Stupid Time Change

Whoever dreamt up changing clocks back and forth for "Daylight Savings Time" or "British Summer Time" clearly did not have a small baby. Especially a small baby who they had just barely gotten on a sleeping schedule. If I ever meet the genius who invented this sleep-routine-ruiner I will be sure to give them a piece of my mind.... although I suspect they may have died a long time ago.

Here in the UK we changed our clocks back one hour and it is wreaking havoc in our house. It took me ages to get Frostina on a sleeping schedule. It started with bed time which we have been doing for quite a while now. Bath time at 6, bottle right after that, and in bed sleeping by 6:30. She would wake up once in the night to eat, usually around 2 and then back to sleep until around 6:30 or so. I would have liked her to sleep until 7 but I found that trying to put her to be any later than that just resulted in her waking up earlier.

Naps have been a bit more of a struggle. Frostina has never been a big fan of napping. But I was finally making some progress. A 45 min to 1 hr nap around 8:30am and then another nap around 12'ish. This second one sometimes went longer than an hour. Then I usually could get her to take another around 3. Then she was awake until the bedtime routine started.

I'm not saying things were perfect. She would sometimes want to be up at 5am (ugh) and sometimes wouldn't want to nap at our agreed upon time (well I agreed but obviously she didn't). But overall it was looking promising. I have given up a few daytime activities in order to try and get this sleeping schedule going and it was nice to see that it was worth it.

Until this weekend,,,,,,,,, and that stupid time change.

Now it's all out the window.

I know you're thinking, "Well it's only an hour, what's the big deal?" Here's what the big deal is. Last night I had to put her to bed at 5pm because she was too tired and cranky for me to try and push her to the "new" 6pm. As a result, she was up at 12:30 for her night feed and then a bright and shiny 4:30am in the morning.

Baby waking up at 4:30 and wanting to start her day is completely unacceptable to me! So I did what every good mother does. I shut off the baby monitor, shoved her dummy/pacifier back in her mouth, shut her bedroom door, and prayed for sleep.... mine and hers.

This worked ok. I did have to get up several times yesterday morning and this morning to re-insert dummy/pacifier and plod back into my own bed. But each morning I refused to get her up and out of her bed until after 6am.

But since she was actually awake earlier than the time I let her out of her bed, she needed to nap earlier. So now her morning nap was at 7:30 and that threw off the rest of the day. I ended up trying to put her down 5 separate times for naps. I got about 30-45 minutes on 4 of those attempts. So it's just a mess. She no longer knows when she should be sleeping and neither do I.

Why do we have to do this again???

Anyway, tonight I'm going to try and push her bedtime back by 15 minutes and see how that goes. If that works then I'll try pushing it later and later until we get back to the "new" 6pm.

That should probably take a couple of weeks to get sorted and then we will be off for our trip home to California where the time difference will be 8 hours...... good times!!!

She's No One's Show Pony

Frostina is a beautiful little girl with a smile that can melt your heart. She coos and babbles and has even laughed a few times. I love those moments with her. Those magical moments when we smile back and forth and "talk" about our day. Just the two of us gazing into each others eyes, feeling the love that flows between the two of us.

She's even cuter with The Hubby. She loves her Daddy!! In fact, the first time she laughed properly was with him. I love watching them interact. The way her eyes light up when he talks to her. The way she smiles at him and the way he smiles back. It's amazing to watch.

I wish everyone else could see just how cute she looks when she's sporting her toothless little grin. Unfortunately the second I whip out a camera she stops smiling.

Here's how it goes in our house.

• Put the camera away, smile. 
• Take the camera back out, no smile. 
• Put the camera away, smile. 
• Take the camera back out, no smile.
• Lather, rinse, repeat.

In addition to her "no smiling for cameras" rule, Frostina seems to save her smiles for only a chosen few. You know how you see those babies who smile at everyone who even remotely glance in their direction?? Well Frostina is definitely not one of those babies. At the moment she will only smile for me, The Hubby, and the woman who comes once a week to clean our house.

Anyone else is out of luck. It's not like we never go anywhere. We're out and about all the time. Especially since we live in a city where people walk everywhere and we don't have a car. Everywhere we go there are people to interact with. So it's not like being around new people is something strange to her.

