Wednesday 9 February 2011

Setting Some Things In Motion

People keep asking me what I'm going to do next? I find this one of the hardest questions to answer.

What am I going to do now??

I had my whole year planned. I was going to have my baby and get lost in babyland. My days would be filled with feedings and nappy changes. My nights would be sleepless. I would be posting about my lack of sleep on facebook to annoy my friends and family. I was going to become an amateur photographer with my son being my main subject. I would join a playgroup and meet other women with babies the same age as mine. I was finally going to be a Mommy.

But then everything changed. Someone looked at the plans I had written on the chalkboard of my life and erased them. Just like that, with one swipe of the eraser my whole life plan was gone.

Since August I've been staring at that empty chalkboard. What do I write on it now? What do I want to do? What do I feel up to doing? Where do I even begin?

I've decided it's time to break out the chalk and start writing again. Not to fill up the whole board, but maybe just a small space in the corner. So I've set a few things in motion.

First, I finally contacted and joined my local Sands group. For those of you who don't know about Sands, it's a stillbirth and neonatal death charity here in the UK. They offer support for anyone affected by the loss of a baby and also promote research to reduce the numbers of babies who die each year. They are an amazing organization and I've been meaning to reach out and get involved. So today I did. I met with a lovely woman who told me about what my local group does. I'm looking forward to attending some meetings and meeting other baby loss parents.

Second, I reached out to the school I used to volunteer at (hence the chalkboard references above). When I lived in the US I was an elementary school teacher and really missed the classroom. So I found a local school that needed people to come in and read with the students. I worked there for 4 years and stayed with the same group of kids each year. I miss them terribly and have really wanted to go back. I've been scared to email the school for fear that they will say they don't want me back. I am afraid that they won't want to address my baby loss with the students. But I'm hopeful that maybe they will welcome me back. I am anxiously awaiting their reply.

I'm feeling proud of myself today. I know it's small steps, but they are steps forward, and that feels pretty good.

11 comments:

  1. Well done on making those steps, that is such a fantastically positive thing to have done. SANDS is amazing and I have had much support from them too, I hope you find joining your local group helpful. I will keep my fingers crossed that the school snaps your offer up asap.

    Take care

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  2. Such a hopefilled post. It takes strength to make those small steps.

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  3. Good for you! I have been dealing with the same question as I also had planned to spend this year as stay-at-home-mum. It is so difficult because nothing is appealing after the horrible shock that we won't be spending this year as planned. I still feel that I'm just doing stuff just to do stuff, rather than because I'm enthusiastic about it. Volunteering again sounds like a wonderful way to move forward!

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  4. Newest follower from a blog hop. Thank you for sharing your story. So many women keep it in and then it eats them up inside. I have never experienced this but can only imagine the pain and emptiness. I am not sure if you are a believer or not but I am praying for you and your families healing.

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  5. wow!your analogy of restarting life is amazing!LOVE how you are picking up the chalk once again!

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  6. Proud of you for getting out there. I would love to volunteer with something like that if we had it. I can't see why the school wouldn't want you back. I hope it works out for you!

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  7. I think it's great that you did this. I know after my first son died at birth my life line became the cat/dog shelter that I started volunteering at (it was much easier to stroke a cat / have a cuddle with a dog, than deal with people - particularly other mums - at times) and also the online loss forum I joined. I had to keep connected in some way to the loss I had experienced, because it just felt like such a huge part of me and I couldn't ignore it and how it had changed so much about my life.

    Best of luck. You are being incredibly brave. Sending love and warm wishes xxxx

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  8. By the way - if ever you want to meet up for a coffee, just let me know. x

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  9. Hi Nicola, is there a way to contact you? I can't view your blogger profile. Maybe you could email me and we can chat. findmynewnormal (at) gmail (dot) com

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  10. Thanks everyone for the encouragement. It's scary getting back out there.

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  11. Those are awesome, huge steps and show what compassionate caring person you are, to want to reach out to others in the midst of your own grief. It speaks volumes about who you are! I hope you feel encouraged as you make these steps forward ((hugs))

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