Since losing my son, I have lost control over my emotions. They swing back and forth, from happy highs to crashing lows on a whim. Their whim, not mine.
As someone who has always been fairly level headed and logical this is a huge adjustment for me. Especially when I'm out in public. I never used to cry in public places. Not for any reason, not ever. I used to be a very private crier. But not anymore it seems.
It seems that my "new normal" is crying whenever and wherever the mood strikes me. I am not thrilled about this of course, but it seems I have no control over it. My emotions have taken over and logic is out the window.
I usually carry sunglasses around just for these moments. I know I must look silly walking around London on a rainy day with my huge glasses on but I don't care.
But then there's those moments when I'm caught without them. Like this morning when I was out walking. Exercise has been my salvation. It's been a huge mood lifter and made me feel better about myself. It's a way to release my tension and sadness. And you guessed it, it brings out the tears.
So there I am, walking as fast as I can through a lovely park near my house. Ipod blasting, arms pumping, and the tears rush out. Sobbing while I walk, not just little cute tears but a full blown sob. Nice right? Not embarrassing at all right? I was horrified and quite far from home.
No sunglasses with me so I'm totally exposed. I have no choice but to just let it all out. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person. But luckily I live in England, and the English are very polite. So if anyone noticed, they all pretended not to. But I know what they must have been thinking.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Oh honey,those sobs that come from nowhere are so hard. x
ReplyDeleteTears from nowhere are tricky. I cried in a restaurant two nights ago and was so embarrassed. The server was either oblivious or just rude because she kept interrupting to refill my half-full water glass. Or maybe they were taking bets on why the crazy lady in the corner was crying.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure if anyone noticed and was thinking anything, it was probably just that they wished they could somehow do something to make it better for you.
Another who finds unexpected tears hard too. No words of wisdom I'm afraid but sending much love and strength to you.
ReplyDeleteI think the sunglasses sound just fine; I have seen much much stranger than that on the streets of London x
Another who finds unexpected tears hard too. No words of wisdom I'm afraid but sending much love and strength to you.
ReplyDeleteI think the sunglasses sound just fine; I have seen much much stranger than that on the streets of London x
Me too, on the tears out of nowhere. They've been compounded with my gran being in the hospital this week. I was lying in my chiropractor's office on the table a couple weeks ago when I just started SOBBING. She treats in a group setting so there were several others getting adjustments there on their tables as well, so it was a little awkward, to say the least. Target was another spot where I recently just started sobbing, loudly, as I walked the aisles...
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I live in my sunglasses too, and even though I'm in California it's been awfully gray and rainy here so I'm sure I also get some good stares as I walk around sobbing in my sunglasses...
Agreeing with everybody else that unexpected tears, sobbing in public places, not being able to fully control the crying - that crap is hard. And embarrassing. And happens to the best of us. Although I will say that, for me at least, it's happened less and less as time has passed. xx
ReplyDeleteI too couldn't be damned with what others thought of my tears in public, but have limited my venturing out a lot. Hospital appointments are the worst for me, going back *there* and having meltdowns is all part of 'my new normal' now...
ReplyDeleteMaybe we just look like someone else who has an eyelid lift, with the shades? Much love and strength to you
"But luckily I live in England, and the English are very polite. So if anyone noticed, they all pretended not to."
ReplyDeleteMe too. Sometimes I'm grateful that everybody pretends not to notice but, at other times, it makes wonder if I even exist.
It is awful when it sneaks up on you out of nowhere. Don't worry about looking odd in sunglasses on a rainy day, if they make you feel less exposed than that is all that matters.
Bless your heart.
ReplyDeleteI struggled 9 years with infertility. And I can not imagine the emotions you are having.
Hugs coming your way.
I am a new follwer!
I haven't lost a child, so I can't relate exactly, but my husband died four years ago. His death changed me as I have learned to deal with it all. I recently came to the conclusion that I am now a person who cries easily. Never was before, but I am now. I often feel the tears before I realize that I'm crying. I guess I'm just more connected now than I ever was before. But the social part is hard because I hate making others feel awkward.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.. and knowing exactly how great the superpowers of big dark sunglasses really are.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know I'm not the only one who does this. But it's sad too because it means we are all still hurting so much.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, we are all still hurting so much. This grief we live with now chooses no place, no time. It comes wherever and whenever it pleases - tears, sobs and all - for the world to see.
ReplyDeleteThank you for dropping by my blog and leaving kind words. I'm sorry for the loss of your son. Love and blessings to you.
No, you are certainly not the only one who does this! I lost my mind in a store not long ago. When I say lost my mind, I mean all out sobbing. It was cute. Well, no, the opposite! But it happens...it just happens.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up, I had some anxiety problems. I know it's strange to think of a grade-schooler with a panic disorder, but I sure did have one. Anyway, my grandfather was an amazing man, and he was always offering love and support. He said to me one day, "They're not going to eat you." For some reason that has stuck with me all these years. No matter what, those people can't eat you. No matter what, they truly don't mean much of anything. Don't be embarrassed, what you're feeling is REAL.
Sending love and prayers.
I just read your story of how you lost your son. I was just like you... so numb and in denial when we saw the last sonogram of our daughter. Your story brought tear to my eyes. Five months of grief is still fresh. For me restaurants were hard when there were babies around. A mom whose baby girl was stillborn 4yrs ago cried at Target when it was back to school shopping season and little backpacks were everywhere which could've been her daughter's turn to go to school. I guess over the years it will hit us in random places.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog it took me to a place where I didn’t want to revisit. I was fresh out of the hospital from delivering Louise, perinea l swelled up, back in pain from the epidural and breasts full of milk. I wanted to get her a special dress and pretty little tights to be cremated in. I thought that she deserved a brand new dress, this was the only time I’d be able to go clothes shopping for my little girl. But then I remembered the commitment my husband and I made to the environment. In an effort to create less landfill waste and decrease consumer demand, we promised to buy everything second hand with the exception of a few safety related items (gates, car seats and mattresses). I thought Louise would want us to keep our promise. I went to a local thrift store, it is in an older building and luckily it is a bit of a maze with lots of hiding spots. At first I was the only one in the children’s section and the tears started to pour out as I was looking through racks of ridiculously cute dresses. It took awhile to find the newborn section and by that time another women and young son came. I was trying to be strong but I was in the middle of a break down. The women was going on about how the boys Aunt was having a baby in January and how life would be so great and how they couldn’t buy any clothes today because they didn’t know the sex of the baby. She was politely elbowing me along the newborn rack totally oblivious to the fact I was in a state of crisis. I just wanted to scream at her (and maybe punch her in the face). The boy got it though, he just kept staring at me, looking at me with these ever so compassionate eyes. I just wanted to hug him. They left and I was able to resume my search in peace. I found a little dress that reminded me of something my mom would dress me in, I cried all the way to the cash, I cried all the way to the car, I cried even louder in the car.
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