Thursday, 19 April 2012

Finding Hope In A Bikini Wax?

All the way back in September when I was coming off a failed IVF cycle and just about to begin another one (the one that worked) I wrote about finding hope in a replica of one of the chimneys from the Palau Güell in Barcelona. Then just this past February I wrote about how hope has been creeping into my life without me even noticing it.

I seem to get these flashes of hope when I least expect it. They come out of nowhere, just like the horrible flashbacks I sometimes get. These flashes of hope are the exact opposite of the flashbacks of pain and despair. A yin and an yang of emotions. For a long time I only got the negative flashbacks, but now it seems that hope is doing it's best to bring balance to my grief. So even though these flashes of hope come at at the strangest of times, I'm trying my best to embrace them. Because they sure are a lot more pleasant than the painful ones.

This time around they came in the form of a bikini wax. Yes, a bikini wax. That modern day form of torture where we lay on a table with our legs akimbo and allow some sadistic spa employee to apply wax all over our nether regions and then rip out all the hair. Although I must say that after everything I've endured in the way of infertility treatments, a bikini wax can seem like a walk in the park. 

Not an actual photo of me.
Anyway, it's been a while since I've had a bikini wax (I'm sure you really wanted to know that) so I knew this one would be a bit more painful than normal. A fact that I wasn't entirely thrilled about. I entered the room, undressed from the waist down and assumed the position. In anticipation of what was to come, I was slightly nervous about just how much this was going to hurt. Frostina, feeling my anxiety, started to kick and move around.

It was actually a nice distraction to watch my belly dancing around while the woman was applying and ripping off the wax. She thought it was funny as well so it gave us both something to chat about. Even when I had my eyes closed, I could still feel Frostina wiggling around like crazy. It made the whole experience much more enjoyable, well as enjoyable as waxing can be. 

On my way back home I was struck with a thought. I had many bikini waxes during my pregnancy with my son. Right up until a week before we lost him in fact. In all that time I don't ever remember him moving around during a wax. Not once.

That got me thinking about a question The Hubby has been asking me lately. He wanted to know if I think Frostina is more active than her brother was. I've never been able to answer that question because to be honest, I really don't remember. I was so blissfully happy after my 20 week scan and so sure he would be born alive that I really didn't pay attention to his movements. 

I think that's why I didn't notice when they started decreasing, or when they stopped completely. Because it wasn't something I put any focus on. Because it wasn't important. Because of course he was going to be born alive. I had nothing to worry about.

So this was a direct comparison. A comparison between Frostina and her older brother. One that I could vividly remember and compare properly. I was caught by surprise when Frostina kicked during my waxing because this was something her brother never did. Which means that she must be more active than he was. 

A comparison that gives me hope!

And if she's more active than he was then that must be because she is healthier than he was. More specifically, her placenta must still be hanging in there. Because the reason my son didn't make it was due to being starved of nutrients and space by his placenta. He couldn't move around as much because his placenta was failing. So if Frostina is so much more active then it must be because hers is fine.

We've been having Frostina and her placenta monitored very closely this pregnancy with nothing but positive feedback. But I've still had lingering doubts and fear. After all, everything was fine with my son,,,, until it wasn't. So I'm not entirely reassured by good feedback.

But Frostina kicking me like crazy during a bikini wax, something her brother never did, was different. Even though it's nothing that can be measured by science or medicine, it felt more real to me. It felt like proof that she is in fact better off than her brother was. That perhaps she is going to make it out of my body alive and healthy.

And that my friends is how I found hope in a bikini wax!


*Image from here.

21 comments:

  1. I love this post, it is very inspiring to know that a bikini wax can bring you hope that everything is ok with your baby. Have a great day.

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  2. Hope is such a wonderfully powerful thing... it brings light and peace :) xoxo

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  3. Obviously it's not a photo of you... Because its a photo of me... Basically. Ha!! :)

    My hubby asks whether Grae is more active than Jack, and I have no idea. Both active, both feisty. But these movements seem to come at particularily reassuring times, so I suspect she's super smart/ intuitive. :)

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  4. Love the picture. May we all look like *that* someday! I have been contemplating a pregnant bikini wax, and you're doing a pretty good sell job :)

    Hope - please be here to stay.

