It's been over 9 months since my son died and not once have I ever dreamed about him. Last night all that changed, I finally had a dream about my baby boy.
In the dream I was home with my Mother. We were talking about something and then suddenly I noticed something behind her. It was my beautiful perfect son,,,, alive. He was sleeping and had these amazing long eyelashes (like I have).
I couldn't believe it.
"He's alive Mom, he's not dead," I said to her. I couldn't stop gazing at him, looking all healthy and alive. He had a pinky glow to him. The kind of coloring that living babies have (which is much different than the coloring that dead babies have). I was joyful and this huge wave of relief spread over me. He wasn't dead after all. He was alive. And this whole terrible tragedy had just been a terrible dream. He was alive.
I wanted to reach out and touch him. But then I shifted from one dream to another. In this one I remembered that he was really dead.
I had seen his lifeless body.
I had picked up his ashes from the crematorium.
I had read his post mortem report.
Surely all these things wouldn't have been possible if he was alive.
So I crashed back to reality, while I was still dreaming.
I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. Happy for a glimpse of him I suppose, but sad that the only time I will ever see my son alive is in my dreams.
He's dead, and I don't want him to be dead. I want him to be here with me. I miss him so much.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Ouch, those dreams are hard. sending you some love this morning. x
ReplyDeleteoh gee, that's desperately hard. I wish for you that the dream was a sign of hope and for good things to come. xx
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog over at FlogYoBlog.
ReplyDeleteI am SO sorry for your loss. Like the commenter above me, I too hope your dream is a sign of happier times ahead Xx
I too am a FYBF visitor. I can't even imagine what this is like for you. Hope things get better. Praying for you xxx
ReplyDeleteI too never dreamt about my son but few days ago there was a dream with a live baby. There was some confusion as to whether it was my same son or my next baby . It wasnt clear in my dream.
ReplyDeleteAm hoping that dream is a signal of a future , where I will have a living baby. And my son who is not with me now, will still somehow continue to stay with me.
I wish your ivf works well and you have your sweet baby.
I haven't had a dream yet. I dremed about Oprah last night. Would've preferred a ababy dream! Glad you got a glimpse!
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry he is not here with you but I'm so glad you got to see him in your dreams.....if only for a moment.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as always....
xoxo
In 6 months I have only had one dream and Addison wasn't living in it...what kind of "dream" is that?!? I am still waiting for my glimpse. Glad you got yours if only for a moment.
ReplyDeletei wish things were different for you, also.
ReplyDelete<3
I still have yet to dream about my daughter. Even though I want to so desperately. Maybe I have but don't remember them. I do have dreams of my other family members dying all the time. Grief can be so hard.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to have a dream about my son. In all of my dreams I am am a mom who lost her son.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it is hard to come back to reality, I choose to believe that was your son saying hello from whereever he is now.
Like you said, it is painful, but also nice to have a glimpse of him alive and and healthy (even if only in dreams).
Glad you got to see your baby in your dreams! I would love that, instead I have only had bad dreams about losing him:(
ReplyDeleteMy heart just broke all over again for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry . . . I recently lost a child in January. I still have dreams that she is alive, and she is with me. I am happy that you are sharing your story- I think that it helps all of us who are grieving. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteCamille @
SixSistersStuff.blogspot.com
PS I am your newest follower and would love to have you follow me back if you would like.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish hope and comfort for you and your husband. (((Hugs))
ReplyDeletecome by say hello, i'm your newest follower too
http://www.bragallaboutit.com/
Sometimes I find myself trying to search for him in my dreams... I want so much to see and feel him. These days I often feel that my dream world is often my 'happy place'. It is where I 'forget' that my youngest child died, and thus life there is very different. Then I wake and come slushing back to reality...
ReplyDeleteWhat a beyond-awful night. I can't imagine the grief. Thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteHow bitter sweet to dream of him x
ReplyDeleteHello, I found you via the Blog Hop. Wow, what a dream, heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. I was just looking at some Van Gogh paintings online, sorry for the digression, I love the flowers image on your blog. Good luck with your new normal xx
ReplyDeleteSometimes waking up is the worst fucking thing you do all day long.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it got better. I have no choice to hope for the same for you.
What a beautiful, heartwrenching post. I'm glad you had a glimpse of your precious son, and wish the same for the other commenters awaiting theirs. Your putting a face on grief despite the difficulty, helps others connect with you, and I for one appreciate it. Thank you for what had to be a tough post to write, and even tougher dream to experience.
ReplyDeletelinda@adventuresinexpatland.com
I had a dream familiar to this aswell lastnight.
ReplyDeleteTwo months ago 22 october 2011 i lost my son at 22weeks pregnant.
Lastnight i had a dream that he was alive in his moses basket we brung him home in. he was still small but had grown a bit, my mum also was in my dream and i quickly told her to look that he was alive, breathing, sleeping. i woke up and was trying to look around for him, it felt so real because i definitly knew we didnt bury him but soon realised it wasnt true when i saw his little teddy bear urn where we keep his ashes. im only 16 but no matter what age you are, loosing a child is the worst thing you could ever go through. Sorry for your loss X