Thursday 31 March 2011

Firsts

For all of us who are grieving there are many firsts we have to go through. They are milestones that we must somehow endure. We tell ourselves that as we get through each of these firsts, we are somehow one step farther along in our grief process.

I've talked quite a bit about my firsts on this blog. I have talked about my first trip home and how hard it was. I have talked about the first Christmas without our son. I have written about having flashbacks the first time I go back to places that I associate with our loss. There were other firsts that perhaps I didn't write about, like my first birthday without my son, or the first time I found myself in a children's department after he died.

So many firsts. And mostly, these firsts have been associated with sad feelings.

But what about the happier firsts? Don't they deserve to be recognized as well? If my goal is to find my new normal. A normal where I am happy again, then shouldn't I also be writing about my happy firsts??

To be fair, I've already written about one of these happy firsts. Going back to volunteer at the school that I love was my first big step in a positive direction.

But last week I experienced another BIG first. Really, for me it was huge. So huge in fact, that I made a point of mentioning it to my husband.

I've made it a habit to hide the facebook statuses of most of my friends who have recently had babies. It's a defense mechanism that my fellow infertiles and BLM's know well. But I have one friend who hardly ever posts on facebook. She had struggled for years with infertility and recently gave birth to twins which were a result of IVF.

So I'm innocently scrolling down my news feed when I come across a photo of her Mom holding the two babies. "What a cute photo," I thought to myself. I marvelled at how lucky she was to have those two amazing babies and how happy her mother must be. I "liked" the photo. Then I realized something. I actually did like that photo. I didn't just push the button because that's what you were supposed to do. I didn't just do it so as not to appear like the bitter woman who's baby died and therefore can't be happy for anyone else with a baby.

I was actually happy for her. That photo made me feel happy and what I saw was just a grandmother holding two very cute babies. This is huge for me. It's the FIRST time I've been able to see a photo or a real life baby and not immediately think of my son. I didn't cringe. I didn't get that horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. I didn't feel jealous or ask why her and not me.

I didn't do any of those things. I just felt happy for her.

It was only later upon reflection that I realized what a huge thing this was. It was the first time I was able to see a baby and not feel like I was dying inside.

I'm not saying I'm cured of my aversion to babies just yet. But this was a great first step. And it's nice to be able to have a few firsts to write about that aren't sad.

23 comments:

  1. Good for you!

    I very much like to see babies in photos- more so from people who I know have struggled to get them there, rather than those who just got them and would brag about how carefree their pregnancies were. grrr. I'm apparently *slightly bitter*.

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  2. wow. that is big. i am no where near that point. i am off facebook altogether. i seriously don't feel like i'll ever be able to get back on. I've tried three times. oh well, i've learned to live without it, and i think i'm over it at this point. But that is wonderful news for you!!

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  3. It's interesting...I think I've just started to cross over towards this change as well. Feeling not *quite* so bitter with every baby I see...though there are certainly still a few that for whatever reason really make me upset...

    I do still get horribly annoyed though, with FB postings where parents are complaining about their children or announcing pregnancies with such confidence and assuredness that they'll be getting a live baby out of it at some point...

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  4. And I'm "liking" this post :)
    xo

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  5. I'm so happy that you had such an amazing "first." Doesn't it feel great when you realize that you've taken a step forward? It gives me hope that there's a way out of the grief...a light at the end of the tunnel.

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  6. Hello. I have just popped over from Maxabella and not sure if this was your post for her blog hop but just wanted to say I know of this agonising feeling of isolation. Here I am on the other side now and have to keep pinching myself. This "first" is a sign of your heart being brave.

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  7. Am visiting from Maxabella and am so glad for you - and your friend - that you are finding happy firsts.

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  8. I think that is absolutely marvellous. I guess I see it from the perspective of being so sad that you had to cut yourself off from what you love due to tragedy. A double edged sword. x

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  9. I'm glad you could have a good "first." That first year is so hard and then after that you have the "one year ago's" it is never easy but I'm so glad you are starting to see a bit of light.

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  10. It is a really big deal & you're so wonderful for being so totally aware of your emotions. Wishing you well on your journey, for me, it's been a very heavy week. Love Posie

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  11. A very positive first for you, well done on coming so far in what must be an indescribably hard time for you.

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  12. I think that's a fantastic first! Emma

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  13. I have just found your blog via blow you own blog horn and I didnt knopw what yo say, but wanted you to know that I have popped over. I am so sorry for you loss

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  14. Well done, I'm glad to hear that, after reading your story my heart hurt for you. Sometimes life deals us some nasty blows.

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  15. I was put in a terrible and strange situation just a couple of weeks after we lost Eliza--one of my friends gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Christmas Day and one of my husband's co-workers (who has since become a friend) had a stillborn daughter on Christmas Eve. After getting those two announcements at a time when my grief was still so raw and unbearable, I realized that no matter how jealous or self-pitying I felt, I'd rather hear the good news than the bad.

    That said, I'm totally off facebook. Because seriously I can't handle THAT much good news or--like Sarah said--the blissful confidence that accompanies pregnancy announcements. So glad for you that you Liked it for real.

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  16. Well done... that's a huge first :)) Sounds like a really genuine happy step towards your new normal :) With you every step of the way xoxo

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  17. Reading your blog from The rewind and so sad to hear of your loss. My neighbours recently published a book you might find a help:
    And One On The Mantelpiece by Fiona Mann, it's on Amazon.
    Hoping very much that your treatment works smoothly

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  18. That is an awesome first in your journey. :)

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  19. I am so glad you were able to just look at the picture and just feel happy, good for you!

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  20. Good for you.
    You deserve to be happy even while remembering your loss.
    I really admire you for recognizing the change and grabbing ahold of it. It can't be easy.

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  21. I hope this healing continues to grow to more happy moments! I appreciate your story!

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  22. I'm so happy for you- that is a huge step!

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  23. I recently experienced this via Facebook too, after just being bitter because of our own fertility issues. I'm glad you were able to be genuinely happy for the woman - because sometimes that's just really really hard. *hugs*

    Stopping by from PYHO

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