Thursday, 10 November 2011

One Heartbeat Please

Tomorrow I have an appointment for my ultrasound to see if there's a heartbeat.

I'm so nervous about it.

I'm trying not to be but I can't help it. I've been having ultrasounds throughout my fertility treatments. Looking at my uterus, looking at my ovaries, and checking my lining. But this time there is a baby in there. A baby who either will or will not have a heartbeat. A pregnancy that will either be determined to be viable or non-viable.

I am freaking out. 

The last time I was in this situation was at 36 weeks with my son and I was told there wasn't one anymore. That's the day my whole life came crashing down around me. I've been trying to pick up the pieces ever since.

So now I feel like I'm back full circle. Looking for a heartbeat.

Again.

I feel like my whole life rests around whether there is a heartbeat or not. I'm trying to prepare myself to hear those awful words again,,, just in case. Like maybe if I prepare myself then it won't hurt as much. As if that's even possible.

I am trying so hard to be happy and excited about this pregnancy but all I feel right now is fear. I can hear the happiness and excitement in the voices of my family and the few close friends I have told. But I can't feel that way yet. Until I see that heartbeat tomorrow.

Then maybe I can breathe for a while.

So if you're the praying type I sure could use a few.

26 comments:

  1. Will do! I'm chanting 'one heartbeat please' along with you.

    Once you've been in that room and on that table when the heartbeat stops things are never the same. I wish you a healthy pregnancy free of the fear and anxiety you're feeling right now. It is so hard to push past that fear, but you deserve to enjoy every minute of this hard won pregnancy.

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  2. Sending up prayers and hope for that heartbeat.

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  3. I will definitely be praying for you guys.

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  4. You'll definitely be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow xxx

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  5. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

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  6. Sending all kinds of prayers up for you two!

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  7. C'mon li'l one, let's hear your heart! Sending thoughts and prayers your way. x

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  8. Sending it all your way for a beautiful heartbeat tomorrow!!

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  9. I know that feeling and it blows. REALLY, REALLY hoping you have a flicker in there!

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  10. Full blast prayers, finger crossing and promise making coming your way.

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  11. Hoping with you. Looking forward to good news in tomorrow's post! Praying for moments of peace and joy to overwhelm the fear.

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  12. I won't tell you not to worry because we know that isn't possible. These types of doctor appointment are scary every.single.time! I pretty much quit praying, but for this I will give it a go. Will be hoping to hear good news tomorrow, come on little flicker!

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  13. Breathe deep. Think positive. Breathe deep. Think positive. Breathe deep. Think positive. ..........

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  14. I'm right here with you. We are supposed to see the heartbeat for the first time on Saturday, and I want to put it off because I'm convinced there won't be one and I'd just rather not go through that. Not quite yet. Fingers crossed for both of us.

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  15. Can't wait to hear your good news. Sending loads of positive thoughts your way.

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  16. Sending lots of prayers your way

    xoxo

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  17. Ahhh! Can't wait to hear. We saw two heart beats last friday at our 6w1d appointment and I was in utter awe... I so hope you get to see one too. Big big hugs.

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  18. I hope that your "New Normal" includes what you so desperately want, a healthy baby in your arms.

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  19. thinking of you and hoping for all the best. oxo

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  20. Hope your appointment brings nothing but joy!

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  21. I was nervous before every scan too. Fingers and toes crossed for you. A silent, hopeful prayer whispered heavenward for a healthy growing bub and for a brave, courageous mumma.

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