I've had a good couple of weeks. It amazes me to even be able to write that, but it's true.
I've started back at the school where I used to volunteer. We have decided to go forward with egg donation plus IVF in order to try for another baby. We had an amazing weekend with friends. I'm even going on a girl's trip this weekend. I still have my sad moments of course, but most of the time I feel happy.
So what's the problem? Why was I up last night until 2am in a fit of panic? What's wrong with me?
I'm scared to be happy again.
There, I said it. I'm scared to be happy because the last time I was really happy, my son died. The last time I was optimistic, and hopeful, and giddy, and making plans for the future was right before I found out that my son had no heartbeat. The last time I was joyful my whole world came crumbling down around me in an instant.
I'm afraid that will happen again.
Last night I noticed that my husband wasn't snoring. Any normal person would breathe a huge sigh of relief for the respite. But not me. I went into a panic. Had he stopped breathing? Was he going to die too? What would I do without him? I've already lost my son, I can't lose him too. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I pondered this scenario in my head. I stopped breathing myself, trying to be quiet enough to hear his breaths. It was too dark to see if he was breathing, and I couldn't hear anything either. So being the good wife I am, I have him a nudge and was relieved when he rolled over,,,,,,, and started snoring again.
That's what my life is like now I guess. I'm constantly waiting for the whole world to crash again. For the next big tragedy. I never used to be like this. I was happy most of the time and thought nothing of it. Now I'm terrified that allowing myself to be too happy will just bring on the inevitable crash.
So at the same moment that I'm happier than I have been since losing my son, I'm also terrified. Worried that the other shoe will drop and I will be plunged into despair once again.
It's not the best way to walk through life. I just haven't figured out how to talk myself out of it yet.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I've noticed this, too. Even when I feel pretty good, a quiet part of me is dreading the worst. I came home from a yoga class feeling relaxed and pretty happy and then my dog didn't greet me at the front door and I felt my stomach just drop out--I was absolutely sure he must have just died while I was gone (despite the fact he is five years old and has no health problems) and my eyes starting filling with tears as I went to look for him. But he was actually dancing around by the backdoor with a full bladder. So, yeah. I totally get it.
ReplyDeleteI know 100% how you feel. I feel this way too...its like any minute now the phone will ring and its another disaster. You start to pick yourself up but then something you've never seen pushes you back down. I'm sorry that you are feeling things so intensely but I hope you find comfort in that you are NOT alone. We will be with you every step of the way.
ReplyDelete~Felicia
I felt this way after my miscarriage. For weeks, and even now sometimes, I get anxious when my husband leaves because I'm afraid I'll never see him again. After the miscarriage I constantly wondered why I wasn't given the chance to experience being a mother. It was all taken away from before I really had the chance to experience the joys of being pregnant. I know it's hard, but try to keep your head up. I pray that your IVF works. I pray you get that little baby your wanting.
ReplyDeleteI have defintely been questioning everyone's ability to live as long as I would like them to. Who knew we were all mortal? I just wish I could convince myself that my intense worry will not keep them alive, so chill out.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not alone in feeling this way at all. I too was trying to be so optimistic about my son when I found he had spina bifida that everything would be alright and then optimistic that I was having a surgery to improve his life and all that optimism just when down the drain when his heart stopped sudden;y and couldn't be revivied. I feel like I never want to be that way again in fear of getting my heart broken again. You definitely aren't alone and if you ever find a way to talk yourself out of feeling that way, let me know. Take care
ReplyDeleteThe fear of death is a strange reaction. I have experienced it too. I have not yet put it in a post, but I got of afflicted with it.
ReplyDeleteAm happy you are working again. There is some amount of satisfaction that results from the decisions taken. It seems the decision to use egg donation has afforded you some peace of mind.
Good Luck.
What an impossible thing to have to go through.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can get to the point where you can be happy and hopeful again.
I am a new follower and just have to say that I admire you. My husband and I have been having trouble getting pregnant and its taken such a toll on every aspect of my life- but to struggle to get pregnant then lose the child is just IMPOSSIBLE to imagine. You have such strength and i just want you to know that even on days you feel sad, your'e stronger than most <3
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to stay focused on the positive right now. Some days I do better than others.
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrible tragedy for you. I lost three babies at 13 weeks, but I can't begin to imagine what you went through. I lost my dad when I was young, so I know that fear of worrying about everyone around you. Its hard to imagine that the world is a safe place after what you've been through.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are able to write about it. And maybe you will be able to allow yourself small moments of happiness. My thoughts are with you.
Shell sent me over.
It's not strange that you feel that way, not at all. When I was 19 they called and said my dad was in the ER and in a very bad shape. When my sister and I (my parents were already divorced)arrived, he was dead. Autopsy revealed that he got a myocarditis and likely died in his sleep. Years after, I was still terrified when the phone rang and if it rang late at night I panicked. I'm much better now though but can't help getting the fear back at times, especially since my mother and her hubby are getting older. I don't think you'll ever forget the feeling, and fear will always be there in a way, but it fades away....You learn to live...in a new normal. Your blog name is so appropriate.
ReplyDeletestopping by from the things i cant say linkup. thank you for pouring your heart out. i hope you can find peace in being optimistic and happy!
ReplyDeleteI'm saying a prayer for you right now.
ReplyDeleteWhile I've never been through the sort of pain you've experienced, I do know the feeling of waking up and hearing snoring...and feeling panic. Or when the car isn't waiting for me when I arrive at the train station...I think he must've had an accident. I don't know where it comes from, but it's there.
I pray that the IVF works!!
Visiting from Shell's
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ReplyDeleteHow awful for you. Never be scared to be happy. Happiness is what life is about and EVERYONE deserves it. If you have even a sniff of happiness after what you have been through then hold it with both hands! Thanks for Rewinding. Sorry I am so late to visit x
ReplyDeleteThanks for the honesty.
ReplyDeleteMy brother passed away unexpectedly at age 19 - I was 16 - it throw me for a loop..., changed my perspective on life, yet , in a positive way, opened up my thinking about reality....
you need to somehow work your grief into your happy life, it's a part of who you are....
I found you on and then there were four......