic. I am so excited about this. I really am. So why the anger now??? At the worst possible time? Anger and shame, you are not welcome here!
Please go away!
Saturday, 19 March 2011
Friends and Date Nights
As I have mentioned before, I find it much easier to write when I'm sad. I don't always want to write about sad things though. So I'm happy to be participating in a blog hop hosted by Natasha at My Angel Baby... Aiden William. In this hop we talk about the things that have made us happy this week.
So what's made me happy this week?
Friendships- Both new and old.
I have found that some of my friendships have changed since losing my son. Although I'm lucky that most of my close friends have stuck around and are very supportive.
I have found some acquaintances no longer seem comfortable being stuck in a one-on-one conversation with me. I suppose that's not a huge surprise. What has been a great surprise is to see how some of my old friendships have strengthened in ways I didn't expect.
I have one friend in particular who I always liked but we were never really close. She reached out to me in my darkest hour. She has her own struggles she is dealing with as well. Not having to do with the death of a baby, but very painful struggles nonetheless.
We have bonded over our pain. We share our stories in a way that maybe we don't do with the people we see all the time. I'm not saying that all we do is cry when we're together. But we do cry, and we talk about our deepest fears and obstacles, and we laugh, and drink wine, and have fun.. I think we both feel safe talking about anything when we're together. Then we go back to our "usual" friends and live our normal "putting on our happy face" lives. I don't see her all the time, but whenever I do I walk away feeling loved.
I have also had the chance to meet a fellow Baby Loss Mom. We connected via Twitter. We are both expats living here in London so we are having to navigate this journey of grief and loss without the benefit of having our families close by. I found out she lived close by so we met for breakfast this week. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone in real life who gets it. We talked about our babies and how we are trying to move forward in our lives. I haven't participated in any support groups yet so this was one of the first times I've been able to talk to someone who walks in my shoes. I am so glad we connected, and I hope we will do it again soon. She lost her precious daughter Pippa in February and has just started her own blog. Here's a link if you want to read more about her Missing Pippa.
Date Nights
The hubby and I are going out for dinner tonight. It may not seem like a big deal, but I really enjoy when we get out and do things together. After almost 13 years of marriage it's nice to get dressed up and leave the house on a Saturday night once in a while. We usually don't get out on the weekends unless we've made plans with friends. So a dinner just with the two of us will be nice. Now I've just got to figure out what to wear.
So what's made me happy this week?
Friendships- Both new and old.
I have found that some of my friendships have changed since losing my son. Although I'm lucky that most of my close friends have stuck around and are very supportive.
I have found some acquaintances no longer seem comfortable being stuck in a one-on-one conversation with me. I suppose that's not a huge surprise. What has been a great surprise is to see how some of my old friendships have strengthened in ways I didn't expect.
I have one friend in particular who I always liked but we were never really close. She reached out to me in my darkest hour. She has her own struggles she is dealing with as well. Not having to do with the death of a baby, but very painful struggles nonetheless.
We have bonded over our pain. We share our stories in a way that maybe we don't do with the people we see all the time. I'm not saying that all we do is cry when we're together. But we do cry, and we talk about our deepest fears and obstacles, and we laugh, and drink wine, and have fun.. I think we both feel safe talking about anything when we're together. Then we go back to our "usual" friends and live our normal "putting on our happy face" lives. I don't see her all the time, but whenever I do I walk away feeling loved.
I have also had the chance to meet a fellow Baby Loss Mom. We connected via Twitter. We are both expats living here in London so we are having to navigate this journey of grief and loss without the benefit of having our families close by. I found out she lived close by so we met for breakfast this week. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone in real life who gets it. We talked about our babies and how we are trying to move forward in our lives. I haven't participated in any support groups yet so this was one of the first times I've been able to talk to someone who walks in my shoes. I am so glad we connected, and I hope we will do it again soon. She lost her precious daughter Pippa in February and has just started her own blog. Here's a link if you want to read more about her Missing Pippa.
Date Nights
The hubby and I are going out for dinner tonight. It may not seem like a big deal, but I really enjoy when we get out and do things together. After almost 13 years of marriage it's nice to get dressed up and leave the house on a Saturday night once in a while. We usually don't get out on the weekends unless we've made plans with friends. So a dinner just with the two of us will be nice. Now I've just got to figure out what to wear.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Do I Need To Be Sad To Write?
