Today I was walking at a lovely park near my house. I saw a woman walking her dog. This cute brown and white dog had found a stick in the tall grass and was happily running back and forth with it. He would run up to his owner, drop the stick and wait happily for her to throw it into the distance. Then he would rush off to find it once she had. I was taken by the sheer look of joy in this dog's eyes. He was blissful, happy, not a care in the world. So happy to have this stick to play with on this lovely day.
I recall feeling exactly like this dog after my 20 week scan. We were having a healthy baby boy. No chromosomal abnormalities, no structural abnormalities, our baby was growing perfectly. I felt just like that dog. Not a care in the world. My husband would describe me as "giddy." Like the dog, I ran happily through life so excited to have my baby growing inside me. Anxiously awaiting my chance to play with him.
Oh how I wish I could have that feeling back again.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Ugh, this hurts my heart to read. I'm sorry that that feeling is gone and that chasing it leaves you feeling empty. I know that feeling well. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI believe you'll get that feeling back... You are writing through the pain. This is a great post, though & I'm sure MANY can relate.
ReplyDeleteLike Jessica, I think I know this feeling. I didn't believe anything could go wrong after my twenty scan and I couldn't believe how lucky I was.
ReplyDeleteI wish you could have that happiness and anticipation back. xo
I think this is weel said and I wish for the same thing for myselfan and each blm I know
ReplyDeleteI think I would give anything to go back and view pregnancy and childbirth in such a different view, partly because I long for the old view, but in reality because it would mean Cullen never died...
ReplyDeleteI wish it was different for all of us. Thinking of you...
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that you (and I) could both have the feeling back of being pregnant. Please know that I would if I could.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog. The name is perfect. I have always referred to my own life after our first son died as my new normal. Take care.
I really feel for you... You will get back to a "new normal", I promise... I have had two miscarriages, so I know what you are going through, somewhat... I wasn't as far along as you, so I'm sure you feel your loss even MORE than I did and I thought no one could feel the way I did... There aren't any comforting words for me to say... like anything else, pain over loss has to run it's course, but it will pass... you will still hold it somewhere in your heart, but it won't be so sharp and fresh... and you will feel "normal" again.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog on the weekend wander blog hop. I want to read more, so I'm following. You won't find me on the blog hop, but you can visit me at http://jewelzfrontporch.blogspot.com, when you get a chance. Would love having you visit.
ReplyDeleteJewel
hey, stopping by via FTLOB and read some of your posts. I'm not going to say what most might say but instead I'm going to say congrats to you for understanding what you had, dealing with the pain and now looking for that joy in life again. Believe me you WILL find it! There's always a rainbow at the end of a storm! Following your blog!
ReplyDeleteI think in my new normal I have to come to terms with the fact that I won't ever have that feeling again. Instead I have to find a new happy. It won't be as innocent or giddy as before, but maybe it can still be happy.
ReplyDeleteYou will find a happiness that you are content with again, I know this in my soul because it is part of you and your being.
ReplyDeleteWhether it be filled with that giddy over joyous feeling, only time will tell. The overjoyed and excited feeling is part of the moment we are in that pushes it out. The time is still fresh and you will always have memories of your son, memories of that type of happiness that you did have and know it was there.
xxhugs