Friday, 16 September 2011

The Elephant In The Room

It's so nice when all my friends come back from their summer holidays. Life as an expat reminds me very much of my college/university days in that respect. Some people go back home for the summer and others stay around but travel quite a bit. So it's hard to connect with people because you never know who's in town. But once September rolls around everyone comes back and it's time to reconnect.

It's a bit strange to see everyone again.
  • To see who got a great summer tan. 
  • To see who got a new haircut. 
  • To see all the cute new clothes someone bought back in the US. 
  • To see who is now pregnant. Ugh!

New pregnancies are super exciting, but for me this type of conversation is soooooo painful. I smile and nod and ask all the right questions, but inside I just wish we could change the subject.

It's harder because I haven't told many people that we are trying for another baby. Only a handful of people know and I'd rather keep it that way for now. So this makes these conversations even harder for me because when people ask what I'm up to I have to partially lie and say not much. If only they knew. But I don't want them to know and so I feel like I'm hiding something. I hate feeling like that.

It's a bit easier for me to hide our efforts because NO ONE asks. Don't get me wrong, they want to know. I know this because my close friends tell me that they get asked all the time if I'm going to try again. I'm actually surprised sometimes to learn who is making these enquiries. It's not always the people I would expect.

But no one would dare ask me.
 Because I'm the woman whose baby died.
And you don't dare ask her things like that because you may make her cry. 
So at least I don't have to lie directly.

But it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes.
  • Because I can see the question in their eyes. 
  • It's on the tip of their tongues. 
  • If only they had the nerve to ask it. 
  • If only they could figure out a way to make the question seem casual. 
  • If only they could bring up something that would make me start talking about it.
  • But they don't. 
  • They never do. 

    Instead I see them struggling to find something else to talk to me about. When all the while they are just hoping that I bring it up. It's the big elephant in the room. And since I'm not talking about it, they aren't either.

    I hate that feeling.


    1. The most amazing thing about your writing is that you tell TRUTHS that no one ever wants to talk about.I can picture this in my mind. As I was typing a co-worker just said the "R" word... And everything stopped. My elephant.

    2. I feel this way about infertility, the awkward silences... I can't imagine how much worse it is after losing a child, my heart is with you this month as your friends return and your next cycle starts up!

    3. Following you from the Friday Hop. Would love if you would follow back!
      Sorry to hear about your loss.

    4. No one else can understand your pain, but I hope you have connected with others who have experienced the same loss as you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

    5. It's so hard to explain all of this.. if and when you are ready to talk about it with them I hope they will give nothing but support and love...

    6. It seems to be the very first thing people ask me at every conversation. Sometimes I don't mind, but it really depends on the way it is asked.

      It does kind of make me laugh that our friends are the ones that get asked the most though...I guess better them then us!

    7. I totally get you and sympathize %100 and I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and for your pain. It is so terribly hard to lose your child then sit back as everyone else experiences everything you know your missing because your child is no longer living. **hugs**

    8. I know exactly how you feel... I always find it fascinating to hear that others have asked my husband or close friends but not me... why can't people just be honest with us ? It makes the loss more painful... not easier. xoxo

    9. I was at a run this morning and someone introduced me to some of his friends. He said that I'd run the length of the tube lines. "Why would you do a thing like that?" - the new people exclaimed. I said "my wife and I lost a baby earlier in the year". They were visibly taken a-back by it but I wasn't intending to shock them - that's just the way it is. Honesty is the best policy.

    10. Sending lots of love. <3

    11. I hate when I catch them glancing at my belly, wondering if I am pregnant again yet..

    12. I don't know what to say in these situations. Will talking about it make it worse? Better? How do I show I care? I struggle with how to show my support.