The Elephant In The Room

It's so nice when all my friends come back from their summer holidays. Life as an expat reminds me very much of my college/university days in that respect. Some people go back home for the summer and others stay around but travel quite a bit. So it's hard to connect with people because you never know who's in town. But once September rolls around everyone comes back and it's time to reconnect.

It's a bit strange to see everyone again.

• To see who got a great summer tan. 
• To see who got a new haircut. 
• To see all the cute new clothes someone bought back in the US. 
• To see who is now pregnant. Ugh!

New pregnancies are super exciting, but for me this type of conversation is soooooo painful. I smile and nod and ask all the right questions, but inside I just wish we could change the subject.

It's harder because I haven't told many people that we are trying for another baby. Only a handful of people know and I'd rather keep it that way for now. So this makes these conversations even harder for me because when people ask what I'm up to I have to partially lie and say not much. If only they knew. But I don't want them to know and so I feel like I'm hiding something. I hate feeling like that.

It's a bit easier for me to hide our efforts because NO ONE asks. Don't get me wrong, they want to know. I know this because my close friends tell me that they get asked all the time if I'm going to try again. I'm actually surprised sometimes to learn who is making these enquiries. It's not always the people I would expect.

But no one would dare ask me.

 Because I'm the woman whose baby died.

And you don't dare ask her things like that because you may make her cry. 

 
So at least I don't have to lie directly.

But it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes.

• Because I can see the question in their eyes. 
• It's on the tip of their tongues. 
• If only they had the nerve to ask it. 
• If only they could figure out a way to make the question seem casual. 
• If only they could bring up something that would make me start talking about it.
• But they don't. 
• They never do. 

Instead I see them struggling to find something else to talk to me about. When all the while they are just hoping that I bring it up. It's the big elephant in the room. And since I'm not talking about it, they aren't either.

I hate that feeling.