Still Good News

Well look at me, two posts in two days. I'm just glad it's because there is more good news to report.

We had another scan yesterday and all is still going well with Frostina. I would have loved some more photos to go with the great news but alas, when babies get this big they just don't photograph well via ultrasound. So no photos, just happy news.

She is still growing like a champ. Estimated weight is now 5 lbs 13 oz. I'm not sure exactly how accurate the doctor's estimates are but it's definitely up from last time. The doctor also checked her fluid levels and the blood flow through the umbilical cord, both of which are great. Reading that back makes her sound like a car being taken in for an oil change. Fluid levels- check, blood flow- check, heartbeat- check. Whatever it sounds like, she passed her baby jiffy lube ultrasound update with flying colors!

I mentioned the call to the labor ward the night before. He asked about the contractions and said they sounded like either braxton hicks or maybe I ate something that didn't agree with me. I think he said this because the pain was so high up. Either way, he double checked my cervix and verified that it is still intact and shut tight. So whatever it was, it didn't get anything going as far as labor is concerned.

He also said that if there is a next time I should emphasize my history to the midwives on the phone and insist on coming in for 30 minutes of monitoring. He didn't seem too happy that based on my history that they let me off the phone so easily. So now I know to push harder, but I do hope I don't have a repeat of those braxton hicks or whatever they were. One of the biggest benefits of having a scheduled c-section is no labor pains so I'll pass on them if I can. I am not one of those women who feel like I'm missing out on the birthing experience because I don't have to feel actual contractions. So screw them and get me straight to the drugs please!

I was very nervous this scan because it's the one where I got the horrible news the last time. So seeing that all is well was a huge relief. I even said these words, OUT LOUD AND EVERYTHING, "I guess we're really going to have this baby."

It's as if it's finally dawning on me that things may actually work out this time. That we may actually end up with a living, breathing, take-home baby. A baby that we have bought nothing for because I'm so paranoid that things may go wrong. Yikes!

Looks like we will be bringing our rainbow baby home after all!
*I hope I haven't tempted fate by writing this*

I need June 8th to hurry up and get here!

Silly Braxton Hicks

We had a bit of fun at Casa de New Normal last night. If your idea of fun is having contractions and calling the labor ward at 1am. Before I go any further let me assure you that I am not in labor. But I did think I was for a little bit last night.

I had a night out with the girls at a local pub last night. I got home around 10:30 and was in bed by 11. I had been feeling good all day, just a bit stiff after having to sit in a booth at the pub for so long. I laid down to relax and Frostina had a good stretch and kick session. We were both relieved to be laying down I think.

I was almost asleep when I felt the tightening in my stomach. Braxton Hicks contractions I assumed. I have been getting them from time to time, almost always when I'm in bed. But these were different. For one, they made me have to use the toilet (sorry TMI but it wasn't pee). They also didn't go away in 2 or 3 minutes like they usually do. I had pain in my upper back and my whole belly was contracting.

I got out of bed and tried walking around to get them to stop. That usually works with my BH contractions. This time it didn't work. By this time I was feeling the contractions in my upper belly and they were making me feel nauseous. I started to wonder if maybe it was my dinner. Was the fish in my fish and chips bad? Was I in actual labor???

That thought stopped me in my tracks. Was I in actual labor? I never had BH contractions in my last pregnancy and since I delivered via C-section I never had any contractions. Maybe this was what they felt like. Why didn't I pack my hospital bag this weekend like I promised The Hubby I would do? At this point I decided I should probably wake up The Hubby,,,, you know in case we had to head down to the hospital or something.

I went into the bedroom and woke him up. He was actually pretty calm considering I woke him up to tell him I was having some sort of contractions and we might be having a baby tonight. His first response was to scold me for not packing my hospital bag. I knew that was coming and I deserved it. But I hate when he gets to be the one to say "I told you so." It goes against the natural order of husband and wife things. "I told you so" is sooooo my line. But I digress.

I dug out the number for the labor ward that I got when I met with the midwives a few weeks ago. I called and explained all my symptoms. She asked all the important questions including if my waters had broken (no), if I had a show (no), and if the baby was still moving (yes). The very nice and very calm midwife said it sounded like braxton hicks and apparently it's not uncommon for them to make you nauseous. She advised me to take some paracetamol (Tylenol) and try to sleep. If they didn't get better than to call back.

