2010 started off so well. I had just found out I was pregnant after 7 years of trying. I was turning 40 and we were having a huge party to celebrate. I was having a great pregnancy. The CVS showed that our baby would not have Cystic Fibrosis (this was a worry since hubby and I are both carriers) and was genetically perfect. We found out we were having a boy (huge jumps for joy on the part of my husband). We were surrounded by a fabulous group of friends which is greatly appreciated since we live in a different country from our family. We went on some great vacations to places like Madrid, Dubai, and Lisbon.
Life was pretty good, in fact I remember thinking that 2010 would be the best year ever.
Then it all went wrong. I went in for my 36 week scan to find out that our son had no heartbeat. We had to break this news to our family and friends. I gave birth to my son but would never get to hear him cry or see him smile. We grieved. We had to deal with the business of the death of our infant son. I had to go to the registrars office to register his birth. I brought home his death certificate. We grieved. We had him cremated and had to pick up his ashes from the crematorium. We had his ashes blessed, and then we scattered them in a very beautiful place. Some of our family members were supportive, and some were not. We got the post mortem results. We grieved some more. We decided to celebrate Christmas and we survived.
We are still surrounded by a fabulous group of friends and to them I am eternally grateful. Our family is in the US and without our friends being here to support us I'm not sure we would have made it.
What started off as possibly the best year ever, turned into the worst year of my life. I've been through some things before, but nothing like this. Nothing ever prepares you for what it is like to lose a child. I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster that I can't get off. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that I hope to never have to experience again. It's exhausting.
Now that 2010 is coming to and end I am relieved. It has been a rough year and looking back I'm not sure how I survived it. I can only hope that things get better in 2011. So goodbye 2010,,, I am glad to see you go.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how painful that must have been for you both. I admire you for writing about it. I'm sure your pain can help others in who are going through the same type of loss.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I also hope that others can be helped from my experience, but mostly I write to try and heal myself.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for your loss. I have been moved to tears several times as I read your story from the beginning. All of my hugs and good thoughts are being sent your way.
ReplyDeleteI do pray the writing process about your grief will be therapeutic. Although I imagine the emotional pain will never go away, perhaps by sharing your experiences, it will bring you some tiny shred of comfort.