A couple of days ago I went to this great holiday lunch and had a very uncomfortable encounter. I wrote about it here and had promised to tell what happened next. Little did I know at the time, but there would be even more to tell as the week went on.
After the woman (I'll call her Friend B) who had asked me how my little one was had finished listening to the explanation of where in fact my little one was by my other friend (I'll call her Friend A), she made some awkward excuses and quickly shuffled off back to her table. I saw her whispering to the woman sitting next to her and them both shaking their heads while at the same time trying to look like they weren't talking about me. You've all seen that not-so-subtle lean and whisper thing that people do which in actual fact draws more attention than just talking normally.
Had anyone else noticed this exchange? As I fearfully glanced around my table it was clear that no one had. Relief! I did my best to fight back the tears that were slowly finding their way into my eyes. Friend A, being the absolute star that she is, helped a lot in this endeavor. I surprised myself with my ability to recover quickly and soon I was chatting, drinking, and enjoying myself again. In a way I felt bad for Friend B more than I felt bad for myself.
I suppose I need to get used to dealing with situations like this don't I?
I had been thinking about sending an email to Friend B after our lunch on Wednesday. I wasn't sure what to say, but I just wanted to make sure things wouldn't be weird between us going forward. I decided to wait a few days to give me time to come up with just the right words.
But the email would not be necessary because of course I run into Friend B the very next day in town. Amazing coincidence or maybe the universe pushing us together??? Who knows! But this person who I haven't seen since June I have now seen two days in a row. We are both in the same tiny shop which is beginning to feel even smaller.
I instantly feel my face flush and that anxious feeling bubbling in my stomach. "Just breathe and smile," I tell myself. She's with her daughter and a few other friends also with their children as it's school run time. We exchange greetings and then she is distracted by her daughter. We're all in this shop for a bit, each doing our own thing in that weird -I'm not looking at you, but really I'm looking at you- way.
As I'm making my way out, she comes over to me and gives me a big hug. The kind of hug that makes you feel all happy and warm inside. All the anxiety I'm feeling melts away. She is so sorry about our awkward exchange from the other day. She is even more sad that I have lost my son. We chat a bit about how it happened and how I am doing now. The air in the shop becomes lighter and both us are able to breathe easier. The awkwardness is gone.
I am so glad I was able to see her and talk in person. Talking in person is so much better than talking over email.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
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