Please Baby Please

Be born alive and healthy.

Seems like such a simple request and yet it's all I can think about these days.

I follow lots of blogs written by women just like me. Women who have lost babies. Women who have picked themselves up and trudged through their grief. Women who have been brave enough and lucky enough to find themselves pregnant again. Women who are doing their best to manage their fear while still trying to stay positive that their rainbow babies will be delivered to them, alive and healthy.

I've been so happy to see so many rainbow babies born lately. These much wanted babies, born to parents who know what it's like to not get their happy ending. Babies who were much loved and much wanted. Babies born into families who will treat them like the true miracles that they are. Because as much as I believe that every baby born is a miracle, I think rainbow babies are just that much more special. Special to their families in a way that if you haven't lost a baby you cannot understand.

Reading about all these rainbows has given me hope. Hope that perhaps it's my turn too. My turn to have my rainbow baby born alive and healthy. Because life can't be that cruel, right? Once you've had one terrible tragedy you surely deserve your happy ending.

Yesterday I read about another angel born into heaven. A beautiful baby girl born still at 36 weeks. Her parents lost her older brother a while back and this was to be their rainbow baby. Their happy ending. Their second chance to be parents to a living child.

Reading that post struck fear into the very core of me. It took me right back to that time and place when we found out our son had passed away. That feeling never really leaves you, you just tuck it away and try not to think about it. It reminded me that life can be that cruel, and bad things can happen over and over again to good people.

When I read this terrible news I was shocked and saddened. I was so very sad for them and in a way not ready to believe that it could happen to them again. Then the reality set in, it had happened to them,,, and it could still happen to me.

It could still happen to me.
It could still happen to me.
It could still happen to me.

I couldn't get that thought out of my head. I was struck down with sheer terror at the very thought of it. It's not that this is a new concept to me. In fact, it's something that is never far from my mind. But seeing it happen to someone I feel connected to made it just that more real. And that scared me in a way I just can't explain.

I can't handle another loss and I'm pretty sure The Hubby can't either. We are so deeply in love with this baby girl. I have been thinking about what additional questions I will be asking my doctor this week to make sure we stay on top of things this time. So that we won't be caught by surprise. So that she can be born alive.

And now that's all I can think about. Please baby please, be born alive and healthy. Because your Daddy and I really need you to be here with us. Because we just can't go through all that again.

Please baby please???