Egg Donor 2.0 Has Been Selected

Ever since we made the decision to try for another baby things have been very slowly moving forward. Things always take longer than we think they will for various reasons but we finally got all the preliminary steps out of the way and were granted access to chose donor 2.0.

Choosing an egg donor is tricky business. Back in 2011 when we were choosing Frostina's donor I wrote about my struggles here and here. I just went back and re-read both posts and have to say that it was pretty much the same this time around.

Sure we knew how to do it and yes it wasn't nearly as overwhelming this time around. But this time around there was a third point to consider. Did we want to pick a donor that looked like Frostina? After all, if this whole thing works then this person will be Frostina's sibling. So considering we couldn't use the donor we did for her, should we try and find a donor who looks similar?

I know, I know, looks aren't everything. And of course we looked for a proven donor with a good medical history. But what I have learned is that looks do matter a bit. I don't mean attractive or not attractive, I mean looking like Mommy or Daddy.

People are obsessed with looks when it comes to babies. They examine every nook and cranny of your little one trying to determine who he or she looks like. If I had a pound for every time I hear how Frostina looks nothing like me I'd be a very rich woman. So this time around we did take this into consideration.

In the end I think we found a donor who ticked all the boxes. So now we pay the clinic and get this party started!

Happy 3rd Birthday In Heaven

My beautiful beloved little boy,

I can't believe it's been 3 years since we said hello and good bye to you. There are times when it feels like just yesterday. And there are times when it seems like a million years ago. Your daddy and I love you very much and we miss you like crazy.

I know it might not seem like it nowadays since we are so busy taking care of your little sister, but we haven't forgotten you.

You are still there... just pushed a little bit back in our minds. Not because we don't love you... but because it's not possible to focus enough on taking care of your sister while thinking of you constantly.

In the beginning it was easy to think of you night and day. But now that Frostina is here, we have to focus on her.

Please know that you are not being pushed aside. You are merely working your way into the patchwork of our lives. You have become part of the thread that holds this family together. We were not the same before you, and we will never be the same since we lost you. It is because of you that we are the strong, loving family we are today.

We appreciate everything so much more now that we know just how it feels to lose someone we loved so much. Even though we never got to know you, we love you and miss you everyday.

So while you may not be the first thing we think of when we wake up anymore. While you may not be the last person we think of before we fall asleep anymore. While we don't cry ourselves to sleep each night missing you anymore. Please know that you are still an essential part of our new family,,,, and an even more essential part of our new normal. Without you there would be no us. You will always be a very special and important part of our lives.

Oh, and I hope you don't mind that we let Frostina play with your birthday balloon for a few days before we released it. She just loved it so much and we figured you would be old enough now to want to share.

Love always,

Mommy and Daddy, and your little sister, Frostina.

Feeling The Tug

We're back from our summer holiday in the USA and back on London time. Wow, what a struggle that was! Jet lag plus little people is an awful combination. But alas in the life of an expat, jet lag is just part of the package.

It was so lovely to see Frostina interact with the family. It's amazing how much joy and light a baby toddler can bring to a room. She was showered with love and totally spoiled... basically she loved every minute of it. I had lots of free time while everyone was spoiling Frostina so I loved every minute of it as well.

Frostina is almost walking. I think she could already do it if she had the confidence. Sometimes when she's cruising she takes both hands off the wall and takes a few steps. I know it's just a matter of time before I will be chasing after her. In the meantime she's moving all over the place and it's super cute to see.

Just a little baby yoga at my Great Grandmother's house.

I do feel a bit more of a tug back home now that we have Frostina. In the old pre-children days, these visits were fun but they didn't make me want to leave our life in London. This time around, leaving was hard. And now that I'm back I do feel like maybe she is missing out by not being closer to family.

I know logically that even if we do move back to the US, it will most likely not be back where we came from. Which means we will most likely be on the other side of the country and therefore not really any closer to our family. But my heart does wish that we could move back there sometimes.

I'm not quite ready to leave the UK, but I can feel the tug much stronger than ever before. 

Jet Lag Is A Bitch

We are back in the UK after a wonderful trip home to the US to see family.

It's great to see family and watch Frostina interact with her family. But the coming home part sucks ass.

We are back to a land where it is 8 hours ahead,,,, after an almost 11 hour flight,,, with a 14 month old,,,,,,,

The plane ride was not so nice.

Our first night home was even worse.

Frostina went down at her normal 7pm bed time. Then she was up at 1am. Somehow thinking her bed time was just a nap.

So I was up with her from 1am until 4:30am until she finally went back to bed.

It's currently 9:45pm on day two.

Please let her sleep through the night!

Jet lag is a bitch!

Quick Catch Up

Hello all and apologies for not posting. We are home in the US visiting family and it's been busy, busy, busy.

We are having a great time and Frostina is enjoying swimming in various family member's pools and even in a lake. She's quite a water baby.

I am getting an actual tan for the first time in forever and am enjoying having all the extra hands to help out with my ever more mobile toddler.

I'll post more once we get home. Just wanted to do a quick catch up.

Family Holiday

We are on holiday! Or on vacation for my American friends. It's not the first time we have travelled with Frostina, but this is the first time it really feels like a family holiday.

We are somewhere in the sunny south of France and are loving every minute of it. My parents are here as well, visiting from the US, which makes it even more special.

Today we spent time hanging out at the pool. A first for Frostina who absoultely loved it. She was so cute splashing around. A true water baby.

So here's the view from where I'm sitting. What a lovely view it is!

Yes, that is an actual photo of Frostina. Even from the back you can see just how cute she is!

Crawling At Last

We have mobility at last! It's about freaking time!

I have been worried for a long time that Frostina wasn't crawling. When all the other babies in her playgroup were crawling around, she was happy to sit and play. She knew how to roll but hardly ever did it. Instead, she would play happily until she wasn't happy anymore. Then she would cry until I moved her to a new toy or the jumperoo or brought something interesting for her to play with.

Clever girl had me trained well.

She has been cruising for a while now and I started to think that she would be one of those babies who skipped crawling and went straight to walking. This was OK in theory, but I still worried that by not crawling she would miss some kind of development milestone that could hurt her in the future. *Note- I realise I sound completely neurotic, and I am. I accepted this fact about myself when it comes to Frostina a long time ago.

So imagine how shocked I was today when she decided that she wants to crawl. I swear it came out of nowhere. She has been rocking on all fours for a while now but no signs of real movement. I think all her new found mobility when she's cruising has motivated her to not just want to sit in one spot anymore. She was crawling and doing this funny scoot all over the place today.

The hubby and I are so proud of our little crawler. I know a year is quite late to get started, but we're so pleased she's finally figured it all out. 

I suppose it's finally time to do some real childproofing now.

Homecoming, A Year On

A year ago today we brought Frostina home from the hospital.

I was still in complete awe, amazed that I actually had a living baby to bring home this time. Coming home with baby in tow was so much better than the time before when I came home empty handed.

The house had gone from being completely lacking in baby things to overflowing with baby things. A sea of pink as I recall. It was a wonderful day even though I was super tired and still sore from my c-section.

A year later and my house is still overflowing with baby things. It never ceases to amaze me at how easily your house can fill up with baby equipment and toys. Some things, like her swing, have already been moved into the garage. So the pile up in there grows as well.

She is still not really crawling but she's an avid cruiser. She only cruises to the right at the moment which is pretty funny. As a solution I have placed chairs and her toys in a circle so she can keep cruising non-stop. Before I came up with my circular "cruising track" I had to keep picking her up and moving her back to the left whenever she reached the end of the line.

I also made the phone call today to have my saline sonogram done. It's one of the prep steps we have to do before we can move forward with trying for rainbow baby number two. As long as my uterus looks clear and healthy then we can take that leap.

A year ago I was staring at my tiny newborn with wonder. Today I stare at my almost toddler with the same wonder. I hope that feeling never goes away.

Happy Birthday Frostina

Today my beautiful baby girl turns 1.

I am overjoyed and without words.

For so many years I thought I would never reach this day.

Or any day where a living child of mine would reach her first birthday.

A day where I would be planning her birthday party.

A day where I would be inviting her playgroup friends over to help celebrate.

A day when I would buy expensive champagne to toast her first birthday.

It's a wonderful day, and I am so very lucky.

I Can Look At Babies Again

I've always loved children and babies,,, always.

I started as a very young babysitter for all the children in my neighbourhood. In fact, I babysat until I figured out that all the rest of my friends were going to parties that I was missing out on. I had dreams about my future babies; what I would name them, how I would dress them, and how they would fit into my life.

I loved when I would catch a baby smiling at me from across the room. That little cute face with it's little toothless smile. Ahhh, it used to melt my heart. I'd do anything for that moment.

And then something happened. My baby died at 36 weeks.

My beloved son died before he had a chance to be born. I will never forget seeing him for the first time, lifeless in the bassinet the hospital provided for him. Just a shell of a real baby, there but not there. His body was intact yet I knew his soul had already passed on.

After that I couldn't look at another baby. Whenever I passed a mother with her baby buggy I would look away, not wanting to see her living baby mocking me. Babies became a reminder of what I had lost. Each cute toothless smile was like a knife in my heart. "Look at me, I didn't die," they would say to me. "My Mom did something right and protected me, unlike you did for your baby."

Seeing a living baby became a slap in the face.

So I avoided babies for a very long time. As much as a person can avoid babies when she lives in a town full of babies.

But something has changed. Changed as a result of having my wonderful rainbow baby Frostina in my life. I can now look at babies again.

It came slowly I think, or maybe I'm just slow to notice it. But somewhere along the way, looking at babies doesn't hurt as much. Just today I was out without Frostina and I caught myself noticing all the baby girls I came into contact with. I was trying to figure out if they were older than her, or younger. If they were cuter than her or not,,,, of course none of them were cuter than she is!

That's when it hit me. I can look at babies again without it taking my breath away. Looking at babies used to be a grief trigger for me, but not anymore.

Now I just look at babies and smile again.