It's a lovely day outside and I have absolutely nothing planned. This warm weather will only be here for a limited time before the country is snapped back into a cold grey winter. Yet I seem to have no motivation to get off the couch and do something. Instead I am wrestling with the sad.
This happens to me from time to time. The sad creeps in and tries to grab a hold of me. It extends it's warm arms and reaches out for me. "Stay here for a while. Let me hold you. There is no need to do anything but just lay here today," it tells me. It coaxes me with it's embrace. It wants to lay with me in silence and in tears. It wants to take me over.
So I fight it and wrestle with it and try not to allow it to win. I make plans with people and do my best to laugh and joke and have a good time. Keeping busy is a good strategy for wrestling with the sad. But it's a sly bugger and it lays in wait. It waits for days like this when I didn't make plans. It waits for a quiet moment to begin it's seduction once more.
"Lay with me, cry for a bit, hide under the covers and don't come out. Stay in your pj's for the day, eat a few snacks, and watch some TV. Before you know it, this day will be over and you can try again tomorrow to be a part of the outside world. But for today just stay with me."
I am trying very hard to fight the sad today. I know that I need to get up and out and spend some time in the sunshine. I just haven't figured out how,,,,,,, yet.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
The sadness does creep in and settle itself on our "couch". Somedays I am angry to have the sadness visit, other days I welcome it and ask it to stay. I've known the sadness for a year now(next week). It knowing well and feel more comfortable with it sometimes than I do with any other feelings. When I am having a good and all of a sudden my mood changes, my husband will ask, what's wrong? What happened?" and I say, "the sadness snuck in". Usually the sadness stays awhile, I don't ask itto leave. Although sometimes I ask it not to go. It's incredibly validating to hear you write about this. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteSome days you just have to let the sad take over to get ig out and hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow. :( Looking forward for your next transfer and hoping fir great news!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up. I'll pray for your sad day. I'm still praying for your arms to be full. Love from us to you.
ReplyDeleteAh, you poor old thing. You'll get there. Sometimes you need to snuggle with the sad a few days and then you'll feel ready to get up and embrace the light again. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteI hope you win the wrestling match this go round. Let the sad come back another day. The good thing is that every time you wrestle the sad you knock off a piece of it, until it becomes smaller and weaker and easier to push around. Keep fighting the good fight. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry but completely understand. Grief is not linear, good days and bad days all mixed together. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletethinking of you and sending you warm thoughts, so that that even if you don´t get to go outside today, when you do- you know that there´s warmth around you.. coming from someone you don´t even know. The word is so cruel at times, but then again, there´s beauty too..I hope you are able too see it again.. hugs from norway
ReplyDeleteI just read something that resonated with me, and days like that: "When you're weary, find relief, when you're strong, find delight."
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to keep this in mind on the bad days, and the good ones.
At least the good weather is set to last all weekend.
ReplyDeleteI hope you will wake up in the morning and the sadness will have gone back into hiding so you can enjoy the sun before it too has gone into hiding.
xx
Oh, how I long for some sun. It has been so dark and dreary here. I hope you were able to get out and enjoy the sun.
ReplyDeleteSadness is a fucker. Only you know how many days you can spend with it where it allows you to come out ahead. I wont say you can always skip it, but keep an eye on the balance.
ReplyDeleteSadness is a sly bugger, very true.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the sadness has been gone a while and when it creeps back in I'm kinda glad for it. As long as it doesn't linger and drag me from sadness into despair. Grief to me has become woven into my finger-print. But my heart has grown strong enough to deal with it - I think that's what they actually mean by 'Time heals.' Hugs. Shah X
ReplyDeleteSo true... you describe these days so well. Sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming that it really does feel like an embrace. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteSadness slips in sometimes and really blindsides us.. thinking of you girl...
ReplyDelete