So I took the pain relief and got back in bed. The contractions eased almost immediately. Not from the pills I'm guessing but because I felt much more calm after talking to the midwife. I wonder how many calls they get a night from people like me? I was able to fall asleep within a half an hour. So obviously not real labor, because we all know that taking two paracetamols (Tylenol) wouldn't touch real labor pain.

I have an appointment with my doctor today so I can discuss this whole incident with him. Plus it's a scan so I get to see Frostina again!

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, & Two Weeks

For the second year I am participating in a special project for Baby Loss Moms. Angie over at Still Life With Circles has established a link up where we can talk about where we are in our grief right now. I haven't read any of the entries yet because I wanted my thoughts to be unclouded, but when I'm done with this I plan to head on over and read them all. I encourage you to do the same.

I participated last year and when I'm done writing this post I will go back and see where I was a year ago. But I want to get this out first before I take that stroll down memory lane.

Right Where I Am: One Year, Nine Months, &  Two Weeks

I'd like to be able to say that I'm all better now. That once you get past the first year that things somehow get easier, but that's not really the case. In lots of ways I still can't believe I made it through the first year. All the anniversaries and milestones, each one more difficult than the last. But somehow, The Hubby and I managed our way through.

We managed our way through what is probably one of the most difficult and painful things a couple can go through with our marriage intact. In fact, I'd say that our marriage is stronger than it ever was, something that I am eternally grateful for. We have learned to communicate in a way that we probably didn't before. We didn't need to know how to share our greatest fears and deepest sorrow before, because our life had not been touched by tragedy. But now it has, and we have figured out a way to come together and ride the storm as one.

This past year has been a busy one. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby. This pregnancy has not been easy emotionally. Being pregnant again has brought some of the memories of our son back into my mind. I'm constantly living with flashbacks to when I was pregnant with him, comparisons between this pregnancy and the last, and all the what ifs.

What if I had been more vigilant with him?
What if I had been more closely monitored?
What if they had noticed he wasn't growing properly?
Could we have saved him?
Would he have been OK?
How would I have managed being pregnant with a toddler?
Would he have been a good big brother?

All this and more. All questions that I will never have answers to.

I'm having a very difficult time managing my fear during this pregnancy. Especially now since I am at the point where we lost him. I am constantly afraid that she will die too. That she will stop moving. That something horrible will happen and we won't make it to the hospital in time. That somehow she will be ripped from us just like he was. Every scan and every doctor appointment I am prepared for the worst.

It's not how I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be blissfully happy like I was last time. I want to feel that innocence again. That unspoiled joy. A joy that hasn't been touched by tragedy and pain. But that isn't my story anymore. I am a baby loss mom who is lucky enough to be pregnant again. I know firsthand just how horribly things can go wrong. I know this and somehow I need to manage the strength and faith to get through the next few weeks.

If I survive with my sanity intact and my baby still alive then that will be one huge accomplishment.

So where am I now? I'd say overall I'm better. The pain is still there of course, but it lets me have more good days than bad. It comes back every so often to remind me it's still there, but then it lets me get on with my life. I know I will never be over this, that I am forever changed.

I am forever changed and it is up to me where I go from here.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness

Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness

Lather, rinse, repeat

This my friends is my life these days. A constant swinging of emotions. I go from hopeful to anxious and back again. I haven't figured out how to balance it all just yet. We are so close to meeting our little lady, and yet so far away. I'm being seen weekly by the doctor now which is helpful and reassuring. But the days in between visits are a form of torture. Is she OK? Will she live? Will the next Dr visit bring bad news? Where is that fast forward button?

Anxiety
I'm 34 weeks pregnant. 34 weeks is the last time I know for sure that my son was still alive. He died sometime between 34 and 36 weeks. He died at this exact stage of pregnancy.

Panic
How on earth am I going to be able to make it through this exact stage of pregnancy again without completely losing my sanity? What if it happens again? How will I cope? How will The Hubby cope?

Hope
Everything is different this time. She is much bigger; much more active; and according to the doctor, thriving in a way he never did. She is doing well. She is going to be born healthy and alive.

Happiness
When she's moving around I feel love and joy and happiness. When she's not I feel panic.

