Monday, 7 November 2011

Finding My New Normal - A Year On

Wow, I can't believe I've been blogging here at Finding My New Normal for a whole year now. Well, actually it's been a year and two days. The actual anniversary was on the 5th of November but I was on a plane flying over the Atlantic Ocean and was unable to post. I could have pre-planned something and have it scheduled to post on that day but I've been away visiting family and am not nearly that organized.

When I first started this blog I was a broken woman. My son had died and I was overcome with grief. Frozen in a lot of ways. We were getting ready to go home and visit the family. A trip that we did every year, except that this year was supposed to be different. We were supposed to be bringing our new baby for everyone to meet. But life had other plans for us.

Instead of bringing our new bouncy baby home, we were bringing his ashes home in a tiny urn. I still remember that feeling when I got the suitcase out of the closet to get ready to pack for that trip back home. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pack for 2 people when I should have been packing for 3 people. That empty suitcase prompted my first ever blog post. And thus, Finding My New Normal was born.

It was rough going in the beginning. I was a total rookie to the world of blogging. Looking back I can see that I struggled to find my voice. Partly because writing down my thoughts was new to me, and partly because I just had too many thoughts to sort through. I was deep in the trenches of grief and filled with raw emotion. I can see it all in my early posts. The sadness, the anger, the devastation. It makes me cry to even skim through some of those early posts because it puts me right back there.

I've always written this blog for me, and in the beginning that's who was reading it,,,, me.

I didn't have any followers at first. For a long time I figured I wouldn't ever have any. I mean, who wants to read a blog about a dead baby?? If I had not lost my son I know I sure wouldn't have. But amazingly, this new version of me was hoping there were other women out there like me. So my search began to find some other BLM's (although I didn't know that's what we were called yet).

It's not easy to search for blogs,,,, did you know that? Especially when you have never read any blogs before. So my task was not an easy one. But somehow I managed to find a few women who were struggling like me. I stalked their sidebars and comment sections for others. And soon I had found a group of amazing women who were trying to move on with their lives after losing a baby. Women who understood how I felt. It was so nice to know I wasn't alone out there. I started following them, and to my surprise, they started following me back.

I have found so many amazing bloggers on this journey. In the beginning I connected most with women who had suffered a loss like mine. As time went on I reached out to my fellow infertiles for support as well. I have also connected with bloggers who aren't like me at all. Because we all struggle with something, and we all need support at times. I've found an amazing community here in bloggy land.

After a month or so of blogging I knew I was hooked. Inside my head all these emotions were flying around that I didn't know how to deal with. It was when I sat down to write that I was able to make sense of them.

It's almost like I have to take them out of my head and put them down on paper (or the computer screen) in order to sort them out. As a non-writer this concept amazed me. Not only was I able to figure out exactly how I was feeling, but I also got feedback from people who have walked in my shoes. I wasn't crazy,,, I was just grieving. I can't tell you how much that helped me.

A year on I am sitting in such a different place. A place I couldn't have even imagined a year ago when I was buried in the fog of my grief. I am still grieving my son of course. But it's not the overwhelming burden it once was. It's forced it's way into my life and found a way to fit in with everything else. I am able to feel joy and happiness again. I am able to have good days where I don't cry. I am able to understand that some days I still need to cry and that's ok too.

I am pregnant again. Wow, that brought out some tears,,, give me a minute or two to compose myself.

I am still in total shock about being pregnant again. It's still very early days and one thing I've learned is that a positive pregnancy test does not ensure a healthy take home baby. But I'm hopeful which is something I wasn't sure I could be after my loss.

So have I found my new normal yet? That really was the intended goal of this blog. To help me figure out what to do next. To figure out who to be next. To figure out how to live a life without my son.

I suppose in some ways I have. In other ways I've still got a long way to go. But life is about the journey, and this blog is

15 comments:

  1. I consider myself extremely priveleged to have been a reader of yours since the almost beginning, and its amazing, as a reader, to see how your voice has changed, and how you've progressed, and how healing has happened in your life - I hestitate to say that as you will always be broken by the loss of your son, always, but there has certainly been progress.

    And I have to thank you because more people have come to my blog via yours than from ANY other source, so a huge thank you, and I am so glad you are part of my blogging life.

    It's so funny, because I think of your name as Blossom, due to your background, I can't bear to think of you as "normal"!!!

    Congrats on the pregnancy!

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  2. Happy Blogoversary....

    Isn't it strange how life can change over the course of an year?

    Take Care!

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  3. Happy Blogoversary! Reading this I realize how much can change in a year. Huge changes. I am looking forward to reading how this year will bring you closer to your 'new normal'. :)

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  4. Happy Blogoversary! It's it amazing to look back and see wehre you were, how far you've come, all that has happened. That's one of the things I love about blogging and of course all the wonderful people I continue to meet through it.....like you. Sharing in your story and your journey and hoping that this pregnancy is your bring home baby. Its funny cause it wasn't until when I discovered your blog I started to pray for those in blogland. You were the first, your story is what inspired me....it was almost like I was clueless that someone else went through anything remotely similar to me. Since then my prayer list has grown to include other bloggers I've never met but some how in my heart its like I already know you.

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  5. Happy Blogiversary. What a difference a years makes. I am so happy for you and your husband and pray that your pregnancy is healthy and happy. And that you bring home your happy & healthy baby boy/girl. Love that you are so honest and raw. Take care.

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  6. Happy blogiversary. I've only been reading for a bit, but found you through searching for blogs I could relate to after the second trimester loss of my twins. It's so good for me to read the thoughts of women who are further along in the grief process than I am, to see how things are later on down the road, sort of as a head's up to me. The fact that you're pregnant again through ART is doubly important since our twins were conceived through ART and we're about to try again that way. I need all the hope I can get, and I'm so excited for this stage of YOUR journey!

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  7. Yours was one of the first blogs I found once I started looking. I know I was amazed to find so many moms like me. So thankful for this space and I look forward to following your journey wherever you new normal leads.

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  8. This community is amazing! So much love and support all around. Glad it has helped you through a difficult year.

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  9. Congrats on a year of writing your way through your grief. Your honesty and bravery in sharing touch my heart, as you know. I feel lucky to have found your site, and luckier still to be able to share your words with our readers. Congratulations on your pregnancy - will be sending warm and healthy thoughts your way.

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  10. Happy blog anniversary! Thank you for sharing your words with us.

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  11. I found blogs the same way you did, and it still makes me intensely proud and also devestated to know there are that many blms out there. Seriously, how is this possible?

    You have a tremendous voice, and I'm so glad to read along with your current pregnancy. Sending you so much hope. xox

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  12. Your blogging journey is similar to mine. I remember when I found the first blog related to baby loss - I think I googled something like "suriving the death of my baby" and I found a woman's blog. I was amazed. Reading her words... it was like she was inside my head. And that day I was in so much pain and felt crazy. I realized I wasn't, and was so relieved to find out I wasn't alone in this journey of grief and loss as a BLM. And then I too started blogging, and slowly connecting with other women. blogging was a life-line for me, and it still brings me so much comfort to come to these on-line spaces.

    And - CONGRATS!!!! on your pregnancy. Lots of love to you and your growing baby!

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  13. Such a beautiful post... your blog was one of the very special ones that inspired me to start mine earlier this year... thank you so much and so so happy about your pregnancy :)) xoxo

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  14. What a great post. You have given so much to those who follow behind you. I hate to see them come this way but I am grateful they have you as a resource.

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