We have finally moved into our new place. It is bigger and nicer than our old one. I am crazy busy unpacking and organizing things. Trying to make this place feel like home. I know in time I will be successful and it will feel as comfortable and cozy as our last place.
Except for one thing. It's not his house.
We left his house and have moved on to one where he never was.
Where he never existed.
A fresh start? Or something else?
I feel like we have somehow left a part of him behind. My beautiful son, who we never got to take home from the hospital. He only existed in that home, not in this one.
Even though he never got to see it with his own eyes, or smell it, or crawl on the floor. He was there with us. He was alive there. It's the only place he ever had the chance to be alive.
Hearing our voices there from within my womb, living our lives, planning for him to be a part of our family. That house had hope and dreams and possibilities. All of which came crashing down on that horrible day last August when we found out that he was gone. That night when we had to come back to that home and pack for the hospital,,,, for his birth.
That place where we cried so many tears over his loss.
That place that felt so empty when we came home without him.
That place was the only place he ever was.
And we've left it.
Does that mean we've left him behind as well?
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Of course not. You take him with you, everywhere, in your hearts and souls.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean though, that you have to pick up and start anew, without him there because he can't be in your future house... It's okay to hate that. I hate that for you.
I think about that all the time, especially if I plant a garden and tree for him. How could I ever leave that. We haven't moved since Liam passed but I know we will one day since our house isn't very big for when we have more kids.
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog, so first let me say that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't fathom the emotions that you are dealing with so rather than try to come up with the right words, I will simply offer you my support, hugs, and prayers for today and always.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to following your journey with finding your new normal.
It's hard to admit that when I shoot down the husband's plans at buying a house it is for similar reasons. I hate that place, yet I don't want to leave him behind. Much love to you and may you find peace in your new home~
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you are saying, I too cling onto the things, places and reminders of when Ava was alive. It helps me to connect with her. I do believe however that we will carry our children in our hearts forever no matter where we go. Sending you much gentleness. Ax
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo rough, Just like everything else we have to deal with.
ReplyDeleteHe will always be with you.....he is a part of you. Where ever you go he goes. I love this quote:
"I carry your heart in my heart"
He is always with his mama ♥
xoxo
Of course that doesn't mean you left him. what means is that you still care, which is more than understandable, if you ask me. He wasn't part of the house, he was a part of your family, where ever you move he will stay with you. Just as you wrote this blog post. The memory of your son won't fade, Natasha gave a brilliant quote for the current situation.
ReplyDeleteman and van London
No, it means that you have left JUST a house for another. I'm moving too, in a month. We bought a small flat and I'm glad to have a new place and a fresh start. My son comes with me, whenever I'll go in my life.
ReplyDeleteNew follower here. :::big hugs::: I'm so sorry for your loss. He exists in your hearts...that is where he is safest. That is his permanent home. May time bring you peace and renewed hope...
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling. My parents moved not too long after my brother (17) passed away. Even though they were/are in Cali and I'm in Texas, it was hard the first time going to visit them in their new place b/c it held no memories of my brother. It's tough to swallow and you learn how to hold on for the moment to grieve and then let it go.
ReplyDeleteHe will always be in your heart and in your memories. He will never be left behind no matter where you go.
ReplyDeleteHow hard to move on like that. But, you know the memory will always be with you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI carry you in my heart, where I am you are. He will be with you forevermore.
ReplyDeleteHoller if you need a hand.
Cx
This is such a beautiful post. Just found you through Adventures in Mommyhood and would love to come along on your journey. Big hug to you today.
ReplyDeleteIt's so understandable that the move would be difficult.
ReplyDeleteBut, he's with you now.
You haven't left him.
xo
You haven't left him because you carry him in your heart, your mind. I hope you find comfort in that.
ReplyDeleteThis must have been so incredibly difficult for you. I can totally see why you might feel as though you've left a piece of him behind ... but everyone is right, you carry him in your heart and that is a place he will always, always be.
ReplyDeleteI read this post yesterday and I did not comment. I thought about this post and your story frequently yesterday. I have no words for you. I have no advice. I have no personal experience that weighs close to the weight of your loss. I only know that time takes away the sting (doesn't help you forget or make it completely go away). Moving forward is healthy and it does not mean you are forgetting! {Hug} and wishes for all the strength you need in your journey. -Laverne visiting (late) from Sunday Funday
ReplyDeleteLittle phases close, bit by bit. Each one hurts but leaves some healing in its place - eventually.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find it quickly. Little man is always in our hearts.
Your little angel will ALWAYS be watching over you, no matter where you move.
ReplyDelete