Setting Some Things In Motion

People keep asking me what I'm going to do next? I find this one of the hardest questions to answer.

What am I going to do now??

I had my whole year planned. I was going to have my baby and get lost in babyland. My days would be filled with feedings and nappy changes. My nights would be sleepless. I would be posting about my lack of sleep on facebook to annoy my friends and family. I was going to become an amateur photographer with my son being my main subject. I would join a playgroup and meet other women with babies the same age as mine. I was finally going to be a Mommy.

But then everything changed. Someone looked at the plans I had written on the chalkboard of my life and erased them. Just like that, with one swipe of the eraser my whole life plan was gone.

Since August I've been staring at that empty chalkboard. What do I write on it now? What do I want to do? What do I feel up to doing? Where do I even begin?

I've decided it's time to break out the chalk and start writing again. Not to fill up the whole board, but maybe just a small space in the corner. So I've set a few things in motion.

First, I finally contacted and joined my local Sands group. For those of you who don't know about Sands, it's a stillbirth and neonatal death charity here in the UK. They offer support for anyone affected by the loss of a baby and also promote research to reduce the numbers of babies who die each year. They are an amazing organization and I've been meaning to reach out and get involved. So today I did. I met with a lovely woman who told me about what my local group does. I'm looking forward to attending some meetings and meeting other baby loss parents.

Second, I reached out to the school I used to volunteer at (hence the chalkboard references above). When I lived in the US I was an elementary school teacher and really missed the classroom. So I found a local school that needed people to come in and read with the students. I worked there for 4 years and stayed with the same group of kids each year. I miss them terribly and have really wanted to go back. I've been scared to email the school for fear that they will say they don't want me back. I am afraid that they won't want to address my baby loss with the students. But I'm hopeful that maybe they will welcome me back. I am anxiously awaiting their reply.

I'm feeling proud of myself today. I know it's small steps, but they are steps forward, and that feels pretty good.