I know babies don't move around 24 hours a day. I know they do actually sleep. I know she's much more active than he ever was. But my heart is unable to hear reason. It loves so hard and it doesn't know how to overcome the fear. So it panics. Even when my brain tells it it's being silly. It doesn't listen. The heart feels what it feels. Then I feel her moving again and all is right with the world.

Anxiety
Panic
Hope
Happiness

Lather, rinse, repeat

Your Husband Has Had A Minor Heart Attack- Would You Like A Cup Of Tea?

Because we need just a bit more drama in our lives right now!

Let me start off by saying that The Hubby is fine. He's home and a bit shaken and tired, but he's fine. Apologies in advance for such a long post but so much happened and I just want to get it out there in one go.

We have had a crazy couple of days here at Casa de My New Normal. A couple of days that I would like to never have to go through again. It all started on Thursday night when The Hubby got back from a work trip. He had been travelling for a few days and had been on several short hop flights. All with a carry-on that was too heavy because he was worried about the airlines losing his bag.

When he got home he immediately started complaining that his back and neck were very sore from carrying his bag. He was really tired and just wanted to eat dinner and relax. Because I'm 34 weeks pregnant and in the running for wife of the year, I had nothing prepared. So he settled for a can of chili which as usual he added lots of extra spicy chilies and onions.

Shortly after dinner he asked me for some of my heartburn medication. He said the chili was making his chest hurt. I gave him some but it didn't help. He was making these funny faces and grabbing at the left side of his chest. He said that he was having really sharp chest pains and that they were getting worse.

Trying not to panic, I quickly consulted with Dr Google about the symptoms of a heart attack. I started quizzing him, chest pains-yes, neck pain-yes, back pain-yes, tingling in the hands or arms-yes. Holy crap, he's got the symptoms of a heart attack. We both got really scared and I decided to call 999 (that's the UK version of 911). They answered quickly and we had a paramedic at the house within 5 minutes.

The paramedic hooked him up to her portable heart monitor machine and said that the read out looked normal. His blood pressure was a bit high but that was probably due to the stress of everything. While this was sort of a relief, he continued to have chest pains even as she said things looked OK. She recommended we let the ambulance take us to the emergency room to do further tests. She came before the ambulance so we would have to wait for it to arrive.

During this wait, The Hubby started feeling better. His chest pains stopped and he started grumbling that he didn't want to waste his night sitting in the emergency room with "all the drunks." He said that he didn't want to add any stress to me since I was pregnant and that a night in A&E was not the best place for either of us.

I was having none of this. I insisted that the only way I would feel any less stress would be to have him checked out thoroughly by a doctor. I was worried that the pain might come back in the middle of the night and then what would we do. He was not happy, but begrudgingly agreed to let them take him.

So off we went in the back of the ambulance. I've never ridden in one before so that's one more thing to cross off the list. It's not nearly as fun as you imagine when you're a child. Anyway, we get to the hospital and then we have to wait a bit, but not too long. Although long enough for The Hubby to sigh and make it clear that he thought we didn't really need to be there.

Once they called his name and got him hooked up to their machine things changed quickly.

After his reading, the tech went and got the doctor in charge who quickly rushed into his little cubicle. He started fussing at the tech for making us wait so long and asked The Hubby a bunch of questions. He wanted to know if he had ever had an ECG at the hospital before. As it turns out he has so the doctor sent the tech to get a print out for comparison.

It was at this point that I knew we weren't being silly for coming in. I knew that maybe my instinct to never ignore chest pain was spot on. That this was going to end up being something more serious. And boy was I right.

After a quick comparison of the readings we were taken to a different part of the A&E. A room with a big heart monitor machine. They hooked him up to take some more readings and the room started to fill with people. The cardiologist arrived and so did his nurse. The doctor in charge of the emergency room filled him in and the cardiologist asked The Hubby a bunch of questions.

That's when we both heard some very scary words. "You have had a minor heart attack and we're going to prep you for an angiogram to assess the damage." That's when The Hubby stopped looking annoyed and started looking scared. He went a bit white and started shaking. I was so numb I wasn't sure what do do. So I went over and hugged him. Well not a real hug because the bump is too big to reach over the railing of the bed and he was hooked up to the machine. But the best kind of hug I could manage.

