Try Not to Freak Out the Preganant Lady, Please

Before I get started let me assure you that the pregnant lady in this story is not me.

As I have mentioned before, I'm an American expat living in London. One of the first things I did when I got here was to join a club for expatriate women. It has been through this organization that I have met most of my close friends. Once a month this club has a coffee morning where new members and old members can get together. It's mostly designed as a way to welcome new people to London and the club. For many women, it's the first time they have worked up the nerve to venture out of their new homes and walk into a room full of strangers hoping for some kind of lifeline. So as a veteran member, I understand how important it is that we make these new women feel welcome.

I've mostly avoided these coffee mornings since losing my son because I just didn't have the energy for them. But his month I've been feeling more like my old self and decided to attend.

It was all going pretty well. There was a nice mixture of new members and existing ones. As fate would have it, I ended up sitting next to two visibly pregnant women. One who had just joined the club, and one who had been a member for a while but who I don't know very well. This was fine by me. I don't have an issue with pregnant women, I just have an issue with newborn babies. Since neither of these women had a newborn with them I was sure all would be fine.

So we were chatting about this and that. I was careful not to ask anything about their pregnancies as I knew this would lead to them asking me if I had children. I thought I was doing so well. Until the woman who I don't know very well asked me this question. "The last time I saw you was right before you had your baby, right? So how is the little one?"

So now I am trying to figure out exactly how to say what I need to say. I have two very pregnant ladies staring at me waiting for my answer. The new woman looks very smiley as she's expecting me to start telling tales of cute newborns, sleepless nights, and other various baby tales.

So I just said it, "My son was stillborn."

Looks of horror spread across both of their faces. Not just horror for me, but horror for themselves. They both asked me how and why and did I know anything. They wanted to know if the doctors had known anything or if there had been any signs. I calmly (so proud of myself for that) explained that no, there had been no signs. I had had a perfectly normal pregnancy. I didn't know anything was wrong until the ultrasound at 36 weeks (which got a shriek from the new woman who I'm assuming is close to 36 weeks).

They both asked me how I was doing. Again, I stayed calm and explained that it has been really tough but that I've got some really great friends who have helped me through it. I was so proud of myself for not crying through all of this. At this point another friend of mine (who had been chatting to someone else) realized what we were talking about and very slyly turned the conversation in another direction.

I am proud of myself for staying calm and not breaking down. I've been in this situation before when I haven't been as brave. But this time I felt a bigger responsibility. I needed to stay strong not just for me, but for the two pregnant women I was talking to. The last thing I want to do is to freak out a pregnant woman. We've all been there and know how scary it all is. But to have to face me, the manifestation of their greatest fear, couldn't have been easy. I know it wasn't easy for me.