Monday, 3 January 2011

Where is That Crystal Ball When You Need It?

Photo courtesy of
Don't you ever wish you could see into the future so you would know what to do next? Well that's how I'm feeling these days.

It's a new year, a fresh start, and time to start making some decisions about what's coming next. Since we lost our son in August we've been in survival mode. Walking through life in a grief filled stupor. It feels a bit like when you're walking in dense fog and can only see a few inches in front of you. So you walk slowly and with great care, constantly looking around you to make sure you don't walk into anything or fall off a curb. I think we're both at the point where the fog is beginning to clear and we can start to see our future in front of us, although right now it's still pretty fuzzy.

We both agree that we want to try for another baby. But it's not that simple for us. It took us seven years to conceive our son with the help of fertility doctors and it's been my only pregnancy. So we really don't know if I will get pregnant again. Also, we are both carriers for cystic fibrosis so any child we conceive will have a 1 in 4 chance of having the disease. We got very lucky with our son when genetic tests showed he would not have it and I'm not sure we'll be that lucky again. And of course there's my age. We started trying to get pregnant when I was 33 and I was 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday when we finally got our positive pregnancy test. So you do the math. Yes, that makes me 41 (well not until this weekend) which is not exactly the ideal age for pregnancy.

Which is why I am wanting that crystal ball. To tell me if I will be able to have a successful pregnancy if I try again. To save me the agony of trying and failing, or trying and having another tragedy like this time. To tell me if I should just accept the fact that I will never have a child. To tell me I should start thinking about adoption. I want a crystal ball to tell me which decision will be the right one. I want it to tell me which way things are going to go. I want it to save me from being hurt like this again.

That's not too much to ask,,, is it???


  1. I am so sorry for your loss...please visit my friends blog, she lost her sweet Lilly (stillborn) this year...her blog is her journey through pain and are in my prayers.

    Hannah's blog

    my blog

  2. Hello… I know about living in “survival mode” . I did for MANY years, not because of the loss of a child, but because of many other traumatic events & a cycle I was trapped in. I applaud you for sharing your story through your blog & I know that it will help you find clarity on the decisions you are trying to make. ;) I’m a new follower from the Magical Monday Blog Hop. Here’s a link to my blog if you’d like: Randomly Speaking, Poetically Thinking, Simply Me...: This Sunday’s Reflection… (01/02/11)

  3. It is definitely not too much to ask... I wish I had one to see the future on so many different levels- just to see safety. If I had one before Cullen died I could have done *something* to better his chances.. to know that he needed help. If only.... Life is full of them, and as bereaved mothers I am adjusted to the fact that I will forever live with what -if's as a part of who I now am.. I will always hate a part of myself for not doing things differently, but strangely enough I have come to accept that as my reality. It just is.

    Peace to you in your decisions mamma....

  4. It really isn't. I wish I could give you a crystal ball that would let you know. I wish I had one for myself too. It feels like such a leap into the pitch black, to try for another child, and not to know if everything will work out. And I wish it could be simple for all of us.
    I hope you reach a decision that you and your husband are at ease with xo

  5. Hi, I'm following from the blog hop.
    I'd love a follow back at

  6. A crystal ball would be super nice. An easy decision would be nice too. Anything would be better than the grand abyss that looms in front of us. Sending much love to you as you face the abyss. Here to hold your hand when you need it!

  7. I found you on bloggy moms and your latest follower. I am at I wish you peace of mind in your decision whether to have another child. (hug)

  8. Was reading over at Glow and thought you might like to read the latest post...

  9. If only there was such a thing as a crystal ball...

    But isn't it the journey and not the destination that makes us what we are? If I saw that I'd lost Elizabeth before it happened, would I not steel away my heart? I doubt I would feel the intense love I have for her and would never change that.
    I do know what you mean though - a way to see into the future and know go for it, or not. I am sure you know the answer in your heart dear lady, you and your husband do...

    So much strength and love to you

  10. Thanks for all your kind words. I know in time I will make the right decision but sometimes I get impatient. Oh, and thanks Missy for that link.

  11. I hope that you have found the right decision. I would love future clarity too.

    Stopping from Time Travel Tuesday!