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  5. Impressed you got a bikini wax while preggo!

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  6. I'm glad you can get some good comparison and feel the hope wrap around you. hugs and congrats on a wax with pregnancy...I certainly don't think I could go through with it if I were pregnant.
    ~Felicia

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  7. I love the" not an actual photo of me". Haha!

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  8. I must admit I read bikini wax - pregnant - is this girl serious! I was just thinking the other day if I should 'tidy' the area and I came up with nope - too sensitive :) But it sounds like it turned out a good experience for you :) Nothing better than feeling your bub squirm around.

    Over from ICLW :)
    Lyndell - http://gettingitsorted.wordpress.com/

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  9. Wow, I give you credit for the wax. I did them up until ER and now I have read horror stories how the pain is so much worse when pregnant and I am terrified to do it. I have to figure something out though as blindly waving a sharp blade around my girl parts and being on high dose blood thinners is a disaster waiting to happen.

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  10. I totally respect you for going through this torture! I think I'm going to leave it to the last minute before the birth.
    I'm glad you find hope in things like this. Sometimes if we just focus on one good thing, anything, it really helps.

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  11. Love it, love it, love it. :)
    I love the honesty of both halves of existence, because when you come down to it, that's Life every day. Just amped up and focused when it comes to pregnancy after loss. There's always something to worry about, always something to be grateful for. It makes me smile that you found hope in a bikini wax.
    The week before our daughter was born still I got a pedicure and vividly recall sitting there thinking, wouldn't it be horrible to get all primped and ready and have something go horribly wrong? It haunts me now - like I knew but didn't want to.
    On day two of our little one not moving around as much as I think is normal for her, your story pushes me to go get 'er checked out instead of sticking my head in the ground and telling myself I'm being paranoid. My issue was low amniotic fluid at the end, hadn't really thought about the placenta giving out. But as a woman in her low 40s, sure seems like a realistic possibility.
    Thanks for the smile, congratulations on your newly smooth nether regions, and thanks for Being Out There, brave enough to document your story. For as much as it may be therapeutic for you, it's deeply therapeutic for me, too.

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  12. okay I love this...See Ive never had a bikini wax, always way to scared. Ive thought about it because when pregnant and as the tummy grows, swiping blindly at my vagina with a razor blade seemed like a bad idea. :)
    I just let the forest grow and well delt with it after...
    I am so glad she is sooo active! sending love

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  13. Hi! Here from ICLW - I am so amazed that you got a bikini wax while pregnant! I can't even fathom getting one and I am not. :-) Wishing you all the best through the rest of your pregnancy.

    ICLW #22

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  14. Sending positive thoughts your way! Can't help but being touched by your story. Following you from the Monday hop

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  15. I'm your newest follower from the Mom Blog Monday Blog Hop. You're much braver than me, to get a bikini wax while pregnant... I couldn't do it while pregnant. I'm looking forward to reading more from you. My blog is http://peacefulwishing.com

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  16. I'm a new follower from the Mom Blog Monday Blog Hop from http://blog.desiraer.com/.

    It is strange where we can find hope and strength isn't it? Sending you some positiveness in these last few weeks of pregnancy for you.

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  17. You are much braver than I - bikini wax while pregnant? Never crossed my mind. :) Sending lots of warm thoughts that Frostina will enter this world actively and loudly... ;)

    Congrats on being featured on Mom Blog Monday - nice to 'meet' you! ;) I'm your newest follower. :)


    What’s Up? I’m Too Sexy for Black Velvet, so call me: 867-5309 ‘cuz I Want Candy!

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  18. bikini wax is not a permanent form of body hair removal, but a waxing session offers longer term hair removal than shaving.
    brazilian wax uk

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  19. Well, no pain no gain, I guess. Hehe! Hair removal is a part of feminine hygiene, and I think every woman should consider doing it, even if it hurts sometimes. It really is quite irritating to have a lot of hair down there and shaving it yourself might take a lot of time, and you might even hurt yourself. Anyway, I like your baby’s name! It’s so unique and cute. = )


    Justine Cricks

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