|Photo courtesy of photos8.com|
It's a new year, a fresh start, and time to start making some decisions about what's coming next. Since we lost our son in August we've been in survival mode. Walking through life in a grief filled stupor. It feels a bit like when you're walking in dense fog and can only see a few inches in front of you. So you walk slowly and with great care, constantly looking around you to make sure you don't walk into anything or fall off a curb. I think we're both at the point where the fog is beginning to clear and we can start to see our future in front of us, although right now it's still pretty fuzzy.
We both agree that we want to try for another baby. But it's not that simple for us. It took us seven years to conceive our son with the help of fertility doctors and it's been my only pregnancy. So we really don't know if I will get pregnant again. Also, we are both carriers for cystic fibrosis so any child we conceive will have a 1 in 4 chance of having the disease. We got very lucky with our son when genetic tests showed he would not have it and I'm not sure we'll be that lucky again. And of course there's my age. We started trying to get pregnant when I was 33 and I was 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday when we finally got our positive pregnancy test. So you do the math. Yes, that makes me 41 (well not until this weekend) which is not exactly the ideal age for pregnancy.
Which is why I am wanting that crystal ball. To tell me if I will be able to have a successful pregnancy if I try again. To save me the agony of trying and failing, or trying and having another tragedy like this time. To tell me if I should just accept the fact that I will never have a child. To tell me I should start thinking about adoption. I want a crystal ball to tell me which decision will be the right one. I want it to tell me which way things are going to go. I want it to save me from being hurt like this again.
That's not too much to ask,,, is it???