To all of you who have lost children. Do you ever see them in your dreams?
Today is the 13th of January. It's been exactly 5 months since my beautiful, perfect son was born still. He was perfect in every way, a victim of his placenta which failed to do it's job. Five months since we said good bye to our hopes and dreams. Five months since we had the dream of the perfect family.
Not once in those five months have I had any dreams of my beloved son.
I am an avid dreamer. I remember them all. I have many recurring dreams, being naked in public, being chased, being on an elevator that is out of control. I dream about all sorts of things. But for the life of me, I am unable to dream about our son.
Somewhere in between my 34 week doctor appointment where I last heard my baby's heartbeat and the 36 week scan where there was no heartbeat, my husband had a dream about our son. I remember it so well. He woke up with a big smile on his face. "I saw our son last night in my dream." he said. "He had these beautiful big blue eyes and he was smiling at me." The joy on my husband's face was something I will never forget. "He is beautiful," he told me. "I can't wait to meet him."
I remember sharing this story with a few of my friends. How lovely, I thought. How lovely that my husband is dreaming about our son. What a fantastic father he will be. Little did I know that our son had most likely already grown his angel wings by then.
Is it possible that what my husband was dreaming about was actually our son saying good bye? Do you believe in things like that? I'm not sure if I do or not, but it's an awfully strange coincidence that the only dream he had about our baby boy was during the time that he left his body and went to live in heaven. Either way, I would like to believe that it was our son's way of letting us know that he was leaving us and that he is OK.
I just wish that I could see him in my dreams as well. I miss him so much.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I absolutely believe that we can speak with deceased ones through our dreams. In the few months after my Mom died I dreamed of her multiple times a week. Every dream was so real to me, and I felt like I had been with her. In each dream I wasn't allowed to say anything about her no longer being alive because if I did, she would disappear, so I learned not to. After a few months, I had a dream of her drifting off on a boat. I stood at the dock and waved bye to her. I haven't really dreamt of her since, a bit on and off but not like those ones. I think she was with me closely to make sure I was okay and then she needed to go.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I'm sure it was your son saying hi to your husband. I am sure you will have your experience with him too, unfortunately we can't predict or control when that is, but it doesn't mean he isn't with you.
Rachel
Oh how I wish I could see my boys in my dreams! It has only been about a month and a half since I lost them so I guess there is always a chance. I believe that dreams hold the possibility of links to realms beyond our everyday lives. I've had too many dreams that were premonitions of things that actually happened to not believe in their power.
ReplyDeleteI saw my boy once, in my dreams, long after he had been born and had died. He looked nothing like he did in "real" life, but I did get to see life behind his eyes - it was amazing.
ReplyDeleteSending you love on the 5 month mark.
I wish I could see his face in my dreams... it would mean so much to me.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and grace for this 5 month milestone.
I don't really dream of Florence, there have been fleeting glimpses in my dreams, once she opened her eyes, and once she smiled. The only other time she was quiet and still in a box and I lost her.
ReplyDeleteYour husbands dream sounds beautiful, and if it brings you both comfort then that's all that matters. I hope it does. x
I once dreamed about a toddler boy on my lap. I don't know if it was him or not. I hoped for a long time he would meet me in my dreams, but if he has I don't remember. Much love as you pass the 5 month anniversary.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being strong enough to share your story with the world. I know, just know, that you are bringing comfort to others that are grieving as well.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that our angels come to say goodbye, it has happened me and it will happen for you, in time, when you are ready. Big hugs. Jen
ReplyDeleteThe only dream I had of Louise (that wasn't a nightmare) was Christmas morning. She was my perfect little girl and I was a loving mother. I was getting her up and ready for Christmas day. It was so beautiful. I think it was my Christmas gift from her.
ReplyDeleteI haven't lost a child ... but I do believe that it is possible that it was your son's way of communicating. And I think that's a really beautiful way of interpreting your husband's dream.
ReplyDeleteI have dreamed about a baby girl several times lately..but its not my daughter. It's odd..
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love and big ((HUGS))
There are so many emotions I would have if this were to happen to me. Robbed-- because I have not had a dream yet. A little jealous-- because my husband had that opportunity.-- And so on....
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) coming your way.
I definitely think it is possible and I have dreamt of Ava. My sister dreamt she carried Ava too (which I thought was lovely). I hope that your son comes to you in your dreams soon.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I have given you an award for your lovely blog. You just need to come and collect it from my blog.
Wishing you gentleness
I've never lost a child the way that you did, but I lost my Father & also my Aunt who took care of me when my Father died & my Mother went to prison... I also lost my Grandma who I was close to and I dream of all 3 of them. They are vivid dreams. I like to think they visit me. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope one day to see him in my dreams.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that God lets angels say goodbye--not for them, but for us. I have never lost a child, but I saw my grandfather in a dream the night before I got married. I've always felt that it was his way of letting me know that he was there.
ReplyDeleteI believe that anything is possible...Thank you for sharing such a touching post..
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