Thursday, 12 April 2012

A Letter To My Unborn Daughter

My dear sweet baby girl. Today I am 29 weeks pregnant with you. This is a milestone that is met with both excitement and fear. I feel guilty about the fear and sadness that has followed me through my pregnancy with you. You are a true miracle and a huge blessing. I should be shouting from the rooftops about just how happy your impending arrival has made me.

I am being given a second chance to be a mother to a living baby. You are that second chance, and yet I find myself overcome with the worry that something will happen to you, like it did to your older brother. I don't know if you know this, but you have a brother who is smiling down on you from heaven. We love him and wanted nothing more than to be able to hold him in our arms and take him home with us. Sadly, that was never to be and we can only hold his memory in our hearts.

Your daddy and I weren't sure that we could have another baby, and yet here you are growing inside me. I'm amazed at how much we already love you, even though we haven't even met you properly. I love how you seem to know when I'm worried and give me a kick or two as if to remind me that you're still there and you're still OK. I apologize that we haven't decided on a name for you just yet, but I promise you that we're working on that and will make a decision very soon.

We are already head over heels for you, sweet baby girl. Your daddy even has one of your ultrasound photos in his work planner. I think it's because he has to travel for work and wants to keep you close to him. When I saw that photo it made my heart melt. He loves you so much that we wants to be able to look at your photo while he's away and can't feel you kicking inside me. That's why it's so important that you keep growing. We need for you to be OK. We need for you to be born alive and healthy. Because I'm not sure either of us could survive another loss.

I wish that my pregnancy with you wasn't so filled with fear. A fear that sometimes drowns out the joy. Because you deserve the joy. You deserve to have parents who are excited and happy for your arrival. A happiness that isn't clouded in fear and sadness. Parents who aren't waiting for the other shoe to drop, to be told the worst possible news. You deserve that and so much more.

You deserve a mother who isn't afraid to let her friends throw you a baby shower. You deserve a mother who isn't so scared something will go wrong that she refuses to buy any baby things until after you arrive. You deserve a mother who isn't crying all the time about your brother in heaven who she misses terribly.

I don't ever want you to think that you are somehow second best, or a replacement for him, because you are not. I don't want you to ever feel like you're living in his shadow, because you won't be. But the fact is, that his death forever changed your mom and dad. We are trying our best to separate our feelings about his loss from our feelings of joy for your arrival. It's just that sometimes the lines are too blurred and we just can't manage it.

I can only hope that the day you are born alive and healthy that you can help us to heal. And that we can finally realize the joy that you will be bringing to our lives. You deserve that from us.


  1. I found your blog through the April ICLW. Praying for you and that you continue to have a healthy pregnancy.

  2. This was perfectly put and so accurately captures all the complicated feelings of a pregnancy after loss. Wishing you the very best. Let's get through this third trimester!

  3. Hoping the best for your final months in this pregnancy. Your words convey the deepest of your heart and just exposing this, that maybe one day your baby girl will read this is beautiful. Hugs and well wishes from Oregon,

  4. What a beautiful message to your beautiful girl. I think of you often. I send you prayers, wishes and hopes. Pregnancy after a loss is hard. I felt all of these same feelings. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to without feeling guilty; a friend once told me that showing these kinds of emotions to our kids helps teach them empathy. I know she's still inside, but she can feel your love radiating everywhere!

  5. Just beautiful. "We are already head over heels for you, sweet baby girl" I know how you feel - week 26 today.

  6. Beautiful letter... you are such an amazing mum to both your kids xoxo

  7. Thoughts to you and your baby girl xx

  8. Perfect. :)
    Taming the anxiety around being pregnany after such a loss has been incredibly hard, I know. Just a couple more months momma, and I hope this little girl helps you to heal. I know she will. :)

  9. You put into words so well the feelings of a rainbow pregnancy- the fear mixed with optimism mixed with paranoia mixed with joy.... and then more fear...
    I got pregnant just a few weeks after I lost my twin girls at 24 weeks. I think in many ways I didn't even have time to process everything. I did, looking back, towards the end of the rainbow pregnancy (after my doppler arrived in the mail that I used every day for reassurance) do some things to create positive pregnancy memories to counterbalance all the negative and fearful ones. It was incredibly strengthening. I recently wrote a post about it.

    Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Holding your little girl will give you so much to feel joyous about.

  10. beautiful letter to your little sweetie! I miscarried my first pregnancy and remember being so scared my entire first full term pregnancy. I pray that you will find some peace and that that next trimester will whiz by!
    Following from Mom Blog Monday.

  11. New Follower from Blog Hop. Your letter is beautiful. I wish you a successful pregnancy.

  12. Saying hi again from today's blog hop!

  13. I remember myself writing a letter to my unborn child nineteen years ago. I had the same fear, anxiety, because her dad and I got married because I was pregnant . Though we separated, we remained very good friends because we have seven kids, and three of them have special needs.

    You are a strong woman. You may have lost your first child but trough your posts you had inspired a lot of people by just being real . I pray that optimism will replace fear and anxiety as the Heavens will not give you a second chance if you do not deserve it.

    You and your husband are going to be great parents and that is one thing for sure.

  14. Your little girl will be born exactly the same day as my departed little angel girl. The angels carried her away on the 16th of March at 25 weeks gestation after she could not breath due to her prematurity.

    I wish you the very best. You daughter is special to me too and I pray she brings beutiful joy into your lives by being born and growing healthy