Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven

I can't believe it's been 5 years since we said hello and good bye to our beautiful little boy.

So much has changed since then. We have a new house and two beautiful living little girls. To look at us now you might never see all that we have been through. We have become one of those families who look just like any other family.

But of course we're not.

Five years on is much easier than one year on. At five years the edges of the pain have softened quite a bit. There are definitely still some hard days and sad moments, but they are fewer and farther in between.

It's fair to say that we have survived our tragedy. It's also fair to say that our marriage has survived our tragedy. Not all marriages survive the loss of a child so for that I am grateful.

For all of you out there who are still in the trenches. For all of you who are still in the fog of grief. For all of you I can honestly say that it won't always hurt this bad. It never goes away, but it does get better.

Talking at School

Frostina started preschool in January. She goes 3 mornings a week, just enough time for her to have something that is hers and enough time for me to get some one on one time with Olea. At the end of the year (well half year really) I had a conference with her teacher to see how she was doing.

I was shocked to hear that she doesn't talk at school. My chatty, happy girl doesn't talk at school? I couldn't believe it and I was worried. Her teacher told me they thought she couldn't speak at all until they heard her talking to me. She said it's normal and not to worry.

So of course I worried.

I played games with her where she was asking her teachers questions. Each morning when we got to school I would have her tell me what color shirt her teachers were wearing. It worked a bit, I was told she would answer them yes or no and tell them when she needed the potty but nothing else.

So I worried some more.

I opted not to send her to summer session to give her a break and also to make time for swim lessons. I was hoping a break in the routine of not talking at school would help.

Last week was her first week back at school. On Friday I got a call from her new teacher. She is doing very well and seems comfortable in class. Some of the older girls in the class (it's Montessori) have taken her under their wing and are inviting her to play at recess. She asked if I had any questions.

Of course I only had one, was she talking at school.

The answer was yes! The teacher told me that Frostina is quiet, but she does speak in class and participates in the morning calendar which apparently is a time when all the children participate in a group lesson.

I am so relieved. I have no idea if the time away helped, or if being 3 helps, or if it's the new teacher. I am just so happy that she is feeling comfortable enough to not shut down.

Who knew these little people could cause so much worry.

Freedom

I am confined and restricted.

I am being pushed through my day with no control over where I am going.

I struggle to be released from my shackles.

I cry and no one hears me.

Then finally, the straps that bind me are released.

And I am free.

I am free to run with the wind in my hair.

I am free to go where I please.

I am joyful and free.

Now if only Mommy would stop chasing me.

#Microblog Monday- Can I Ride My Bike To Heaven?

Me to Frostina this morning- "It's almost your brother's birthday."

Frostina to me- "Are we going to get him a birthday cake?"

Me- "No, your brother lives in heaven so we are going to get him a balloon that we will let fly up in the sky so he can get it."

Frostina- "Heaven is very far away, I can ride my bike there so I can go see him."

Me (hiding my tears)- "No honey, you can't get to heaven on your bike, it's too far away."

Frostina- "Oh, then we will drive there in your car, OK?"

You gotta love the logic of a 3 year old.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could ride our bikes to heaven to see the ones we have lost?

After All This Time- #MicroblogMondays

After all this time.

It's been almost 5 years since we lost him.

After all this time, I still can't become friends with someone who has a child who is the same age as he should be.

It seems silly perhaps, and it certainly makes it difficult to make new friends in a new town.

After all this time, I still can't do it.

I'm sure you are a lovely person, but you have a child who will turn 5 this summer so we can't be friends.

After all this time you would think I could look past it, but I can't.

Timehop Is An Asshole

Have you even seen those Timehop posts on you friend's Facebook pages? You know the ones that show cute photos from the same time last year, or the year before that? Well I did and was super excited to download the app. Basically every day you get a rundown of your posts from social media from previous years.

I have been using it and finding it very entertaining. Photos from two years ago with Frostina in an outfit that Olea is now wearing. Posting cute comparison photos of them learning to eat finger food. Catching glimpses of my life pre-children.

It was all going so well  until yesterday.

Five years ago yesterday is when I announced my pregnancy with my son on Facebook. Yesterday when I opened up the app, I saw that announcement in all it's glory. I was so happy then and the post was all gushy and sentimental. I had no idea what was to come.

Seeing that glimpse of my former self on an app was soul crushing. Now I think I may have to delete it because I'm not sure I can take a whole year of my 5 year ago pregnancy bump photos and  funny pregnancy stories. I certainly don't want to have to relive the day we had to share our loss.

I suppose it says something about where I am in my grief journey that it didn't even occur to me that this would happen when I downloaded it. A few years back I'm sure that would have been my first thought. So there's that I guess.


In the meantime I suppose I just need to delete my fun new app.

Kids Being Sick Sucks

Both the girls have colds, it sucks. Last night just as we were sitting down to eat dinner, Olea started crying because she couldn't breathe. **We eat dinner late. After the girls go to bed**

Frostina (who has a new fear of the dark and needs to sleep with her door open) heard her sister and woke up too. The choir of crying would have been funny if it had happened in a movie. But in the real world it wasn't quite as funny.

It is sweet how when one girl is upset, the other one gets upset for her.... but not when they are both supposed to be sleeping.

After a bit, we realized that no one was going to be sleeping in her own bed. So we opted to divide and conquer. Hubby slept in our bed with Frostina and I slept in our guest room with Olea. Hubby definitely got the better deal because Frostina immediately fell asleep.

I got stuck with the 6 month old with her first really bad cold. She couldn't breathe through her nose and was very unhappy about it. So sleep for me was very hit and miss,,,, mostly miss.

Is it better to have them stagger their illnesses, or just get it done in one fell swoop?

Microblog Monday- Preschool

Frostina has started preschool and the transition has not been easy.

I had to pick her up the first day after a few hours because she wouldn't stop crying. *Hear that, that's my heart breaking a little bit*

It's still very early days but she cries every day when I drop her off. And that makes me sad.

Plus, this has triggered severe separation anxiety with her and nightmares. Oh, and now she's afraid of the dark because of the scary dreams.

Please tell me this will pass soon. I'm not sure how long I can take it. My happy, sunny little girl is an anxiety ridden ball of emotions right now.

What To Do?

For many years this space has been my haven, my sanctuary, and my support system.

When I began I was broken,,,, completely. I was empty and was desperately reaching out for help. I  needed to find people like me. People who had suffered unthinkable loss. I had to know I wasn't alone.

And I found it, and so much more.

I truly believe that blogging, and the connections I made here saved my sanity. It was the extra bit of therapy that I needed. I owe this space and all of you my life.

But lately I find I have nothing to say. Partly because with 2 little girls to take care of my brain is fried,,,, and partly because I feel like maybe I've said it all.

I never wanted to be a Mommy blogger.

Nothing against Mommy bloggers, but I just don't really want to write about potty training (good days and bad days) and starting solids with my little one (going very well).

Or do I??

As I see more and more of my people, the people who were blogging furiously when I was. When I see these blogs go inactive. When I look at my reader and see hardly any new posts, I start to wonder if it's time for me to say goodbye as well.

I don't really want to, but I don't have much to say right now.

I am torn, do I keep this up but just at a very sporadic pace??

Or do I accept that I have found My New Normal and go about my daily life without documenting it here?