Monday, 16 April 2012

She Has A Name

After months of negotiations we have finally agreed on a name for Frostina.

Our methods this time around were very different than with my last pregnancy. With my son we had this idea that we didn't want to make the final name selection until after we met him properly. Our goal was to narrow the list down to 2 or 3 names and then choose based on what we could see of his personality after he was born. We didn't share our options or ideas with anyone because we wanted to do the big "name reveal" after we made our choice.

As we all know, things went horribly wrong with my last pregnancy at 36 weeks. Once we were told that he no longer had a heartbeat, everything happened quickly and in a blur. After he was born the midwives asked us what his name was. There was silence from both of us. He didn't have one yet, we had wanted to meet him first. We wanted to match his name to his little personality. Except that we would never know what his personality would be, because we were never going to be able to meet him properly. Because he was already gone and everything about him would always be a mystery.

I was devastated and embarrassed to have to tell them he didn't have a name yet. So they just called him baby boy and our last name. They said they could update things once we made a decision.

No one should ever have to choose a name for their dead baby... I'm just saying.

We agonized over the decision, but finally made our choice. Once we picked his name we then had to go about the business of telling people. I found this task so very difficult. Everytime I tried to say his name out loud my throat would close up and my eyes would fill with tears. In the end, we decided to email his name to family and friends because saying it was just too hard. Too hard because we never said it when he was alive. We never got to address him by his name when he was still with us. So in the beginning, his name was a source of pain.

We didn't want it to be like that this time. So we used a very different strategy. We both did a list of our favorites and then each eliminated names off the others list that we didn't like. When we got the list down to 15 or so we started "road testing" them for one day each.

It's amazing what doing a road test can do to a name. I found that some of the names I thought I would love just didn't feel right, even after only one day of using them. This process got us down to a final four. With the final four names we extended our road test to a week for each name. At the end of the fourth week, it was decision time. Luckily, we both agreed on what name felt best.

So that's it! Decision made! We've already started calling her this new name and she seems to like it. We haven't told the family just yet but plan to sometime very soon. Because I don't want the first time anyone hears it to be after something terrible has happened. I want to know that no matter what, she is her own person with her own name... a name that everyone already knows.

**I do feel slightly bad writing about name selection and then having to break the news that I'm not actually going to reveal it here. It's a bit mean I suppose, but this being an anonymous blog and all it wouldn't really work if I started talking in real names now would it? So for the purposes of this blog she will always be Frostina.

Sorry about that.


17 comments:

  1. That was quite a tease! I really like your road-test idea and I'm so glad you both agree on a name for Frostina :)

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  2. I totally understand the process and decision not to share. We, too, left the hospital without names for our twins after our second trimester miscarriage. I've had a short list of names I've always liked, but we had only gotten to the point of joking about names we'd never choose, not the ones we might. We shouldn't have learned the sexes of our babies for another 4-6 weeks, and that's when we'd planned to start talking names, planning the nursery, etc.

    In the end, we named our children the week after they were born. I finally finished birth/death/name announcements 2 months later and they arrived in our families' mailboxes on October 15th, coincidentally enough.

    And boy, after hearing the guff my brother-in-law and sister-in-law got from family over the name they chose for their unborn son (the perfect name, it turns out!), I don't know if I'll want to share names until after a birth, anyway. People are so weird/oddly entitled.

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  3. So glad you found something perfect!

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  4. New follower, I found your blog through Mom Blog Monday Hop. I love the way you write it seems to come from the heart. Cannot wait to follow you along this journey and congratulation on your pregnancy and having a name for your baby

    Shirley @ http://motivatedmommyoftwo.blogspot.com/

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  5. This is an awesome way to pick a name.

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  6. um you are such a tease! I am so glad you two agreed on just the perfect name for your little girl.

    I totally get what you wrote above... We didn't know if Camille was a boy or girl before she was born. We didn't have a name picked out. It was so secondary to pick a name for our dead daughter. I knew we needed to but it was so hard because I was just so incredibly heart broken. I couldn't even think about that. I always wonder if Camille would have been Camille if she had lived. of course it fits her now...but it is curious.

    We are finding out the sex of this child and deciding on a name as well....no suprises thank you very much.

    I still wish I knew your name :) Email me :)

    Sending so much love to you. I am so happy for you.

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  7. Hahaha...The benefits of having your own blog. You're the boss. =) I absolutely loved your idea of the lists and road testing. I've never heard of anyone doing that before. Pure genius!

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  8. That sounds like a great way to chose a name :) We had a similar method to your initial method for both our girls and also regret not having a name for Gabrielle before she passed away. So we'll also be deciding on a name before our next one is born. I can completely understand you wanting to keep it private and love hearing how you decided... you're always so considered and thoughtful in everything you do :) xoxo

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  9. I just recently started following your blog, and I must say you are quite good at creating suspense!

    I'm curious about the name you chose, but I really like the name Frostina. No chance that's what it actually is, I suppose? :)

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  10. I'm glad you have a name.. :) you'vre really done this process properly...

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  11. We didn't know Hope was a girl, and she was never going to be Hope. It was just the name I blurted out after I'd pushed her out. It was the only name that fit. I still sometimes regret the decision, but as you say no one should ever have to name their dead child, and we all just do the best we can at the time.
    I bet Frostina's real name is beautiful. I for one enjoy the mystery of this blog!
    xo

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  12. Choosing the name of your baby is a special time and its great to keep that secret (the name) for as long as you can. Lovely chose for the blog name :0)

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  13. I think you made the right choose considering what you have been through. I love thinking up names for our baby due July, it is just so much fun. I'm glad you have decided, it's so hard!!!!

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  14. Excited for you.. and I like the road testing!

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  15. I'm glad that you've found a name that all three of you like! I like the idea of a road test.
    It must have been very difficult to name your son posthumously. No one should ever have to do that.

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  16. Thank you for this post.

    I like the idea of road testing names. I did that for a few minutes here and there, but never for a whole day or week. I can see how it would really help clarify.

    Do you have a middle name too, I wonder?

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