At this point some of the attention turned to me. I think they were worried about what the stress of being told your husband has had a heart attack would do to a 34 week pregnant lady. The doctor in charge of the emergency room told me that it was absolutely the right thing to insist that The Hubby come in to the hospital. He told me that I probably saved his life. Then he offered me a cup of tea.

I swear I am not making this part up. He told me my husband had a heart attack and that my actions may have saved his life and then offered me a cup of tea. How very English of him.

In a matter of minutes they had a team prepped, the room ready, and we were on our way. Through the halls of the deserted hospital (it was almost midnight at this point). Into the elevator, and up to the floor where the operating theatres are.

On the way they explained to us both about the angiogram. That it would be done through his wrist and that he would be awake the whole time. They would be looking to see if there were any blockages or clots and would be fixing anything they found. They mentioned a few things they would do including stents, but I have to say it was all a bit of a blur at this point.

My mind was racing. My husband had had a heart attack. I am pregnant and due to deliver in three weeks. We lost our first son less than two years ago. Seriously??? Now we get to deal with a heart attack?? Can't we ever get away from the drama??

I forced myself to snap out of it. I had to listen, I had to focus, I had to keep calm so I didn't miss anything. This was important stuff they were telling me and I needed a clear head.

Once we got to the floor where they would do the operation they wheeled him straight in, only stopping long enough for me to give him a kiss and another sort of hug. Then I was left alone in an empty ward. A scary empty hospital ward.

Thankfully after a few minutes the nurse came back and told me I could wait in what would be his room. So we went to the CCU which was also pretty dark and empty, but at least I was in his room and there was a bathroom I could use. Yep, this preggo really had to pee by this point.

At this point I finally had time to reach out to let a few family members know what was going on. It wasn't easy though because as you may know, hospitals aren't exactly mobile phone friendly and even when you find a spot with a signal, it keeps dropping off. So I only got through a couple of calls before the nurse came back to get me. She said they were done and that the doctor wanted to talk to me.

So back through the abandoned halls we went, into the empty elevators and down to where The Hubby was. The doctor came out and said something amazing.


He didn't have a heart attack after all.

I couldn't believe it. Not a heart attack?? No damage at all? The doctor said that even though the ECG indicated a heart attack, his heart was perfectly healthy. No blockages, no clots, no damage at all. Apparently it is an anomaly that is rare but happens sometimes (now where have I heard that before?) and that they always err on the side of caution.

I can't even describe the wave of relief I felt at that moment. I was still a bit in shock, but so relieved as well. They let me go into the room to see him and he looked so much better. Not scared anymore and very relived. He kept apologizing for putting me through this for which I told him to stop apologizing. I would go through this a million times with him if I had to. Although I'd prefer not to of course.

I followed him as they wheeled him to his room. They kept him overnight for observation and sent me home to get some sleep. It was about 1:30am at this point. I got home and did my best to sleep.

The next morning he emailed me to say they were releasing him. I rushed over with clean clothes and they finally sent him home in the afternoon. We were both super tired and quite shaken up by the whole experience. It's not something either of us want to have to go through again. But it's also a reminder that you should never ignore chest pain,,, never.

So what was it then? The doctor's think that his chest pain was severe indigestion caused by the can of chili he ate. Perhaps made worse by some muscle strain. But it wasn't a heart attack.

It wasn't a heart attack.

I swear sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera. The kind that if I was watching I'd think that the writers were taking it a bit far. That no one's life is really that dramatic. That they needed to give this character a break.

Oh, and we're throwing all the rest of the cans of chili away!

So Close,,,,

I had another scan this week and all is going well with Frostina. I've been so worried about her lately so this was a huge relief. I'm finding these last few weeks very difficult. She is still in a funny position, transverse and breech. This means her head is above my left hip bone and her feet are near her head. One in front of her face and one behind it. My doctor isn't sure how she managed that, he called her an acrobat.

He did the measurements and said she is growing well. She's estimated to be over 5 pounds at this point which is up a over a pound from two weeks ago. I've gained 3 pounds since 2 weeks ago so it's nice to see that at least one of those went to her. She still has a fat belly which I love. He spent some time checking out her internal organs and I got to watch her doing some practice breathing. Not that I could really tell what I was looking at, but I took his word for it.