No matter how hard people try, and boy do people try... she just won't budge.

• The nice old lady in the grocery store- no smile.
• The other Mothers in our baby group- no smile.
• My friends who we meet up with for lunch or coffee- no smile.
• The nurse who does her immunizations- no smile.... although I with her on that one.

There have been a few exceptions to this but generally she only smiles at people on her terms,,, when she feels like it. So as a result I find myself bearing witness to grown adults trying their best tricks to get a smile out of this baby. You wouldn't believe how far people will go,,,, it's pretty comical.

When I warn them that she's not a huge smiler (is that a word?) they seem to take the information as a challenge. This information seems to spur them on even further. They now want to be one of the "chosen few" who get a smile. Mostly they fail.

I was expressing my frustration about this to a friend of mine this week. I want everyone who meets her to see just how amazing and happy she is. I want her to smile at them the way she smiles at us. So they can see just how cute she can be.

My friend just smiled and said, "Well she's no one's show pony... good for her."

I've always said to The Hubby that I can't wait for her to start showing us her personality. And she is... she's showing us that she's no one's show pony. She has a mind of her own and does what she wants, when she wants.

I suppose that in life, that trait will serve her well but for now I just wish she would smile for people..... or at least for the camera so I can prove to people that she actually can do it.

I'm Finally Packing For Three

It feels like my blogging life has come full circle.

Or it's about to.

Where it all started,,, it's about to return,,, but with a much happier result this time.

It's surreal on many levels.

I almost can't believe it's actually happening.

If you would have told the me of 2 years ago that this day would come I'm not sure I would have believed you.

And yet here it is.

We are planning a trip home to see the family. We leave in a couple of weeks and I've got so much planning and packing to do.

A trip we do and prepare for every year.

But this year we are actually bringing a living, breathing baby with us.

No ashes in an urn.

A real living baby.

A real living baby!!!

We get to do all the things we had planned before....

A christening.

Family photos.

Sharing our joy with our loved ones.

Such a different place from where this whole blogging journey began.

That day, almost two years ago, when I wrote this post and Finding My New Normal was born.

Friday, 5 November 2010

I should be packing right now.

I really should be packing. We are flying home to see the family for the first time since losing our son in August. This was going to be the first visit home for him to meet his grandparents and extended family. But instead of bringing home a happy baby, we are bringing home his ashes in a tiny plastic urn. Instead of being held by his loving parents, his ashes will be scattered in a beautiful place that we both love. It is not fair and I do not want to have to be doing any of this. So this is why I am not packing yet. Because once I start packing I have to face the reality that I am only packing for 2 and not for 3.



A post about packing for a trip home is where it all began.

And today I once again write about packing for a trip home.

But today things are very different than they were that dark and sad day in November of 2010.

This time around I'm finally packing for three!!!

Just Me And My Frosty (1 Year Later)

A year ago today I went in for a frozen embryo transfer. I had given our little frozen embryo the nickname Frosty because after years of infertility treatments you have to find ways to make things fun. Once we knew Frosty was a girl we changed her nickname to Frostina and that's still her name here on the blog.

I wrote all about that day and my feelings in this post. I was on my own and nervous, but very hopeful that day.

Fast forward to today, 1 year after that transfer and I am sitting here with our little girl in my arms. Well actually, at this very moment she's sleeping in her Daddy's arms,,,, but the point I'm making is that it worked!! I have a real life baby as a result of that frozen embryo transfer.

Somehow, that little embryo we nicknamed Frosty turned into a real life living baby.

1 year ago today I was sent back to my hotel room with a photo of a little embryo.

Today I have this amazing photo to look at.

We did these at Gymboree this week,,,, aren't they the cutest???

Two 4 Month Milestones, Oh How Different They Are

I can't believe that in a couple of days my little Frostina will be 4 months old. I'd like to say that the time has flown by but that would be a lie. Life with a colicky baby moves at a snails pace. You find yourself counting down the days until the crying passes. Everyone tells you that 12 weeks is when that happens. So you wait and you wait and you wait.

Then at 12 weeks it happens! The colic passes just like everyone tells you it will. It's like magic. And it's wonderful.

