One Perfect Heartbeat

What lovely words I've just typed as the title to this post.

One perfect heartbeat.

That's what The Hubby and I saw at our ultrasound today. Well actually what we saw was a fuzzy blob with a dense center that was flickering like crazy. Since this isn't our first pregnancy, we knew instantly that our little embryo was officially viable.

What an amazing feeling.

So here we go again. Our third pregnancy. Our second pregnancy after a devastating loss. Do they call the second pregnancy after a loss a rainbow baby too? Maybe that's just for the first one.

I feel very different than I did when I was pregnant with Frostina. I just went back and looked at my blog post after this same ultrasound and I realize that I am in a very different place now.

Obviously I have Frostina to chase around and keep me too busy to obsess about every little detail. But the biggest difference is that I'm not nearly as terrified. Of course I know all to well that things can and do go wrong. Of course I know just how devastating that can be. Yet somehow, I am able to be optimistic. In spite of everything, I feel hopeful, and that's something I was unable to feel at this early stage with Frostina's pregnancy.

So I hope that's progress. And obviously I hope and pray that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. I hope and pray that in July of 2014 we are able to bring this baby home to join our little family. I hope and pray for take-home baby number two!

I hope and pray.

Beta Results Are In

I know I'm late in posting about this so apologies all around.

Beta 1 and 2 results are in and I am officially pregnant!

I'm still in shock.

I'm already starting to feel nauseous which I'm seeing as a good sign. Only a newly pregnant woman wishes for nausea.

Anyway, ultrasound is in a week and half so now I'm praying for a heartbeat.

Wow, I still can't believe this is really happening.

Donor eggs really are amazing!

Of Course I Tested Early

Obviously we all know you are supposed to wait until beta test day to find out if your most recent assisted fertility treatments have worked.

But obviously I have ZERO patience so I always test early.

Just peed on a stick and the result is......... POSITIVE!

It's early days for sure and I won't know until beta day (next Tuesday) for sure. This could be a chemical pregnancy, but I'm hopeful that it's not.

Fingers crossed everyone!

P.U.P.O.

I'm officially PUPO. For those of you who have not had to burden yourselves with learning all the lingo and abbreviations that go along with infertility, PUPO means pregnant until proven otherwise.

The transfer went well. It was quite a whirlwind trip and I hardly had time to think about what was going on before it was over and done with. I missed Frostina, but not on the flights. I watched other parents walking up and down the aisles with their children and was sooooo happy it wasn't me for once.

We transferred one perfect embryo and had a couple left over to freeze. I'm hoping we won't need them, but it's nice to know they are there.

Stick little embryo, stick!

Now the dreaded 2 week wait.

Countdown To Transfer

Things have been crazy around here and I've been really bad at giving updates on my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle. I finally have a transfer date..... this Wednesday, the 6th of November. Eeek!

I've got my tickets booked to fly to the clinic and now I've just got to get my parents up to speed on Frostina's routine. Lucky me, I was able to fly to my parent's house last week so I can leave Frostina with them while I have my transfer done. The Hubby has to work out of town this week so if it wasn't them then I would have to hire my once-a-week babysitter for 3 days straight, including overnights. She was happy to do it, but I have no idea how much that would have cost me.

Probably less than a flight to the US, but my parents are absolutely loving all the extra time with their granddaughter so it's all worth it. Plus I don't have to worry nearly as much about her. All I have to worry about is staying sane and not freaking out too much between now and Wednesday.

I'm sure I will update you more this week since for at least a few days I won't have a super busy toddler to wrangle. Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to a plane ride without someone climbing all over me? One where I can actually read a book and watch a movie?

I'm doing my best to stay positive and am operating on the philosophy that this will work and in a few weeks I will be getting a positive pregnancy test, and after 9 months,,,, a healthy baby brother or sister for Frostina. Fingers and toes crossed.

Such A Cute View

Frostina was a bit of a late crawler which had me pretty worried for a while there. Once she got the hang of that it wasn't long until she was walking. It's been nice to finally see her being able to keep up with the other toddlers her age. *Side note- I love that I can say I have a toddler* She is having a blast exploring the world around her.

Now that she's walking I notice that I do a lot more chasing than I used to. She's getting really quick these days. Especially if I have forgotten to shut the baby gate or a door leading into a forbidden room. Then she's off with a squeal and a flash.

I find I spend quite a bit of time looking at the back of her, and the view is pretty cute. Don't you think?