He also mentioned that she has a full head of hair. I found this fact interesting since my son was born completely bald. When I called to tell The Hubby he laughed. He said, "She's got a fat belly and lots of hair,,, she must get that from me." I got a good laugh out of that one too.

We're so close and yet so far away. I just don't want a repeat of last time, when everything was taken from us at 36 weeks.

Kind of like that Charlie Brown cartoon where he runs to kick the football and Lucy takes it away at the last minute and he ends kicking the air and falling on his back. I feel like that. Like I'm getting ready to run at the football again for a kick and hoping Lucy doesn't take it away at the last minute. I need to kick that football this time, to feel my foot make contact and watch it fly into the air. Like Charlie Brown, I am trying to have faith that Lucy will fulfil her promise this time, but I won't know for sure until I start running towards it.

Lucky for me, my doctor is doing his best to reassure me at every turn. I will be monitored weekly from here. Scan this week, appointment next week where we do some blood and urine tests and also get a peek at our little girl. Then a scan the week after. And then an appointment and a delivery the week after that.

If you were counting those weeks you will realize what I did,,,, only 3 weeks to go. Yikes!

Three weeks until our delivery date. It hardly seems real. I think that's mostly due to the fact that I rarely allow my mind to go there. To that place where she is born healthy and alive and we get to take her home. I mostly force my mind to stay in the now. I allow myself to plan the next few weeks from a practical perspective and try to keep it at that.

Trying not to get my hopes up too much. As if that would really protect me if things went wrong. As if I have some sort of control over things. As if!

I'm Tired Of Being That Woman

I feel like crying is all I do these days.
I cry about this and I cry about that.
I'm so tired of crying.
So tired of being "that woman."

The one who is sad.
The one you can't say certain things around.
Censoring your words.
Not bringing up things in front of me.
Like new babies.
Like Mother's Day.

Tiptoeing around me.
Because I'm damaged.
Because you might make me cry.
Because you don't know what to say.
Or how to act.

I'm so tired of being that woman.
The woman you feel sorry for.
That you want to reach out to.
Because it's just such a sad story.
Because I'm having a hard time.
Because you're secretly relieved it happened to me instead of to you.

I'm tired of being that woman.
But she is me.
I am her.
Desire does not erase the reality.
Will cannot change the facts.
It is who I am.
Like it or not.

Midnight Meltdown

I've been battling with insomnia again. I know it's normal in late pregnancy, but for me I think it's something more than that. You see, we are now at the point in this pregnancy when everything went wrong for my son. I know I've written about this before and don't want to sound like a broken record, but it's really hard right now.

Flashbacks to my last pregnancy.
Comparing things as best I can.
Remembering.

It's all a bit too much at times. Each week closer to week 36 (when we found out he was gone) is like the exact reverse of waiting for Christmas morning. Logic tells me that there's nothing special about any of these weeks, but fear and emotion sometimes take over and I'm a total mess.

So many milestones to get through before we can hold a (hopefully) living breathing Frostina in our arms. We already passed the 32 week mark which was the last good scan for my son. We had a very positive scan which I wrote about here. Just passing that milestone was a huge relief.

The next one is 34 weeks. I didn't have a scan at 34 weeks last time, but I did see my doctor and heard my baby boy's heartbeat. It's the last time I know for sure he was alive. This time I'm having a scan at 34 weeks so I can be much more sure that Frostina is OK.

Then I have another appointment with my doctor at 35 weeks. Not a full scan, but a normal visit. He has this small portable ultrasound machine so we will get to see her then as well. This is really important to me as we know that my son went to heaven sometime between week 34 and 36. We don't know exactly when, so that whole time will be one huge grief trigger--- sounds fun doesn't it.

It's these things and more that have been spinning around my head lately. These fears and worries that have been keeping me up at night. I wasn't sure I'd ever sleep soundly again, until a few nights ago. The Hubby is my best friend and he's also really good at knowing when I'm about to meltdown. He has this second sense of when I'm about to lose it. He sometimes knows before I do.

So the other night I was getting ready to hit the bed and battle with sleep once more. He came in and asked if I wanted to talk about anything. I said no but the tears immediately came. A flood of fear, and emotion, and tears, and snot all came rushing out at once (pretty). I have been so worried that I will let him down again. That something will go wrong with Frostina and I won't even notice. That somehow if I'd been more vigilant I could have saved our son.