She is like a different baby now. She's happy and playful and mostly only cries when she needs something. We've been getting out more now and doing fun things like baby groups and gymboree. She loves gymboree, especially the bubbles. She opens her mouth like she wants to eat them,,,, it's so cute.

She has just barely started to grab things and I'm still amazed each time I see her do something new. She has almost outgrown her moses basket so we've been putting her in her crib (cot bed) now. I was quite nervous about that, but with the video monitor with it's night vision I can actually see her better now in the dark than I could before. So if the need strikes (which it still does) I can watch her breathing in the middle of the night.

Back in December of 2010 I was experiencing a different 4 month milestone. It was 4 months since my son was born still. I wrote about it here. The two experiences couldn't be more different. 4 months out from the death and birth of my son vs 4 months out from the live birth of my daughter. The same amount of time.... yet completely different emotions.

I still think about him all the time. What he would be like. What he would look like. What kind of big brother he would have been to Frostina.

I saw a woman walking yesterday with a little boy who was about the age my son would have been. She was also pushing a buggy with a little girl who looked the same age as Frostina.

I started to cry when I saw them walking in front of me. They were a picture of what could have been. What should have been. What will never be.

Her First Cold

When you have a new baby you look forward to so many firsts. Her first smile, her first coo, her first steps. What you don't look forward to is the first time your little baby gets sick.

Well that's what happened this week. Our little Frostina got her first cold.

I know it's totally normal. I know all babies get sick. I know that I should expect between 8 and 10 colds a year. But it was still quite traumatic for me.

Of course it had to happen when The Hubby was away on business. Of course it had to happen at 11:30 on a Saturday night. Because it would have been way too convenient for it to start on  Tuesday afternoon when all the doctors offices are open and The Hubby was in town.

It started with a loud COUGH. I immediately rushed in thinking she was choking on something. That's when I noticed the snot,,,, and I knew exactly what it was.

The first night was rough. She wasn't sure what all this snot and coughing was all about. She was desperately tired and yet every time she was almost back asleep she would wake herself up with a cough. Then she would cry because she couldn't breathe or sleep.

My poor baby. Oh, and poor me who had to rock her in the chair from 3-5am until she was finally so exhausted that she was able to sleep through the coughs.

She's on the mend now. Still snotty and coughing, but sleeping much better. She still isn't eating as much because I'm sure it's hard to suck down a bottle when your nose is full of snot. But she's going to be OK.

Now if only I can recover in time for the next one!

She Looks Just Like Her Daddy

That's what everyone tells me.

And they're right, she does look exactly like him. Like him in a way I didn't think was possible. I say this because I've always been one of those people who think too much is put into who the baby looks like. I've always said that babies look like babies. They look like each other. Or that they look like whoever is holding them.

Then my daughter arrived looking exactly like her father. So there goes my theory out the window.

I don't mind the comments, really I don't. People who tell me she looks just like him. Because she does.

There's just this one small thing..... she doesn't look at all like me.... and she won't... because we used an egg donor.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it during my normal day. After all, I carried her for 37 weeks and gave birth to her just like every other mother. She is my daughter. I know this in my heart and in my soul.

But when someone says to me, "I hate to say this but I don't see any of you in her, I only see her Daddy," or, "That's not your face I see, it's got to be her Father's," it feels like a tiny stab in my heart. These people with their innocent comments. Well meaning, and quite accurate in their assessment that she looks nothing like me.

They are right, and for some reason that bothers me.

I guess I was hoping that by some twist of fate she would look more like me. A physical manifestation of the love and intense connection I feel for her. Not because it changes how I feel about her,,,, it doesn't. But I was just hoping that she would and when people would tell me she looked like me I could smile and thank them with a knowing twinkle in my eye.

It bothers me that this bothers me. After all, she's my miracle rainbow baby and I'm so blessed to have her. I guess this is just something I'm going to have to get over.




linking up with Shell

Bad Blogger

I've been a bad blogger. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's just because I'm having trouble finding the time to write. The Hubby travels a lot for work so I'm on my own with Frostina a lot. When she finally does go to bed I'm so tired it's hard to string my thoughts together. So I apologize for not writing and for not commenting on your blogs. I am reading them and following your stories.

