I knew it wasn't going to be an easy thing to do, so I had the hubby come with me. I was in full denial/distraction mode. I was just going to walk into the shop and buy a balloon.
That's all.
Simple.
I take a deep breath and walk up to the counter. "I need to get a helium balloon for a little boy's birthday." The woman asks me his age and then pulls out a stack of them, all with different designs and characters on them. I am completely overwhelmed, it never occurred to me that there would be so much choice. I tell myself to focus and remind myself to breathe.
"What does he like?" This is the question the woman asks me, noticing my hesitation.
My heart breaks with a smash, and a crash, and a thud. I feel like someone is wringing my insides with their hands. My mouth goes dry and my eyes fill with tears.
"I don't know," I tell her.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what kind of balloon he would like because he is dead and he can't tell me. So I have to guess. No one should ever have to guess what kind of balloon her son would like.
"This one will be fine," I tell her.
Hand in hand, the hubby and I walk out of the store holding our balloon and trying not to cry on the walk home.
*Pouring my heart out with Shell at Things I Can't Say
Oh many many hugs. Of course, no one should have to answer a question like that. How would you know what would he like when he is not there to pick one for himself?
ReplyDeleteSometimes, we get pushed into a corner where even the normal questions make us want to burst crying.
I hope you saved the pics I shared on twitpic.
Please take care.
This is so poignant, I really feel for you. It just shouldn't be like this, should it?
ReplyDeleteWhen I've bought balloons over the years for Juliette's birthday, I have to fight past offered comments like, "Someone's celebrating!!" and "I guess pink is her favourite colour, then?!" So many times I've cried as they've pumped in the helium, but I do love to watch those balloons fly heavenwards.
Lovely picture.
Great big hug!
ReplyDeleteIt's SO wrong!
Maria
xxxxx
That was heartbreaking to read, and yet so beautifully written. My heart aches for you. Sending you as much love as I have to give!
ReplyDeletexoxo
No one should have to go through that :( Your boy would love whatever balloon you picked, just because it's a balloon and it came from you. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIt was so hard, doing that. I remember. But watch them fly, that was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteMuch love.
A balloon into the sky, heading up to Heaven and a little boy watching you with love and glee and delight at this gift and the love you sent his way ...
ReplyDeleteHugs to you all xxx
It is so hard knowing so little about their short but precious lives. I am thinking of you..
ReplyDeleteWe chose a blue star balloon for your son.. and then DH opened the trunk without realizing it and away it flew.. before I could snap a picture. But somewhere out there a blue foil star flew high for your voyager. Sending love...
Completely relate to this. I had the same situation on Orson's birthday. I took my partner too. The whole time I just wanted to cry. And so much choice. I wanted the perfect balloon but there is no perfect balloon for the anniversary of your son's death. In the end my partner picked because I just couldn't.
ReplyDeleteFor this weekend I went to pick out pink balloons, it's not even her birthday, but this was still a special day. There were 3 pink colors to choose from...I couldn't pick so I got them all. It MUST be perfect when it comes to our babies, no?
ReplyDeleteI totally get this, its the little things, the ones that we did not plan for that totally get us. I am thinking of you and your son today.
ReplyDeleteGRR - I just lost this comment. Basically for us, Blue is for Bob; Pink is for Samantha; Yellow is for Thomas. Think that people living near crematoriums must get fed up of people releasing balloons but it is an important act for parents to send a message to their angel babies.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't think of any words that sounded appropriate, so just wanted you to know that people are thinking of you, and your beautiful son. xxx
ReplyDeleteI had the same experience buying a balloon for Abigail this year. I was fine right up until the moment i got to the counter to pay and then the realisation that there was no excited child to take it from me hit home.
ReplyDeleteAt Reuben's christening this year the room was filled with blue balloons with the exception of one pink one. Those that knew didn't ask, those that didn't know did ask. Either way Abigail was remembered.
Painfully beautiful post. <3 much much love to you.
ReplyDeleteDropping by from PYHO this morning. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I cannot say that I've ever experienced a similar situation, but reading this, I see a different side. One where being helpful can sometimes inadvertently cause another pain. Again, my thoughts are with you...
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this. You are so strong and amazing. And I am sure he would have loved the balloon.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say after reading this. I can't even imagine what it's like for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your little boy absolutely loved the balloon you picked..
Thanks for sharing something so special.
' No one should ever have to guess what kind of balloon her son would like.'
ReplyDeleteAm with you. No one should ever be in a place like us.
Sending thoughts and prayers to all of you. You're right, no one should have to guess.
ReplyDeleteOh girl, how painful. Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteOh my! Hugs hugs hugs, I know just how that feels. x
ReplyDeleteI'm just so so sorry. : (
ReplyDeleteOh honey. My heart is breaking for you. Thank you so much for linking up and pouring your heart out today. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words to describe how sorry I am that you have to deal with this pain and loss. It isn't fair and I wish I could reach through this blog and give you a big hug (although you would likely get soggy from my tears).
ReplyDeleteIt is situations like this that hurt more than the big drawn out official anniversaries. Something about the way they sneak up on you.
ReplyDeleteI am crying at work now. That's what I get for reading infertility blogs while at work. You are so strong and amazing. What a beautiful way to remember your boy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you had to go through this... and thinking of you over this difficult time. You are a brave person and I'm sure that he will love it. We always talk about the balloons that we've released for Gabrielle being with her up above. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDelete