Saturday, 5 February 2011

More Strange Dreams

A few nights ago I had a very strange and disturbing dream. In this dream I was walking around in a park and this boy (probably around 2 or 3 years old) grabbed onto my leg and wouldn't let go. I asked this boy who he was and why he was holding on to me. He told me that I seemed like a nice mommy and asked if he could come home and live with me. I asked him who his mother was and where I could find her. I told him that he couldn't live with me because his family would really miss him if he moved in with me. He led me to a building where they were having a private party. There were a bunch of people and a bunch of balloons decorating the room. I carefully unwrapped the boy's arms from my leg and brought this child to his family. They greeted me with cheers and thanks for returning their son to them. Then I was told that I had to leave because I was not invited to the party. So I left, squeezing past the two bulky security guards blocking the doorway.

The next night I had another dream. In this one I was watching my friend's son who is 2. I had taken him to some kind of fair or carnival. I looked away for a moment and when I turned around he was gone. I looked frantically for him everywhere but couldn't find him. I started crying and yelling his name. But no matter where I looked, I couldn't find him. I remember thinking, what kind of terrible person am I? I lost my own son and now I've lost my friend's son as well. I was just getting ready to call my friend and break this terrible news when I woke up.

I think that both dreams are a sign that I am still trying to process what has happened to me over the past 5 months.

The first one reminds me about how I've always felt left out of the "Mommy and Daddy" club. We struggled with infertility for so long before I finally got pregnant. I thought we would never be allowed into this club by the bouncers. In this dream I was allowed in, but just for a second. Just long enough to bring the boy in and leave him with his real family. Just as in real life I am now in the club, but my child is not here with me. Like the boy in my dreams, my son has been taken from me. To a place where I cannot enter. 

The second one seems to me to be more about my own guilt. The guilt that I didn't know anything was wrong with my baby. That as I was having fun and enjoying my pregnancy, he was dying and I didn't even notice. In the dream I looked away for a moment and my friend's son was gone. I didn't get to take him home from the fair, I had to make a call to his mother instead and tell her he was missing. Just as in real life I didn't get to take my son home from the hospital. Instead I had to make phone calls and send emails telling my family the bad news.

I had another dream a few days ago, but this one was a good one. In this dream I was newly pregnant again. I was looking at a tiny blob on an ultrasound screen. And I wasn't scared at all, I was just happy.

This is the dream that I hope will come true.


  1. I hope the pregnant dream comes true too! :)

  2. I have had some horrid dreams this week too oddly. I am sure you are right about what they mean to you. I so hope the last one comes true for you, will be keeping everything very tightly crossed that it does.

  3. This must certainly be a dreaming week! I do hope that the last one comes true for you soon!

  4. Strange how dreams can tell us so much about the depths of our emotions. The third one is huge.. hoping for it be so for you on many levels.

  5. Wow, you write really beautifully. Your story is so heartbreaking, I am so sorry about your loss. And so sorry about your dreams- it is hard enough to live it but to dream about it doesnt seem fair. I hope your last dream comes true:-)

  6. Just came by from the kind words you left me.

    Was reading your story.

    The date that Lola died, if she had been in-utero, she would have touched 36 weeks to be exact. She was born on 35 weeks 5 days.

    I am scared of dreaming as of now.

  7. I just found your blog through FTLOB and I'm so overwhelmed by your story that my comment is going to be really stupid and meaningless but I just wanted to let you know that you have a new follower and that you've left an impact on me.


  8. I've always been plagued with nightmares and bad dreams. After my miscarriage I had an awful dream encounter with a 5 year old girl, who asked me how many children I had, and I said "None" and she cried and cried and said "how can you deny me?"

    I think they are helpful, but that doesn't stop them from being terribly painful.

    Love to you

    K x x

  9. Hope you have sweet wonderful warm sun shine dreams! I will be thinking of ya tonight when I take my PM's! :)
    I am your newest follower!! I love making new friends <3 Feel free to follow me back!

  10. Hi, I look forward to seeing you at Have a super week. :)