Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Pop Goes My Bubble

I think sometimes I float around in a bubble of denial. I convince myself that I'm happy and I'm doing better.
  • I'm functioning at a pretty high level. 
  • I'm getting out and doing things. 
  • I'm making new friends. 
  • I'm not crying every day. Well maybe that one is a lie but I'm not crying as much. 
  • I'm injecting myself with needles every third day with ease. 
  • I'm somehow managing to juggle regular life with my ongoing frozen embryo cycle. 
  • I'm somehow managing to control my grief and not let the fear of a potential new pregnancy paralyze me. 

It's all going swimmingly until something comes into contact with my bubble. It's very fragile to start with so it doesn't take much.

That's the sound of my bubble bursting. 
That's what happened to me last night.

I went out to an event with my women's club. It was a fun, social event. Everyone was busy chatting about being back in town and getting back into the swing of things. Soon the conversation turned to children. 

I sat listening to people talking about their new play dates and all the new friends they are making through their children. Someone was talking about the holidays and having a lunch and just letting all the kids run around and play. Talking about all the fun things there are to do in London with kids. 

As I sat listening I suddenly felt like they are living on a different planet than I am. Or maybe just a different dimension. Like in those science fiction shows where there are multiple time lines and everyone is existing in a different one. 

I live in the same town as they do. I attend many of the same social gatherings as they do. But somehow I am still left out of a massive part of life. There is a whole part of the world where I have no place. It's the place where parents and their living children are. It's a place where I am completely left out. 

I'm never invited to play dates or children's birthday parties where I can sit and drink wine and gossip while my son plays with the other children. I don't do the school run and chat with the other Moms at the school gates. I am unable to make new friends at my child's school. I don't have big parties where all the kids run around in the back garden. 

Why? Because I don't have a living child. Because I don't fit. Because I have yet to be granted membership into the Mommy and Daddy Club. Sure, I'm a member of the Baby Loss Mom's Club but who wants to join me there?? No one!

All this happy chatter made me realize just how much of life I am missing out on. How much of life I'm excluded from. So in addition to my grief and anxiety for this upcoming cycle, I am now feeling very alone. 

Alone in a crowd. Which is not a very nice place to be.

*Pouring my heart out with Shell over at Things I Can't Say.


  1. Recovering from a loss can be daunting to say the least. Its been 7yrs and I still feel left out. I feel like everyone's world went forward and mine well it just didn't go in the same direction. But then I focus on all the things I have to be grateful for. My loving husband and the wonderful, loving relationship we have. Try to stay positive and know that you too will have a baby one day. You'll be part of that same time. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. Ugh I so get this! Last night I went to a friend's house for a girl's movie night. I only knew the hostess. They ALL have living children and were all talking about the babysitters they had at home watching their kids...I litterally stood outside their circle and listened quietly...I have no need for a babysitter and yet I wanted to be apart of that conversation so badly. It all just sucks doesn't it?!?! No matter how big or little the topic, we miss out on it all!

  3. I am so sorry. I wish I had words that would make this better or help your pain. I'm sending love and prayers.

  4. Ug :( We need to help build you a stronger bubble. If it were only possible... I know how painful it is to be the odd person out in a group of moms. I hope soooo much that this time is your time.

    I know it is no consolation or comfort, but most of those mommy groups are full of mean spirited, competitive bitches (not that your friends are, just my experience). I find it impossible to join in the 'mompetition'. Partly because of IF and how it changes motherhood for me, and partially because I have a child with special needs, I still don't fit in. I hope you get to join the 'parenting after infertility and pregnancy/infant loss' club soon. We need new members :)

  5. I'm so sorry you feel this way.

  6. We kind of do live in a different world.

    Fingers crossed for your upcoming cycle


  7. Loss doesn't just speak to our mourning and missing of a child. It speaks to our losses across the board. I mourn those losses more (I think) because I didn't know Andrew aside from growing his little body within mine. But I did know shopping and planning and schools and friends with playdates. I just don't get to have those. While I miss him more than those opportunities, I wish we all had the who package.

  8. I totally relate to all you said. I feel so left out watching my friends have babies over the last 6 years. This year was the first year I looked around at our 4th of July party and realized that I was the ONLY one who didn't have a child. My baby would have been a few months old at that time and it was such a sad reminder of how I don't fit in with this world. Thinking of you!

  9. You are right.. it is not a nice place to be at all.. and I am so sorry. Things should definitely be different in your live.. in many of our lives. I wish there were simple words to ease the ache, but I know better. I offer my hope and support to you as you continue on a very rugged path. Sending you love and light tonight..

  10. I hear's me and awkward silence when I try and talk about our losses or even just how much I want to have a child. I'm sorry that you are going through this

  11. Some moments and days are difficult when on this journey of loss.

    I remember after Savannah died going to a mom's group and listening to these naive mothers yap and whine about their alive healthy took all that I had not to scream at them to appreciate what they have! I also avoided these places for a long still hurts sometimes.

    You wouldnt be normal if you didnt feel this way...I hope you have a friend that will listen to your thoughts when you feel this way...I did and I think it was one of my survival tools...she was and still is! :)

    I also think you are incredibly brave to put yourself out there amongst the 'normal' people.

    Sending you a hug in this message. Keep taking baby steps and be gentle on yourself...I'll keep you in my thoughts,
    Diana x

  12. Just found you via Blow Your Blog Horn.I hope things change for you.Virtual hugs x

  13. I can only imagine how you feel. I hope you have success with the IVF. It won't remove the grief, but it will bring some joy into your life again. Thanks for Rewinding x