Ever feel like you want to write but don't know what to say? That's how I'm feeling today. Some days the pain is so huge that the words flow out of me like they're writing themselves. Other days it's more of a struggle. For whatever reason, it's easier for me to find motivation and inspiration to write when I'm feeling down.
So are the two mutually exclusive? In order to write I have to feel pain? When there is no pain then there's nothing to write about?
I hope that's not the case because I enjoy writing my thoughts here. What I don't enjoy is feeling like my heart is going to break into a million pieces. So if that's what it takes for me to continue writing then I'm not so sure that's what I want.
Things in my real life are getting easier. If you had told me that seven months ago I'm not sure I would have believed you. I'm not saying I'm all better yet, but I am finding my way out of the fog. When I started this blog I was consumed by grief so that's all I wrote about. Now I am trying to move on,,,,, to find my new normal.
Finding My New Normal,,, really it's the perfect blog title. I'm so glad I picked it. How amazing that even in the depths of despair I picked a title that still contained a drop of hope.
I suppose I may have answered my own question just now.
This blog isn't only about grief and pain. It's about my journey back to some kind of normal. I can write about anything I want. Not just the sad things.
Wow, I really am all over the place today. Sorry if I'm making it hard to follow along.
But I think I just realized that this blog doesn't have to just be a sad place. It can be a happy place sometimes too. Because in my new normal I will be both. Hopefully more happy than sad, but one never knows.
So are the two mutually exclusive? In order to write I have to feel pain? When there is no pain then there's nothing to write about?
I hope that's not the case because I enjoy writing my thoughts here. What I don't enjoy is feeling like my heart is going to break into a million pieces. So if that's what it takes for me to continue writing then I'm not so sure that's what I want.
Things in my real life are getting easier. If you had told me that seven months ago I'm not sure I would have believed you. I'm not saying I'm all better yet, but I am finding my way out of the fog. When I started this blog I was consumed by grief so that's all I wrote about. Now I am trying to move on,,,,, to find my new normal.
Finding My New Normal,,, really it's the perfect blog title. I'm so glad I picked it. How amazing that even in the depths of despair I picked a title that still contained a drop of hope.
I suppose I may have answered my own question just now.
This blog isn't only about grief and pain. It's about my journey back to some kind of normal. I can write about anything I want. Not just the sad things.
Wow, I really am all over the place today. Sorry if I'm making it hard to follow along.
But I think I just realized that this blog doesn't have to just be a sad place. It can be a happy place sometimes too. Because in my new normal I will be both. Hopefully more happy than sad, but one never knows.
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Getting Knocked Up By Accident Would Have Been So Much Easier
So much is involved with infertility treatments. Blood tests, appointments, and paperwork.
Lots of paperwork.
There's also phone calls, doctor's appointments, and staying organized......... I'm not always good at staying organized.
Add having to do half of this in the UK and half in the US and it gets very complicated. I'm trying my best to keep it all straight in my head. Appointments here, phone calls there. Coordinating things between clinics. Figuring out which tests I can have done through my GP (on the NHS so no cost to me) vs those that have to be done by the private clinics that we have to pay for. I suppose in a way it's better that insurance doesn't cover any of this so I don't have to deal with them as well.
Then there's the new patient paperwork that we have to fill out for both the UK and US clinics. Mountains of paper that has to be printed and filled out and brought with us to various appointments. Some of the info is the same and some is different. Some for this doctor, some for that. By this point I have memorized my husband's medical history. I think I know it better than he does.
Over the course of our infertility journey we have both been tested for HIV, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Syphilis, and Rubella more times that I can count. I have had more "internal" ultrasounds (think magic wand with condom on it) than any woman should ever have. I've learned to inject myself with needles. I've peed on sticks, in cups, and a few times all over the place trying to do one or the other. Who knew I'd get so comfortable carrying my pee around for other people to look at?
All of this in pursuit of a living, "take-home" baby. I know it will all be worth it if that's what I get. But sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have been one of those women who got knocked up and had to get married. Or who got pregnant on her honeymoon. Or "accidentally" got pregnant and didn't even realize at first.
Our first appointment with the Egg Donation clinic in the US is next Friday the 25th of March. I'm super excited about it. I'm also hoping that I remember to fill out all the paperwork, have all the tests, and don't forget to bring it all with me.
Lots of paperwork.
There's also phone calls, doctor's appointments, and staying organized......... I'm not always good at staying organized.
