We're Really Going to do This.

I never thought I'd be here again. I never thought I'd be 41 and trying for another baby.

To be fair, I wasn't sure I would ever be able to get pregnant. But I did, at 39, and I thought all my prayers were answered. I would have my baby at 40 and then be done. One perfect healthy child was enough. We would try hard not to spoil him and would make sure he had lots of play dates so he would learn how to share. We would love him and he would love us. We would be the perfect family of three.

"There's no heartbeat."

Those awful words that I heard at my 36 week scan. Those awful words changed everything.

So here I am at 41 getting ready to try again. I obviously have a lot of fear about the whole thing which I wrote about in this post back in January. But I've got hope as well.

We had our appointment at the fertility clinic last Friday. They did a scan of my uterus and all is well. No fibroids, no polyps, I even have a few follicles left. The consultation with the doctor raised some interesting options for us. We are quite worried about the fact that we are both carriers for cystic fibrosis. This means that we have a 1 in 4 chance of a child of ours being born with the disease. We are keen to find ways to avoid this. I don't have nearly enough follicles to do pre-genetic diagnosis (PGD) so we need to think outside the box.

"So how about using donor sperm or donor eggs?" This is the question we asked our fertility doctor on Friday. We have been considering this option for a while now. If you think about it, it's pretty much half-way between adopting and having your own children. With adoption, the child isn't genetically related to either parent. With donor eggs or sperm, the child is genetically related to one of the parents. Plus, here in the UK if you conceive a child this way it's still legally yours. No issues with lawyers or in our case immigration and visa complications.

A big smile erupted on the face of our doctor. She agreed that this could be a very good option for us. Her recommendation was to use donor eggs because of my age. Younger eggs produce better embryos and better embryos are much more likely to result in a happy healthy baby. So less likelihood of miscarriage, downs syndrome, edwards syndrome, and many other (Mother's) age related issues. Pregnancy after loss is always going to be stressful, and knowing that you are helping to decrease your chances of another loss is a huge relief. I know there are no guarantees in life, but this made me feel a lot better.

I think this is the option we are going to go for. The big issue at the moment is the cost. It's crazy expensive! My hubby does well and financially we're in a good place. But this is huge money. The kind of money that would completely deplete our savings we have set aside for when we move back to the US and need to buy a house again. My parents have offered to help out which is much appreciated. But they have no idea what kind of money we're talking about yet. I am trying to ease them into it by telling them it's "REALLY" expensive.

In my heart I know that this is what I want to do. My husband is all for it as well. So we will figure out the money side. After all, bringing home a healthy living child would be worth it.