The next night I had another dream. In this one I was watching my friend's son who is 2. I had taken him to some kind of fair or carnival. I looked away for a moment and when I turned around he was gone. I looked frantically for him everywhere but couldn't find him. I started crying and yelling his name. But no matter where I looked, I couldn't find him. I remember thinking, what kind of terrible person am I? I lost my own son and now I've lost my friend's son as well. I was just getting ready to call my friend and break this terrible news when I woke up.
I think that both dreams are a sign that I am still trying to process what has happened to me over the past 5 months.
The second one seems to me to be more about my own guilt. The guilt that I didn't know anything was wrong with my baby. That as I was having fun and enjoying my pregnancy, he was dying and I didn't even notice. In the dream I looked away for a moment and my friend's son was gone. I didn't get to take him home from the fair, I had to make a call to his mother instead and tell her he was missing. Just as in real life I didn't get to take my son home from the hospital. Instead I had to make phone calls and send emails telling my family the bad news.
I had another dream a few days ago, but this one was a good one. In this dream I was newly pregnant again. I was looking at a tiny blob on an ultrasound screen. And I wasn't scared at all, I was just happy.
This is the dream that I hope will come true.