Add having to do half of this in the UK and half in the US and it gets very complicated. I'm trying my best to keep it all straight in my head. Appointments here, phone calls there. Coordinating things between clinics. Figuring out which tests I can have done through my GP (on the NHS so no cost to me) vs those that have to be done by the private clinics that we have to pay for. I suppose in a way it's better that insurance doesn't cover any of this so I don't have to deal with them as well.
Then there's the new patient paperwork that we have to fill out for both the UK and US clinics. Mountains of paper that has to be printed and filled out and brought with us to various appointments. Some of the info is the same and some is different. Some for this doctor, some for that. By this point I have memorized my husband's medical history. I think I know it better than he does.
Over the course of our infertility journey we have both been tested for HIV, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Syphilis, and Rubella more times that I can count. I have had more "internal" ultrasounds (think magic wand with condom on it) than any woman should ever have. I've learned to inject myself with needles. I've peed on sticks, in cups, and a few times all over the place trying to do one or the other. Who knew I'd get so comfortable carrying my pee around for other people to look at?
All of this in pursuit of a living, "take-home" baby. I know it will all be worth it if that's what I get. But sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have been one of those women who got knocked up and had to get married. Or who got pregnant on her honeymoon. Or "accidentally" got pregnant and didn't even realize at first.
Our first appointment with the Egg Donation clinic in the US is next Friday the 25th of March. I'm super excited about it. I'm also hoping that I remember to fill out all the paperwork, have all the tests, and don't forget to bring it all with me.
Pouring my heart out with Shell at Things I Can't Say
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Hooray For Sunshine
I am happy for sunny days and views like this.
Growing up in Southern California, I took sunny days for granted. Now that I am living in London I really appreciate them. It's amazing how much better you feel when the sun is out. Sunshine is nature's antidepressant. When the sun is out I feel energetic and happy. I feel like getting out into the world and participating in life. This is a photo I took this morning on my walk through a lovely park near my flat. It's from my mobile phone so the quality isn't the best. But you get the idea.
Friday, 11 March 2011
What We Can Learn From Earthquakes
I am glued to my TV today watching the aftermath of the earthquake in Japan. I have a good friend who lives in Tokyo. She moved there a few months ago from London and has never experienced an earthquake before. Thankfully she and her family are ok, but what a scare!
Things like this remind me just how precious life is. Live every day to it's fullest. You never know when an earthquake will strike. Or a hurricane. Or a tornado. Or a tsunami.
Or the death of a child.
Your life can change in an instant. So don't take anything for granted. Don't wait until tomorrow to do something fun or tell someone you love them. Do it today.
Things like this remind me just how precious life is. Live every day to it's fullest. You never know when an earthquake will strike. Or a hurricane. Or a tornado. Or a tsunami.
Or the death of a child.
Your life can change in an instant. So don't take anything for granted. Don't wait until tomorrow to do something fun or tell someone you love them. Do it today.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Left Behind
Mothers smiling at their babies
I cannot smile at mine
Parents cuddling their children
I cannot cuddle mine
Photos with their eyes so bright
His eyes are shut in mine
In this journey of parenthood
I have been left behind
*This is my first ever attempt at writing poetry. I got the idea from a writing prompt over at Mama's Losin' It! The prompt was to write a poem about that time you were left behind.
It's nice to stretch once in while, but I'm not so sure poetry is my strength.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
The Club That No One Wants To Join
I have found myself a part of a very exclusive club. It's a secret club that you only find out about once you're invited to join. The price of membership is very high and there are no refunds. Once you become a member, you are a member for life. No matter where you go or what you do, you will always belong to this club. It is an all-inclusive group of men and women from around the world. This club does not discriminate against anyone for any reason. It is one of the most diverse clubs around. Equal opportunity reigns free here.
What is this fabulous club, you ask? What is the price of membership? How did you hear about it? How do I sign up?
The answer is this...
The club goes by many different names but I call it the Baby Loss Mom's Club. The price of membership is the life of your child. No one tells you about it in advance, it's a very secretive society. But when your baby dies you gain instant membership.
It's the club that no one wants to join,,, and I'm a member.
If you are reading this then it's highly likely that you are a member too. If this is the case then I am very sorry.
The only good thing about being in the club is that it is filled with amazing people who support each other. When the rest of the world is busy moving on and not wanting to talk about our loss anymore, our fellow members are still there. They grieve along side us. They get us. They are us.