It went on and on like this for a while. I'm pretty good at blaming myself for things so there was a lot to get through. The Hubby just held me and assured me that I didn't let him down last time around. That we both did the best we could and that there was no way to know there was anything wrong. He also reminded me how much more carefully we're being monitored this time and how much better Frostina is doing than her brother was.

I cried for a long time..... and then I slept. A hard sleep, only interrupted by the 4 potty breaks I have every night these days. Since then I've been able to sleep like a baby, I even took a nap yesterday. I guess I really needed that cry!

Why I'm Not The Model Yoga Student

I've been doing yoga for most of this pregnancy. Prenatal yoga is good for lots of reasons. It helps keep you loose and flexible which is good since most preggos tense up a lot and have aches and pains. It also is supposed to help prepare you for labor (unless you're me and have a scheduled c-section) and help with your recovery afterwards.

It can get a bit crunchy granola at times (nothing wrong with that, just not my thing) with lots of talk about natural childbirth and home births. There can also be some preaching about not letting anyone steal your birth experience from you by scaring you into taking drugs. Again, nothing wrong with this train of thought,,,, but I'll take all the drugs I can get. Overall though, they're a very accepting group and are willing to look past those of us who want to take drugs and have our babies in a hospital. So if they can accept my ideas, I'm willing to accept theirs and the fact that we agree to disagree.

You get to meet other pregnant women and when they're not looking you can compare your bump to theirs. You also get to meet what I like to refer to as "those crazy women" who are still doing yoga when they're 41 weeks pregnant. I'm very mature in my head and my inner voice screams, "Get that baby out of you while it's still alive," and, "What the hell are you doing here, you should be home on the couch" when I see them. But luckily I haven't yet said it out loud so I'm still allowed to attend the class.

One of the benefits of yoga is the relaxation and meditation portion. In pregnancy yoga there is lots of focus on putting your stress and anxiety aside and taking time to bond with your baby. In theory this is a great idea. We lead busy lives and it's important to take time to relax, especially when we're pregnant.

The only problem with this in practice is that when my mind has too much time to think about this baby it starts to get worried. How on earth am I supposed to relax and focus on this baby when I'm so worried about her all the time?? I spend lots of my day trying not to think about how worried I am. I try to distract myself and pretend I'm not, but I am worried... all the time.

So this extra bonding time while great, is time for my mind to go crazy with anxiety. Here's what my inner voice sounded like during today's class when I was supposed to be focusing on my breathing.

"So if anything goes wrong I will just call the hospital and head right down. Wait, I don't have the midwives desk number on my phone. I need to program that in right away because if I call my doctor and he doesn't answer I need to have it. Hmmm, should I call The Hubby before I call the hospital or wait until I'm in the taxi? He might get mad if I don't call him first but if I call him first I'll start crying and then maybe the hospital won't be able to understand me. No, definitely call the hospital first,,,, must get that number programmed in right away. Wait,,,, which part of the hospital do I need to go to? The main building or the consulting rooms where I get my scans done? What if I go to the wrong place? Will my doctor come to me, or will I have to walk across to him? STOP,,, you are in yoga and are supposed to be concentrating on your breathing. You shouldn't be thinking about this right now. Things are fine with Frostina and you are getting yourself all worked up for nothing." 

It's about this time that yoga is over and I'm feeling just as stressed as when I started.

So I'm not the model yoga student, that's for sure.

Here I Go Making Plans Again

As I have mentioned before, we are dealing with lots of things this pregnancy differently than we did last time. Last time around we had EVERYTHING ready for our son's arrival. We had 2 nursery lists (baby registries), one for our UK friends and another that our US friends could shop and still ship to my address here in London (I was very prepared). My friends threw me a baby shower which we planned around a family visit so my Mom and Grandmother could attend. After that, we bought anything that we didn't receive as gifts to fill the gaps.

We were absolutely prepared to bring our son home, except for the small detail that our son never got to come home with us. After he was born still, we had a house full of stuff and no baby. It was absolutely awful.

