I seem to have some sort of bloggers block. There is plenty of stuff going on in my life these days but I can't seem to get them out of my head. Normally the words come freely but for some reason the past week I've had nothing to write about. I do know that I'm in a lot of denial about actually being pregnant and perhaps that's the problem.
My blog posts are mostly written in quick short bursts. Very train-of-thought with hardly any editing. I sit down and let the emotions and words flow out of me. Denial and repression make this more difficult. Because if you're trying hard to not think about things too much then there's not much left to write about.
We have told a few very close friends about this pregnancy. Each time the response is joy and happiness which I am not always able to reciprocate. One person actually asked me if I was happy about being pregnant again. My response was that it's hard to be happy when you're terrified. Which is not to say that I'm not absolutely thrilled to have another chance at a take home baby. I am, but it's hard to allow myself to go there just yet.
My natural response this time around is self-protection. Logically I know that even if I do "deny and protect" it won't hurt any less if things go wrong. I know that allowing myself to feel joy won't make it any more or less likely that something bad will happen. But at the moment I'm still feeling very guarded. It's almost as if keeping the news to myself and not starting to get prepared will somehow protect me and this baby from harm.
Just putting the pregnancy ticker on this blog page was a huge step for me. I actually got nervous before hitting the publish button. I have yet to submit my good news to LFCA (which is a great site if you haven't checked it out before) for fear that somehow it's still not real. I haven't bought any pregnancy or baby books yet either. My old books were tossed out when we lost our son. I just signed up for the babycentre weekly updates and it still feels weird.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that it is indeed happening. I am growing a baby in here.
I know I'm all over the place and perhaps that's to be expected. I also know that this baby deserves all my love and support and all the things I did for his/her older brother. So I need to get over this denial and start accepting what's happening. And perhaps even allowing myself to be happy about it without the stabs of fear that are accompanying it right now.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
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ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Of course it's natural to feel the way you're feeling. I hope that the time goes by quickly for you and that you're able to find moments where you let feeling happy kick the feeling terrified's arse.
ReplyDeleteI think your feelings are completely normal. It's hard to embrace something when you are so afraid of losing it, and you know that (at least at this point), there's little you can do to affect things one way or another. I hope as the weeks go on, you find yourself able to balance the fear with lots of hope and happiness.
ReplyDeleteDenial, keeping it in...these are things you are not alone in. I do believe with time you will allow this baby growing inside to be a less fearful and more exciting of an experience. Don't feel what you think others think you should be feeling...let that part be you, you when your ready to feel excited ect. hugs mama to be,
ReplyDeleteFelicia
I wish I could take away your fear. I hope that you can enjoy this pregnancy, but even if you worry the whole time, it will be worth it to bring home your little bundle of joy. Keep writing and keep telling us how your feeling, we'll be here for you.
ReplyDeleteEverything you are feeling is normal, at least its a lot of how I have felt/ been feeling this pregnancy and from what I read a lot of other blm's are dealing with also. I go through phases where one day or even a whole week I am happy and so excited about this pregnancy and that this baby might come home and the next I am freaking out that everything is gonna go to hell again. It's so hard though.
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best with this pregnancy.
Hugs to you. You are so brave to post, and have helped me decide that I, too, will post my TTC-via-ART-after-loss journey. I'm keeping you in my thoughts...
ReplyDeleteYou've been through so much... and is so normal to try protecting yourself. My heart goes out to you and hopefully each day will get easier. Love always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI would be surprised to read anything different.
ReplyDeleteI think I was in full and complete denial until at least 12 weeks with this pregnancy. And after that, I was trying to avoid the thought of anything pregnancy-related until I started feeling movement.
Even now, I'm still so terrified that there isn't much happiness involved. I imagine it's possible to balance both happiness and fear, but when one is all-consuming, it challenges the other side of thought. I was talking with a mother of 3 who had a stillborn baby 32 years ago today. I always update her on how I'm doing because she lost her firstborn just as we did. I told her about my L&D visit on Sunday and how I'm paranoid and just would do anything to fast forward. She told me that she really had to explain to people that every ounce of joy from pregnancy was stripped from her once her daughter died. She even had 3 pregnancies after (all boys, btw. Hah). We are not alone. Mothers who endured our losses have been saying the same thing for ages. We're just coming around to our turn. Hopefully this "turn" means we'll be taking home a baby as well.
Thinking of you.
Yes, allow yourself the happiness that is entitled to you.... as an expectant mother.....
ReplyDeleteI am 23 weeks along with my 'rainbow' baby, after my daughter was stillborn about a year and a half ago. For me, I still have days of denial and protection, and then I'll have days where I mainly just feel excited and happy, then I'll go back to not wanting to get my hopes up. I'm learning that that's ok, and to just go with those feelings as they come. This pregnancy after loss thing is HARD. Really hard. But I just keep telling myself that if I can get through the death of my first born daughter, I can get through anything. One day at a time. XO
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm a new follower from weekend warrior blog hop. Congrats :0) It ok to be a little anxious keep writing, keep talking, keep sharing and eventually you should feel better.
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