Exploring our back garden

Checking out her shadow

On the way to the Halloween Parade

At the local park

Babyloss Rememberance Day

I so wish that this wasn't a day that I mark every year on the calendar.

Today and everyday I remember my beloved son. I also honor and remember all of your precious babies who you can only hold in your heart.

A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.

How To Spot A Fake Blogger

What happens when a blog you follow suddenly feels like it's not real? When it suddenly starts to read like fiction? When you go back into the archives and start to wonder if any of the horrible things that have happened to the writer actually happened?

What do you do?

I'm going to go slightly off topic today. Not because I have nothing else to say about missing my son, or about my ongoing donor egg IVF cycle. I have lots to say about that. But something has distracted me and I can't get it off my mind.

I am starting to think that a blog I read occasionally may be a fabrication. I know, it's a horrible accusation to make. After all, I've had devastating things happen to me: things I've written about here in this very space. Unthinkable things like babies dying after a perfectly normal pregnancy. Tragic things like picking up the pieces and starting over after life deals you one of the worst hands it's got.

I know these things do happen and that people do talk about them. But somehow this particular blog is starting to seem unreal. So many different horrible things have happened to it's author. And everything happens so fast. Jumping from one tragedy to another, like a soap opera.There's hardly a break before the next big thing.

If you are reading this post then I can assure you that your blog is not the one I'm talking about. I am almost 100% sure that the person who writes the blog in question doesn't follow mine. I don't think I've ever commented on her blog and I know for sure she's never commented on mine. My blog is small potatoes compared to hers so I'm pretty sure I'm not on her radar.

I had originally started following her story when it was nothing like mine. She had different struggles than I do but I was attracted to her writing and I wanted a happy ending for her.Yet it seems that each time she reaches the end of one struggle, another one quickly takes it's place. Things that are unrelated to the previous issue she was battling.

I actually stopped following her story quite a while ago, after something she was writing about didn't sit well with me. At the time I felt she was a bit smug and presuming and my interest in her journey started to wane. But I still check in from time to time and it was recently that I read something that made me start to doubt it all.

So I think I won't "pop" over to see what's next for her. I think I'm done. It's a shame, especially if it all turns out to be true and she really has had THAT many terrible things happen in succession. If it's all really true then I suppose it's shame on me for not believing. 

Has this ever happened to you? Do we take for granted that people who take the time to write and share their stories are telling the truth? Does it really matter?

The Same, But Very Different

I've started my Lupron injections which means my current donor egg IVF cycle is officially underway.

There are lots of ways that this cycle feels very much like the ones we did a couple of years ago. I have dug out my Bag 'O Meds from the garage and filled it up with a new batch of medication, needles, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, bandaids, and of course my sharps container. I have printed my injection schedule and am crossing off the days as they go.

I'm feeling like I remember feeling the last time I started on all the hormones. I have been crying at stupid things like X-Factor. Not that X-Factor is stupid of course, but it's nothing to cry over. I'm nervous and excited just like last time as well.

But this cycle is very different than last time for one huge reason; and that reason is Frostina.

It is very different going through an IVF cycle when you have a living child to take care of. The last time around I was broken and lonely and absolutely desperate for a living child. Not just to fill the hole left in my heart when my son died, but to finally complete our family. I spent hours upon hours obsessing over every detail of my upcoming cycle. I had everything mapped out. I had a special place to do my injections and quite a bit of mental warm up before each one. I was focused.

This time around I just don't have the time to be obsessed. I don't have the time to calm myself mentally before doing each injection. I don't have time to focus. This time around I have to work them around Frostina and her needs.

This means that my daily injections look a bit like this.

1. Wait until after Frostina has finished her morning milk. Otherwise she will run around the room with her sippy cup leaving a trail of milk in her wake.
2. Put a children's program on the TV (hooray for the electronic babysitter).
3. Quickly dash out of the room when she's not looking and go to my bedroom.
4. Collect Bag 'O Meds from the closet (where I have to hide it from Frostina).
5. Unpack meds and do injection.
6. If Frostina starts crying before I'm done, try my best to ignore her and hurry up.
7. Clean up, making sure not to leave anything behind that Frostina can get her hands on.
8. Go back out to the living room and hope she hasn't managed to get into anything she wasn't supposed to when I was gone. 

Thankfully once the Lupron is done I can do the rest of the injections in the evening after Frostina has gone to bed. That will make things much more calm.