So this time we're doing things differently. We are buying NOTHING until after Frostina is here with us. I have made it clear to my friends and family that I don't want any gifts and I definitely don't want a baby shower. Nothing baby related will be allowed into this house until there is a living baby... full stop! I know in reality it won't make any difference, but mentally I just can't fill the house with baby things just yet.

Now that we're getting closer though, the practical and "I have to plan things" side of me is coming out. I couldn't walk into things completely unprepared. So I have allowed myself to do some things in preparation for Frostina's arrival. Just a couple of things so that The Hubby isn't running around like a chicken with his head cut off after she's born alive and well (see, I'm being positive). I've allowed myself to start making plans again.

First of all I have chosen and pre-ordered my baby buggy (stroller). I am having it delivered the day before my scheduled c-section. I had to pre-order it because the one I want is a new model and they are on back order. You can't just walk in and get one, especially if you want to choose your color options. After all we've been through this pregnancy, there's no way I'm settling for less than exactly what I want (perhaps I'm being a bit spoiled here), so I allowed myself to place the order. Of course, the box will be banished to the garage until after she's born. There's no way I'm allowing it into the house.

Secondly I've set up a small nursery list (baby registry) with just the basics on it. This will mostly be so that The Hubby has a list to work off when he's doing the shopping after Frostina is born. I don't imagine he will be in the mindset to want to pick which kind of baby monitor or breast pump after her arrival, so I've done that prep work for him.

I've also had the store where the list is set up put a car seat and moses basket on hold. It hasn't been paid for just yet, but the lady who helped me set up my list has already put them aside in the stockroom for me. That way there won't be any risk that the items aren't available when we need them. All The Hubby has to do is go in and pay for them and he can take them home. So even if everything else is out of stock, we will have something to bring her home with and something for her to sleep in.

In addition to stuff for baby, I've also started making appointments for me. Because as I've mentioned many times here, I am just a bit vain. There's no way I'm going into a scheduled c-section without a bit of "freshening up" first. So far I've booked my bikini wax and my hair appointment. I may be having a baby after 40 but you won't see any grey hairs on this head. I also need to book a pedicure and an eyebrow threading, but there's still time for all that.

It feels strange to be setting up these "last one before baby" appointments. I had them all set up last time too, only I never made it to any of them. Because we delivered my son weeks before we were expecting to. I don't even remember who cancelled them last time. I think it was my same group of friends who went in and got rid of all the baby stuff. Or maybe I was just a no show.

It doesn't really matter now, I just hope that this time I make it to them all. And that in my first photos with Frostina I have perfectly colored hair, cute toes, and nicely shaped eyebrows.

I won't be showing or taking any photos of the bikini wax so everyone will just have to take my word for it that things have been taken care of in that department. : )

She's Hanging In There... I'm Hopeful

Today we had our 31 (almost 32) week scan. I'm so happy and relieved to report that Frostina is doing great! She weighs approximately 3 pounds 13 ounces and once again has a fat belly. She looked super cute on the scan. The Hubby started crying when he saw her in 3D which was so sweet. That started me crying but I quickly stopped because I wanted to make sure I was holding still so the doctor could get all his measurements done.

The most beautiful face I've ever seen.

I can't really explain what a relief this news was. We were extra anxious going into this scan because this was the last good ultrasound we had with my son. This was the point where things went from fine to a total disaster in a matter of weeks. So for us this ultrasound was a HUGE trigger.

I shared all my fears with my doctor who was more than understanding. He told us that there is no comparison between Frostina's scan results and our son's. He even went so far as to show us the comparisons and the measurements aren't even close. He actually said that looking at our son's scans, it was clear to him that there were already growth restrictions. Something that my previous doctor didn't tell us. She told us he was fine, just a bit small.

I'm not trying to say that our previous doctor did anything wrong. My new doctor is looking at these results with the benefit of hindsight which is something none of us had at the time. He was merely trying to point out just how much better our little girl is doing. A fact that makes me feel amazingly happy.

I will see him again in two weeks for another scan and then a week from then for a quick consult and check up. Then if all is still going well we will deliver her on the 8th of June. That's only 5 weeks from this Friday. 

So tonight I am hopeful. Hopeful that things are going to work out this time. Hopeful that Frostina is going to be our take-home rainbow baby. Hopeful that this news can help calm the panic that rises within me from time to time.

Hopeful