Here's a few quick updates on me.

• I haven't seen my therapist again yet because she's been away, but I'm feeling much better and much less anxious.
• Frostina's colic seems to be going away,,, slowly,, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
• In addition to colic it appears she has reflux. We have just started treating this with a new dairy free formula (which is SUPER expensive) and baby antacid. Just made the switch yesterday so we will see how it goes.
• Frostina still hates to nap, but I'm hoping the reflux meds will help with that.

Lots more to say, but no time for now. Again, I apologize and hope to be able to get better at writing here once I can get Frostina on some sort of schedule.

It Could Have Happened Again

As I was writing about my struggles with anxiety and moodiness since Frostina was born I mentioned something in passing that I realized I haven't shared here on the blog. I don't know why I haven't talked about this before. It's actually a huge revelation and something that will affect any future pregnancies I may have. I'm going to blame baby brain and sleep deprivation because it's the only thing I can think of as to why this wasn't something I shared right away.

After Frostina was born, my doctor made the statement, "Well it's a good thing she was born today." When I asked why he explained that based on the very low fluid levels and the fact that my placenta looked quite degraded, it looked to him like the same thing that happened during my first pregnancy with my son had happened again. He also said that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice so it's a good thing we had planned for a C-section.

As you can imagine, this news came as quite a shock to me. Keeping in mind that I was laying in the recovery room with my much wanted rainbow baby in my arms when I received this news, I didn't ask too many questions. This bombshell of information was a bit lost in my new baby euphoria mixed with what I'm assuming was some pretty good pain meds. So I did little but acknowledge the information and then go back to staring at the beautiful baby girl who was laying on my chest.

When my doctor came to see me the next day I had many more questions. We talked in length about it then and also at my 6 week follow up appointment. Basically it turns out that the "infection or virus of unknown origin" that the pathologist thought was the cause of my immune system attacking the placenta was in fact not a virus or infection at all.

It was my own immune system rejecting the pregnancy like a person might reject an organ that is donated.

For whatever reason, the pregnancy triggered an autoimmune response that resulted in my son's tragic death. Apparently this kind of reaction is the strongest the first time you are pregnant and he suspects that the trouble started around 31 weeks or so (based on his review of my scans). Each subsequent pregnancy will still trigger a reaction, but each time it will be less aggressive and happen later.

With Frostina all was looking completely normal at my 36 week scan. We had already planned the C-section for 37 weeks which was on a Friday. I went in on the Wednesday before (1 week after a perfectly normal scan) for some last minute checks and to sign all the consent forms. At that appointment we did a mini-scan with his small laptop and I remember him mentioning that fluid levels were a bit low but not to worry because we were already scheduled for delivery in 2 days. So I didnt' worry.

Well as it turns out, the fluid levels were even lower by Friday. This is why my doctor said that it's a good thing she was born when she was. As it turns out, she didn't grow at all that last week. She was born at 5 pounds and 6 ounces which is smaller than he was expecting. But at 37 weeks she was full term and as we all know, things turned out fine. But it's so scary to think that if I didn't have such a good doctor and receive such vigilant care, things may have turned out much differently.

If I'd had a doctor who wasn't willing to scan me as often. If I'd had a doctor who didn't agree to schedule a C-section at 37 weeks exactly. If I'd had a doctor who wanted me to go full term, or try for a VBAC, or wasn't as educated in high risk pregnancies..... I shudder to think about that.

It could have happened again,,,,,,,

I'm so grateful that it didn't. I am truly grateful for the amazing medical care I received this pregnancy. And I'd also like to think that our angel in heaven did his bit to make sure his little sister was born safe and sound.

Happy 2nd Birthday In Heaven

I'm a day late on this because yesterday was crazy busy and very emotional. 

Two years my sweet boy.
Two years since you were born silently into this world.
Two years we have been learning to live without you.
Two years.

We miss you terribly. I wish you were here with us. I wish you could be here to meet your little sister. I wish we could have been a family of 4.

Two years and I miss you just like it was yesterday.

Happy Birthday in heaven my sweet baby boy.