Friday, 10 June 2011

A Dream, If Only For A Fleeting Moment

It's been over 9 months since my son died and not once have I ever dreamed about him. Last night all that changed, I finally had a dream about my baby boy.

In the dream I was home with my Mother. We were talking about something and then suddenly I noticed something behind her. It was my beautiful perfect son,,,, alive. He was sleeping and had these amazing long eyelashes (like I have).

I couldn't believe it.

"He's alive Mom, he's not dead," I said to her. I couldn't stop gazing at him, looking all healthy and alive. He had a pinky glow to him. The kind of coloring that living babies have (which is much different than the coloring that dead babies have). I was joyful and this huge wave of relief spread over me. He wasn't dead after all. He was alive. And this whole terrible tragedy had just been a terrible dream. He was alive.

I wanted to reach out and touch him. But then I shifted from one dream to another. In this one I remembered that he was really dead.

I had seen his lifeless body.
I had picked up his ashes from the crematorium.
I had read his post mortem report.

Surely all these things wouldn't have been possible if he was alive.

So I crashed back to reality, while I was still dreaming.

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. Happy for a glimpse of him I suppose, but sad that the only time I will ever see my son alive is in my dreams.

He's dead, and I don't want him to be dead. I want him to be here with me. I miss him so much.

22 comments:

  1. Ouch, those dreams are hard. sending you some love this morning. x

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  2. oh gee, that's desperately hard. I wish for you that the dream was a sign of hope and for good things to come. xx

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  3. I came across your blog over at FlogYoBlog.
    I am SO sorry for your loss. Like the commenter above me, I too hope your dream is a sign of happier times ahead Xx

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  4. I too am a FYBF visitor. I can't even imagine what this is like for you. Hope things get better. Praying for you xxx

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  5. I too never dreamt about my son but few days ago there was a dream with a live baby. There was some confusion as to whether it was my same son or my next baby . It wasnt clear in my dream.
    Am hoping that dream is a signal of a future , where I will have a living baby. And my son who is not with me now, will still somehow continue to stay with me.
    I wish your ivf works well and you have your sweet baby.

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  6. I haven't had a dream yet. I dremed about Oprah last night. Would've preferred a ababy dream! Glad you got a glimpse!

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  7. So very sorry he is not here with you but I'm so glad you got to see him in your dreams.....if only for a moment.

    Praying for you as always....
    xoxo

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  8. In 6 months I have only had one dream and Addison wasn't living in it...what kind of "dream" is that?!? I am still waiting for my glimpse. Glad you got yours if only for a moment.

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  9. i wish things were different for you, also.

    <3

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  10. I still have yet to dream about my daughter. Even though I want to so desperately. Maybe I have but don't remember them. I do have dreams of my other family members dying all the time. Grief can be so hard.

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  11. I have yet to have a dream about my son. In all of my dreams I am am a mom who lost her son.

    Although it is hard to come back to reality, I choose to believe that was your son saying hello from whereever he is now.

    Like you said, it is painful, but also nice to have a glimpse of him alive and and healthy (even if only in dreams).

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  12. Glad you got to see your baby in your dreams! I would love that, instead I have only had bad dreams about losing him:(

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  13. My heart just broke all over again for you.

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  14. I am so sorry . . . I recently lost a child in January. I still have dreams that she is alive, and she is with me. I am happy that you are sharing your story- I think that it helps all of us who are grieving. I wish you all the best.
    Camille @
    SixSistersStuff.blogspot.com
    PS I am your newest follower and would love to have you follow me back if you would like.

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish hope and comfort for you and your husband. (((Hugs))

    come by say hello, i'm your newest follower too
    http://www.bragallaboutit.com/

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  16. Sometimes I find myself trying to search for him in my dreams... I want so much to see and feel him. These days I often feel that my dream world is often my 'happy place'. It is where I 'forget' that my youngest child died, and thus life there is very different. Then I wake and come slushing back to reality...

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  17. What a beyond-awful night. I can't imagine the grief. Thinking of you xx

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  18. Hello, I found you via the Blog Hop. Wow, what a dream, heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. I was just looking at some Van Gogh paintings online, sorry for the digression, I love the flowers image on your blog. Good luck with your new normal xx

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  19. Sometimes waking up is the worst fucking thing you do all day long.

    For me, it got better. I have no choice to hope for the same for you.

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  20. What a beautiful, heartwrenching post. I'm glad you had a glimpse of your precious son, and wish the same for the other commenters awaiting theirs. Your putting a face on grief despite the difficulty, helps others connect with you, and I for one appreciate it. Thank you for what had to be a tough post to write, and even tougher dream to experience.
    linda@adventuresinexpatland.com

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  21. I had a dream familiar to this aswell lastnight.

    Two months ago 22 october 2011 i lost my son at 22weeks pregnant.
    Lastnight i had a dream that he was alive in his moses basket we brung him home in. he was still small but had grown a bit, my mum also was in my dream and i quickly told her to look that he was alive, breathing, sleeping. i woke up and was trying to look around for him, it felt so real because i definitly knew we didnt bury him but soon realised it wasnt true when i saw his little teddy bear urn where we keep his ashes. im only 16 but no matter what age you are, loosing a child is the worst thing you could ever go through. Sorry for your loss X

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