So thank you to all my fellow BLM's who have been there for me during my journey through grief. I don't think I could do this without you. I only wish I could have met you through a different club, like maybe a wine tasting club, or a travel club. I wish that our children could have met each other and played together here on earth and not in some other place like heaven, or an alternate universe, or another dimension.
I wish we all weren't members of this club. The club that no one wants to join.
What is this fabulous club, you ask? What is the price of membership? How did you hear about it? How do I sign up?
The answer is this...
The club goes by many different names but I call it the Baby Loss Mom's Club. The price of membership is the life of your child. No one tells you about it in advance, it's a very secretive society. But when your baby dies you gain instant membership.
It's the club that no one wants to join,,, and I'm a member.
If you are reading this then it's highly likely that you are a member too. If this is the case then I am very sorry.
The only good thing about being in the club is that it is filled with amazing people who support each other. When the rest of the world is busy moving on and not wanting to talk about our loss anymore, our fellow members are still there. They grieve along side us. They get us. They are us.
So thank you to all my fellow BLM's who have been there for me during my journey through grief. I don't think I could do this without you. I only wish I could have met you through a different club, like maybe a wine tasting club, or a travel club. I wish that our children could have met each other and played together here on earth and not in some other place like heaven, or an alternate universe, or another dimension.
I wish we all weren't members of this club. The club that no one wants to join.
Monday, 7 March 2011
Girl's Weekend- Fun, Food, and Surprising Opinions
We stayed at a great hotel right in the middle of town. We ate at some amazing restaurants. We slept late. We drank a LOT. We laughed and shopped. We talked about our families and husbands. We even ran into a bunch of people who work at the US embassy at a bar. Talk about surreal, we're in a bar in Brussels and we run into a bunch of diplomats and embassy personnel. They were a fun group and seemed quite happy to hear another American accent so far from home.
There was one interesting moment at dinner. In my last post here on Friday I was asking for advice about how much of my egg donation journey I should share with people. Most of you wisely advised me to keep things private for now as I can always tell more later but can't "untell" people. So I took this advice and didn't over share,,,, even after several glasses of wine/beer/champagne.
Somehow at dinner the topic of Kelly Preston and John Travolta came up. The talk was of the fact that she recently had a baby even though she's almost 50. One of the ladies in our group said, "I'm sure she used an egg donor." My heart dropped and I tried to keep a straight face. Another friend disagreed and said that women can get pregnant even in their late 40's. I am now listening intently to this line of conversation, trying to will myself not to say anything. In this group of seven, only myself and my two close friends know about my journey. The other four women at the table have no idea.
After a bit of back and forth about what types of fertility assistance the Travoltas may or may not have had, one of my friends says, "I think it's wrong to mess around with nature too much."
Wow, I think to myself, did she really just say that??? It never would have occurred to me that she would have such a surprisingly strong opinion on the topic of assisted reproduction. I don't know her that well, but considering she's the mother of three children I think it's safe to say that she has not had to deal with infertility. So where in the world does that kind of judgement come from?
For me it was a good reminder that people out there do have opinions. Even very nice people that we see and interact with on a daily basis. So for now I think I will keep things just between my family, my close friends, and of course all of you!
Other than that one conversation, it was a great weekend. I'm so glad I went!
Friday, 4 March 2011
How Much Do I Share?
I am happy that we now have a plan. I am happy that this plan seems to be our best chance of having a healthy living baby that we get to bring home with us this time. The part I struggle with now is how much to share with the people I know in real life?
Egg donation is still a pretty new thing. While I know lots of people who have done IUI, IVF, and even adoption, I don't know anyone who has used any kind of donor. I tend to be a bit of an open book when it comes to my infertility and loss journey, but this time I feel I need to carefully consider what I say.
I have only told my family and 2 very close friends so far and they were all amazingly supportive. But the expat community is a rather tight knit group. A bit like a small town, or living in the dorms in college where everyone know everyone else's business. As a result of this tight knit community, I have a rather large group of friends. Normally this is a great thing, but in this case I feel the need for some discretion.
As with any small town-type environment, there are a lot of friendly faces around. There is also a lot of gossip and judgement. The last thing I want is for my major life decisions to become fodder for gossip. I also am in no place to be able to handle any kind of negativity or judgement. I may be getting stronger, but I'm still very sensitive and vulnerable.
