Saturday 19 February 2011

Back to School

I took a very big step this week. I went back to the school where I have been volunteering for the past 4 years. I've talked about the process that lead up this big step here and  here.

Thursday was the big day back. I have to say, I was more nervous than I thought I would be. I got to the school a bit early and stood outside just taking it all in.

I was going back. My mind was swimming with old memories. The last time I had been at the school was in June. I was heavily pregnant and really struggled trying to walk up all the fights of stairs in this old Victorian school. I recalled saying good bye to the children, being surrounded by them all in a group hug. Their small hands reaching for my bump to say good bye to my baby and hoping to feel him kicking. I had promised to send them an email once he was born to tell them his name and send them a photo. I never thought that I would be coming back this year. I thought I would be too busy with my new baby to be able to. "Things are so much different than I ever imagined," I thought to myself as I rang the buzzer to be let into the gate.

I nervously walked into the school. As I was signing in, the receptionist greeted me in a way that let me know she was glad to see me but was also quite aware of my situation. I felt a rush of relief knowing that everyone knew and I wouldn't have to field any "How is the baby" questions. I started to climb the stairs leading up to the classroom. The classroom is on the second floor of the school (which would be called the third floor in the US)  and there are no elevators, so it's quite a trek. My first thought was how much easier it is to climb the stair when you're not 6 months pregnant.

My anxiety level rose with each step. Was I going to be able to do this? Would I cry? Could I hold it together?

Twice I had to stop in the stairwell to take some deep breaths and compose myself. "These kids love me," I reminded myself, "and I love them. It's all going to be OK." So I took a deep breath and walked out of the stairwell and onto the second floor. Within minutes I was spotted by one of the kids who was on his way to the bathroom. I was greeted with a big hug from the happy smiling boy.

Moments later another student peeked her head out of the classroom. They had obviously been expecting me. The next thing I know I am being swarmed by a group of happy 11 year olds. They came running out of the classroom to greet me. Again, I found myself being surrounded by them in a group hug. It was a wonderfully familiar memory. I could see on their faces that they really were pleased to see me. I was happy to see them too.

The rest of my time that day went well. They all wanted to show me their latest art work and tell me about the books they are reading. They asked me if I was just coming back just this one time or if I would be coming every week. They seemed quite pleased when I told them that they would be seeing me on a weekly basis again.

Interestingly, none of them asked about my son. I was told that they were given a script of things that they could say to me, but none of them did. I suppose there will be questions down the line from some of them, and hopefully I will be ready to answer them.

I'm really happy that I took this huge and scary step. It has made me feel a stronger, and a bit more like my old self.

22 comments:

  1. It is a scary thing to go back to school...but you did it and I am glad it felt good. I hope every day you are there brings you more positive feelings than sad.

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  2. I'm glad it went well. I hope it gets easier for you. I'm sure it is a step in the right direction. Have a great weekend.

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  3. I'm so happy to hear you were so warmly welcomed back. You did great. I remember my first day back to something that meant a lot to me, and this post brought back a lot of those feelings.
    x

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  4. I'm glad your first day back at school went well. Those sound like great kids, no wonder you missed them :)

    Hope you have a good weekend!

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  5. I know a couple people who have had similar losses, I am so glad there are networks avaliable now to parents with this kind of huge loss. I am glad your first day went so well and am looking forward to hearing more. I hope you have a relaxing weekend. :)

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  6. Found you on the Weekend Wander. I wanted to say that, in that amazing manner that only the internet can foster, I love you and I'm amazed by you. Hugs from students are great and I'm so glad those children were so warmly and gently welcoming you back in.

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  7. I am so glad your day went well. Thinking about you...:))

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  8. Being a former teacher, there is nothing sweeter than students or former students giving you some attention.--- It's just a feeling of acceptance. So glad that it worked out well.

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  9. So sorry to hear about your loss.... such a brave step to go back to school and the memories of when you were last there. I can remember doing that - and can only say that it gets easier. Thank you for you comment on my post and looking forward to sharing the journey with you. I'm sure our little angels are playing in a peaceful place xoxo

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  10. How lovely that it went well. And how brave of you. My son's teaching assistant lost her baby earlier this year. She was 6 months pg at the time and all the kids were very excited about her baby. She was off for 2 months before returning and all the parents were given instructions to tell our kids not to ask her anything about the baby - if they were curious or wanted to know anything they had to ask the main teacher.

    I really felt for her. When I heard the news I was upset for days. It brought it all back. I wrote her a letter and bought her a beautiful candle with 3 wicks, which had been one of the presents that I had received after my loss that had meant so much (and still does - I light it every year on his birth anniversary). We met briefly at the school when she returned and hugged tight, looking at each other long and hard without really saying a word.

    My oldest son was very curious, because we do talk about his older brother Mack often. He very much wanted to tell her that his brother would look after her baby - but I know he didn't mention it in the end. I don't think she had any idea up until that point that we had endured something so similar.

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  11. i really heart you...what an amazing strength you have<3

    it sounds like the children love you so much, i hope that they will make you feel welcome...good for you.

    you are awesome. don't ever forget that.

    andrea

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  12. I'm so glad you shared this story.

    I recently visited the hospital where my son died. It was so hard, but I had a great time talking to his nurse. Some people never change--thankfully she's still smiling ;)

    http://ecwrites.blogspot.com/2011/01/zeke-strength-of-god.html

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  13. Well done you, what a marvellous step to take and how lovely to have all those children so pleased to see you. Mich x

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  14. I am so glad it all went well... I think we all secretly knew that it would but it took courage for you to take those steps. I'm hoping some of your 'old normal' will become your 'new normal' again. x

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  15. I found your blog through Mummy From The Heart. I cannot imagine the grief and pain you have experienced but I admire the truth and honesty in your blog. I'm so glad your return to the school went well for you. (I also blog anonymously to give me th freedom to write about situations i might not otherwise be able to)

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  16. Following you now from Weekend Wanderer.

    I'm so glad you had the courage to go back to school and SO glad it turned out so well. Your students' hugging you, smiling and genuinely being happy and excited to see you again must have felt so heartwarming! You seem to be in a very good place. Have a good weekend!

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  17. just found you via Maxabella's linky

    Reading this filled me with both sadness and warmth - sometimes children are the BEST at giving us the response we most need, aren't they?

    I am glad it went well for you

    Gill xo

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  18. This is so sweet. I am so glad you had a good first day back. Kids can be so good at giving us just what we need. xoxo

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  19. That is fantastic, you showed such strength. I am so glad that the children were so happy to see you and that it all went so well. A big yay is in order I think!

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  20. So glad to hear the first day back went well. That's a huge step... rejoining the world that you were a part of before your loss, and experiencing that you can be a part of it again, although I'm sure it will feel and be different.

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  21. I'm so glad it went so well for you. What a big accomplishment, you must feel so good! xx

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  22. Hello
    Glad I met you via your comment on my Guest Post at Mummy from the heart.
    What a beautiful post about something so difficult. You are a wonderul writer, you really conjured those lovely images of the students shyly peeking in and then swarming you. I think children have an amazing power to help adults heal (I'm an teacher too). I hope they continue to help you. Well done on that big first step x

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