Monday, 10 January 2011

The Room

Our son's room. The room where he was going to sleep and play. The room where I was going to change him and feed him and rock him to sleep. The room where he was going to grow up. The room that had a future. The room that was going to be filled with joy and hope. What do we do with this room now? Now that there is no baby, no crib, and no rocking chair? This room is still empty and so is my heart.

Well sort of empty. The mattress from the old guest bed is still there leaning up against the wall. The paintings and mirror that once hung on the walls are on the floor. There is a blow up bed from when my Mom came to visit us after my c-section back in August. You see, this room was still in transition when we got the horrible news that our son had passed away. It was being converted from a guest room into a nursery.

So it sits there very much as it had been on that day. Frozen in time, a time where there was still going to be a baby and the old stuff needed to go. Unfinished, like my dreams of a successful pregnancy and happy family. A chaotic mess, the way I feel about myself a lot of the time.

But you can't freeze time, it goes on even when you don't want it to.

So what to do with the room? Do we buy a new guest bed? Do we empty it out? Do we leave it the crazy mess it is now? We did a lot of thinking and have decided to turn it into an exercise room. A fresh start for the room and a fresh start for us as well. One of the things we decided after our tragedy is that if it's just going to be the two of us then we need to get healthy for each other. If it's just going to be the two of us then we owe it to each other to live for a long time. So we're buying a treadmill and installing a TV in there. We'll keep the blow up bed for when guests come over from the US of course.

It's heartbreaking. This isn't what I had planned. I wasn't supposed to have to re-do this room until he was old enough to decide that the sports theme I chose was "too babyish." When he was too big for his crib and we were getting ready to move him into his "big boy" bed. I wanted my baby boy, not a treadmill. I wanted to be playing with him on the floor in that room, not doing sit ups on a yoga ball. I wanted a lot of things that I'm never going to have, but at least we're doing something healthy and positive.

Hopefully, some day I can write another post about how I'm having to convert our exercise room into a nursery.

Hopefully.

Hopefully

Please??

23 comments:

  1. I'm following you from blog hop. I was drawn to your blog title because those words have escaped my lips before. I lost my Mom back in 2004 (I was 23). I also had a miscarriage in October of last year. While that pales in comparison to losing your baby so much later, I was completely heart broken. I can't imagine what you have gone through.
    Here's a link to the post I wrote when I had my miscarriage:
    http://www.closertome.net/2010/11/confession.html

    and here's a bit I wrote about my Mom:
    http://www.closertome.net/2010/07/running-with-pain.html

    and one more (sorry!) when I also talk about having a new "normal" in my life:
    http://www.closertome.net/2010/08/what-not-to-say-to-grieving.html

    (if you don't have time to read them, that's okay too!)

    I'm so sorry for your loss, nobody understands the depth of pain you can experience.

    Rachel

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  2. I think a treadmill could be really therapeutic. And I think having to find a new place for that stupid treadmill so you can make that room into a nursery would be absolutely fantastic. I will be hoping with you.

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  3. hey! i'm following from the mom blog monday hop! i'd love if you could visit my blog and follow back :)

    this was so hard to read, we've lost two babies ourselves.... i hope that you can find peace and starting towards a new, healthy you will help some!

    best,
    april
    www.marineparents-blog.com

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  4. wow.

    i just can't imagine...i am so very sorry about your loss.

    also, i think your plan for the room is great. making it an area that you can use to exercise, spend time with your husband, think about your son...

    sounds like a good time for some YOU time:)

    still, i hope that you're soon able to change it back to a nursery.

    love and kindness,

    andrea

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  5. It hurt so much to leave Maddie's room empty and alone for so long, but it hurt more to put it away. Hugs to you!

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  6. Our stories are so similar. I live your pain everyday.

    If the tread mill and TV are going to give you some kind of pleasure, do it, you deserve it. Maybe keep all the baby stuff somewhere close by. Just in case.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. My very dear friend went through the same thing several years ago. She now has a family of three. Two boys of her own and a little girl she adopted from China. The honor their daughter each year when they put up the Christmas tree (the time of year they lost her) She has a special ornament. Her name was Julia. God has a plan. Sometimes when we get to these points in our life it helps to have a conversation with God. I hate to say 'pray'...just 'talk'...about your sadness..your loss...your hopes for the future. God does answer in amazing ways. I hope you find healing and happiness in your future. If not a gym...maybe a 'reading room'...someplace to be peaceful...I know so well how loss feels. My mother died when I was six. No one can take that feeling away. It takes time for it to heal. Hugs, Patti

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  8. (visiting from Mingle Monday hop)

    I think your plans for now sound good, maybe paint the walls a new color.

    I am so very sorry for your loss and the the depth of pain and the hole left.

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  9. A guest room and exercise room sounds like heaven! We're in a one bedroom and placing our crib right next to our bed for now :). But alas, I'm still super excited.

    <3, New Follower

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  10. I can't imagine a pain more unbearable than that of losing a child. I finished reading your post with tears streaming down my face. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and I'm so hopeful for you that this exercise room will be oh so temporary.

    Glad to be a new follower through the Bloggy Moms blog hop.

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  11. HI there! I am your newest follower from the blog hop! LOVELY BLOG:) You can find me at www.bouffeebambini.blogspot.com

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  12. Stopping by from today’s blog hop and am your newest follower. I hope that 1 of my blogs interests you too.
    http://tawnasplan.blogspot.com
    http://btrbb.blogspot.com
    http://tawnassecret.blogspot.com

    Thanks
    Tawna

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  13. I know that pain. I've thinking of bringing my little stair-stepper out of storage and putting it in the nursery/computer room. I don't think I'm ready to spend that much time in there though. It's the woulda, shoulda, coulda room. I am proud of you for being positive and proactive with it!

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  14. Oh, Sweetheart. I found you via the blog hop and I'm so glad I did. It's heartbreaking what your write about but I admire your positive attitude. You have stood up to the grief you have obviously suffered and are doing something about getting your life back on track. That is totally wonderful for you.

    CJ xx

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  15. Thanks everyone. It's not an easy decision, but I think we're making the right choice.

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  16. The more I read of your blog, the more it breaks my heart. The idea of all those dreams and plans... I'm so so sorry for your loss. I don't know if it will make you feel better or worse, but your blog makes me feel so grateful for my children. I hope that your life can be rich in lots of ways.

    (I found you through blog gems. I wrote a long comment on another post last time I was here (also through blog gems) but I can't see it now - maybe I messed up the posting? Maybe I went to spam? Anyway, I will be back. :) )

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  17. Thanks imperfect pages. I don't know what happened to your other comment but I'm sure it was lovely.

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  19. Oh honey,
    I don't know what to say.

    I found your blog through Alison's rewind and coincidentally, I have posted an entry on my own experience.

    Take care and we will all continue to be here for you. The blogosphere is a beautiful place.

    SSG xxx

    Sydney Shop Girl blog

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  20. I'm new to your blog, I found you via Weekend Rewind. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that very soon, you can redecorate that room into a nursery once more, a little brother or sister for your son.

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  21. Popping over from weekend rewind.

    Words escape me, to get so far and to lose so much. Best wishes for a long and happy future together, and may their be a blessing of a new little bub somewhere in your future. xxx

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  22. I'm so sorry that you had to make this decision. It's wonderful that you chose to do something so positive in the midst of so much grief for your little one.

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  23. My heart is breaking. An empty room. The hardest space of all to fill. All I can do is to agree with Melissa and hope that it will one day be a potential nursery again.

    Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro.

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