It's not that I'm ashamed that if we have another child it won't be genetically related to me. My life has been completely shatterd by the death of my son. I would do anything to be able to bring home a happy, healthy baby. It's just that I'm not sure I want everyone to know exactly how we did it. I have this vision of people meeting my child and immediately trying to see if he or she doesn't look like me. I imagine conversations where people say things like, "Well they did a good job picking out a donor because that baby looks like it belongs to them," or "That baby looks nothing like her, good thing he/she looks like his/her father."
Perhaps I'm being overly paranoid. Perhaps this is what adoptive parents think about too. Perhaps I'm not giving myself and others enough credit. Or perhaps this is exactly what people will say and do and I don't want to have to deal with it.
Perhaps I need more time before making this decision.
I'm going to Brussels with some friends this weekend for a girl's weekend. Let's hope I can keep my big mouth shut after a few glasses of wine.
Egg donation is still a pretty new thing. While I know lots of people who have done IUI, IVF, and even adoption, I don't know anyone who has used any kind of donor. I tend to be a bit of an open book when it comes to my infertility and loss journey, but this time I feel I need to carefully consider what I say.
I have only told my family and 2 very close friends so far and they were all amazingly supportive. But the expat community is a rather tight knit group. A bit like a small town, or living in the dorms in college where everyone know everyone else's business. As a result of this tight knit community, I have a rather large group of friends. Normally this is a great thing, but in this case I feel the need for some discretion.
As with any small town-type environment, there are a lot of friendly faces around. There is also a lot of gossip and judgement. The last thing I want is for my major life decisions to become fodder for gossip. I also am in no place to be able to handle any kind of negativity or judgement. I may be getting stronger, but I'm still very sensitive and vulnerable.
It's not that I'm ashamed that if we have another child it won't be genetically related to me. My life has been completely shatterd by the death of my son. I would do anything to be able to bring home a happy, healthy baby. It's just that I'm not sure I want everyone to know exactly how we did it. I have this vision of people meeting my child and immediately trying to see if he or she doesn't look like me. I imagine conversations where people say things like, "Well they did a good job picking out a donor because that baby looks like it belongs to them," or "That baby looks nothing like her, good thing he/she looks like his/her father."
Perhaps I'm being overly paranoid. Perhaps this is what adoptive parents think about too. Perhaps I'm not giving myself and others enough credit. Or perhaps this is exactly what people will say and do and I don't want to have to deal with it.
Perhaps I need more time before making this decision.
I'm going to Brussels with some friends this weekend for a girl's weekend. Let's hope I can keep my big mouth shut after a few glasses of wine.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
My Head is Spinning
Moving forward, making plans, booking flights,,,,,,,,, breathe.
We are moving forward with our egg donation journey. I have talked with the patient liaison and the doctor over the phone and have taken a look at the online egg donor database. I am increasingly optimistic about this choice. According to the doctor, my chances of bringing home a live baby using my own eggs is about 8% per cycle and the chances if I use a donor egg are 47% per cycle. Talk about increasing my odds!! Wow!
We have booked an appointment to visit the clinic in Washington DC for the 25th of March. This first visit is free of charge except of course we have to pay for our flights and hotel. So that means we probably won't be able to take the trip to Sardinia that we had planned for the end of May,,,, but obviously this takes priority. On this visit we will get to meet the team and see the facility. It will also allow us to ask questions about the program and make a plan.
It will be a short visit this time, flying out on Thursday and coming home on Sunday. A bit of a whirlwind. Hopefully we can squeeze in some sightseeing on Saturday since neither of us has been to DC before.
I'm excited, and scared, and hopeful.
Breathe.
We are moving forward with our egg donation journey. I have talked with the patient liaison and the doctor over the phone and have taken a look at the online egg donor database. I am increasingly optimistic about this choice. According to the doctor, my chances of bringing home a live baby using my own eggs is about 8% per cycle and the chances if I use a donor egg are 47% per cycle. Talk about increasing my odds!! Wow!
We have booked an appointment to visit the clinic in Washington DC for the 25th of March. This first visit is free of charge except of course we have to pay for our flights and hotel. So that means we probably won't be able to take the trip to Sardinia that we had planned for the end of May,,,, but obviously this takes priority. On this visit we will get to meet the team and see the facility. It will also allow us to ask questions about the program and make a plan.
It will be a short visit this time, flying out on Thursday and coming home on Sunday. A bit of a whirlwind. Hopefully we can squeeze in some sightseeing on Saturday since neither of us has been to DC before.
I'm excited, and scared, and hopeful.
Breathe.
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