More Strange Dreams

A few nights ago I had a very strange and disturbing dream. In this dream I was walking around in a park and this boy (probably around 2 or 3 years old) grabbed onto my leg and wouldn't let go. I asked this boy who he was and why he was holding on to me. He told me that I seemed like a nice mommy and asked if he could come home and live with me. I asked him who his mother was and where I could find her. I told him that he couldn't live with me because his family would really miss him if he moved in with me. He led me to a building where they were having a private party. There were a bunch of people and a bunch of balloons decorating the room. I carefully unwrapped the boy's arms from my leg and brought this child to his family. They greeted me with cheers and thanks for returning their son to them. Then I was told that I had to leave because I was not invited to the party. So I left, squeezing past the two bulky security guards blocking the doorway.

The next night I had another dream. In this one I was watching my friend's son who is 2. I had taken him to some kind of fair or carnival. I looked away for a moment and when I turned around he was gone. I looked frantically for him everywhere but couldn't find him. I started crying and yelling his name. But no matter where I looked, I couldn't find him. I remember thinking, what kind of terrible person am I? I lost my own son and now I've lost my friend's son as well. I was just getting ready to call my friend and break this terrible news when I woke up.

I think that both dreams are a sign that I am still trying to process what has happened to me over the past 5 months.

The first one reminds me about how I've always felt left out of the "Mommy and Daddy" club. We struggled with infertility for so long before I finally got pregnant. I thought we would never be allowed into this club by the bouncers. In this dream I was allowed in, but just for a second. Just long enough to bring the boy in and leave him with his real family. Just as in real life I am now in the club, but my child is not here with me. Like the boy in my dreams, my son has been taken from me. To a place where I cannot enter. 

The second one seems to me to be more about my own guilt. The guilt that I didn't know anything was wrong with my baby. That as I was having fun and enjoying my pregnancy, he was dying and I didn't even notice. In the dream I looked away for a moment and my friend's son was gone. I didn't get to take him home from the fair, I had to make a call to his mother instead and tell her he was missing. Just as in real life I didn't get to take my son home from the hospital. Instead I had to make phone calls and send emails telling my family the bad news.

I had another dream a few days ago, but this one was a good one. In this dream I was newly pregnant again. I was looking at a tiny blob on an ultrasound screen. And I wasn't scared at all, I was just happy.

This is the dream that I hope will come true.