An Amazing Letter From My Mother

We're getting ready to start our donor egg IVF cycle and I was talking with my parents about it over the weekend. They are hugely supportive of what we are doing because they know exactly what we are going through. You see, when I was 2 years old my Mother had a stillborn son. The cause was doctor error,, they pierced the umbilical cord during an amnio in the 8th month. She had no idea anything was wrong until the next appointment when they found no heartbeat. This was back in the 1970's when people weren't nearly as sensitive to these things. They told her to go home and wait for labor, which took almost two weeks to happen. In the meantime she had 2 year-old me to chase around and there was no hiding the bump. After my brother was born, they whisked him away and a priest came to visit and told her she was young and could have more babies. They never named him and don't know where exactly he is buried.

I am telling you this to give you some context to the amazing email that she wrote me after our conversation. In this amazing letter she is writing to me not just as my Mother, but as a fellow BLM. She doesn't know I blog so I'm sure she won't mind that I share it with all of you. I will post this as she sent it, except for a few minor edits to remove some names.

I found it very inspiring to hear the words of a fellow BLM who is over 30 years into her journey. She has amazing perspective and I hope her words can help comfort you as much as they comforted me.

Dearest  "My New Normal",

Today when we were talking, I realized the enormity of all you have been through. You have been through shock, loss, pain, grief, depression, and finally hope. You have also felt the love and support of your husband, family, friends, and fellow sisters who have lost their babies! Each of us has tried to give you our words, shoulders and most of all our healing love! You've found the words and poems that describe your own grief and feelings. 

I too sought the same things. The sharing of sadness, learning that what we think and feel is universal, creates a comforting connection between us and other women, and helps to validate what we personally think and feel. To heal it is absolutely necessary to understand exactly what we have been through, as we try to measure our progress toward recovery. 

I learned that I was forever changed, but also learned that while I had deep pain, I also had a strength I had not known I possessed. Like I've heard you say, I would never wish this upon anyone, but I do believe that the only way we get through such crushing loss, is with the nearness, and caring of our loved ones, and all who helped us were placed in our lives by God. People who were there when we needed them, said the words we needed to hear, were put there by God. Our friends are the hands of God here on earth.

I think I pondered the same things you have, and so for 2 years I waited for the magical moment when I'd feel completely healed and ready to try again. Then I realized that the next step would not be as I expected. I saw that I needed to go forward, and that it would take a "leap of faith", and I was not sure I could be brave enough. So your dad and I just decided to look ahead, think positively  and trust in the ultimate compassion of God.

You know that goodness surrounds you, and if you look in the right places and continue to reach out for the "healing touch" you will find the comfort that will give you hope and joy . What I want most for you, is to shift your total focus toward the future. Allow yourself to wish, hope, and pray for everything that you two want. I read a phrase that said, “I will have my angels encamped around you because I want to protect you”. Dad and I will begin again to pray nightly for you and "the hubby" to be blessed with a "gift from God".

We love you and are with you!

Mom and Dad