I've Supported Return To Zero, Will You?

I've seen a few posts around the blogosphere about a movie that's being made about stillbirth. I won't link them all but I will post a link to Still Standing where the director is interviewed about the project.

Obviously the film is still under production so I haven't seen the finished product yet. But what I like is that it is written by a Baby Loss Dad. Not just someone who is exploring what it might be like to lose a child, but someone who has actually been through the hell that is stillbirth. Someone who knows what it's like to hear those horrible words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." Someone who has to deliver a baby they know is no longer alive. Someone who has to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on with life. A life that is never the same, even when people think you must be "all better" by now.

As you can imagine, the studios in Hollywood are not breaking down doors to fund this film. Apparently even with big stars like Minnie Driver attached to the project, a film about a dead baby is having trouble getting financial backers.

Here's where you can help. If you click on this link you can get lots more information on the film. Plus you can donate money to help make sure it can be completed and released for the public to see. I did, and hopefully you will too.

I should mention that this is NOT a sponsored post. I don't do sponsored posts and the makers of this movie have no idea I'm writing about them here. Partly because I don't know them and didn't tell them and partly because I donated in my real name and I blog here anonymously. So I'm pretty sure there will be no way for them to ever figure out that I'm the one helping to promote them.

I don't ask for much around here, but the idea that a film is being made that can help break the stigma and silence surrounding stillbirth really moves me. So help if you can, even $1 will do.

Teeth At Last?

It's been a while since I've given a Frostina update. I sometimes get so wrapped up in all my emotions and what-not that I forget I have this amazing little person living with me. So here goes...

She is 8 months old now and so much fun. Her favourite thing is the Winnie the Pooh jumperoo that I got her for Christmas. I swear, that kid would spend 24/7 in that thing if I would let her. She is also obsessed with TV clickers and any type of mobile device. Which means The Hubby and I are constantly hiding our phones and blackberries from her. A couple of days ago she found the TV remote and almost blew out the speakers when she hit the volume button until it was maxed out.

She's sitting up on her own with hardly any support which is amazing to me. She still hates tummy time so I've got to catch her in just the right mood in order to make it happen.

She knows how to roll over from front to back but hardly does it. Instead she will cry when she's sick of being on her tummy until I come to rescue her. She can almost roll from back to front, but since she hates being on her tummy I can't see her doing that anytime soon.

If she spends enough time on her tummy she will do this thing where she raises her butt in the air and tries to move forwards. But mostly she will just cry until I come over to sit her up which is her favourite way to spend her time not in the jumperoo.

She is making some hilarious noises these days. In addition to babbling and cooing, she is prone to squealing and making what I like to call "monster noises." She loves to laugh and smile. She also likes to shake her head back and forth, especially when I sing to her.

Oh, and I think we are finally getting some teeth. In fact, I think we are getting two teeth at once. It's hard to know since she won't let me peek in to see them. Every time I try and open her mouth she sticks her tongue out so I can't see anything. But I'm pretty sure they are almost here.

Crying In Toy Stores

At some point I would like to be able to report that I am no longer crying in public places. I'd like to report that I no longer have flashbacks that bring me to tears. I'd like to be able to report that I don't have random crying jags anymore. Today is not going to be that day.

Apparently I am stuck with this new found propensity for crying in public. Actually, it's not that new anymore. It's been happening since my son died almost 2 and a half years ago. Wow, typing that just made me realize that it's been almost 2 and a half years since we said good bye. That's a long time.

I stopped carrying around my sunglasses because I thought perhaps I was past this whole thing. Really I should have known better after what happened when I took Frostina to see Santa. But clearly I am still in denial that my emotions are so much closer to the surface than they used to be.

The Hubby and I just got back from a week away. It was nice to be on vacation in America without the obligation of visiting family and basically being passed around like an expat ping pong ball. We had lots of time to sight see and shop without having to worry about balancing our time between his and my family. It was a very nice week away.

On the last day we decided to kill some time before we had to go to the airport by doing some shopping. Naturally we ended up in a toy store. It's a whole new experience being in a toy store now that we have a living baby to buy things for. She's still a bit too young to tell us what she wants, but she was clearly enthralled with the store. They obviously know how to capture even a babies interest at the Disney Store because she was oohing and aahhing and squealing with laughter. It was one of the funniest things I've seen.

As we were browsing the princess section I burst into tears. I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot. I mean, seriously, who cries at the Disney Store??? Me apparently.

The Hubby was completely confused. "What's wrong?" he asked me. Nothing was wrong of course. I was just overwhelmed at the fact that we actually have a baby who we can buy princess toys for, and princess outfits, and princess crowns.... you get the idea.

For so long I thought this day would never come. The day when we went to toy stores like normal people and got toys for our child. The day when I would no longer rush past toy stores trying not to look in and see other people and their happy children.

This day I was one of those parents. A happy parent pushing around my happy, squealing baby. My happy baby who I could buy a princess toy for. Not that I looked like a happy parent with tears streaming down my face,,, but I'm working on that part.

So,,, Are You Going To Try For Another One?

To try for another baby, that is the question.

It's the question that The Hubby has been asking me since Frostina was a few months old. It's the question that friends and family are starting to ask now that Frostina is almost 8 months old. It's the question that I have been asking myself.

It's the question I don't know how to answer.

Would I like another living child? Of course I would. If they just walked around passing out healthy babies I'd grab one in a hot second. If The Hubby and I could just live our lives and "see what happens" and get pregnant with little or no effort, I'd probably take a chance.

If our firstborn son hadn't died in utero at 36 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy with Frostina hadn't been filled with panic and fear, I'd start trying again today.

But that's not how things work for us. Well actually, the first part doesn't happen for anyone... unless there is a place where they just knock on doors and give deserving families healthy babies... if so I'll move there tomorrow. The way things work for The Hubby and I is much more complicated.

Trying for another baby would be a very deliberate process. A process we would be walking into knowing exactly how it would work. Knowing exactly how hard it would be. Knowing exactly how it feels when things work out. And knowing exactly how it feels when things don't work out.

I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out. The tears when my period comes after a failed cycle. The extra hormones and severe cramping that come along with it. The feeling of failure and hopelessness. Having to work myself up to try another cycle, trying to stay positive, trying to imagine that it will work the next time.

I also know exactly how it feels when a cycle does work, and you get pregnant. When you buy baby things, pick out names, and have a baby shower. I know exactly how it feels to get to 36 weeks of pregnancy and have it all taken away with 6 little words, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I know just how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on after a blow like that.

And pick up the pieces we did. We took a chance and after jumping through a lot of hurdles, we now have our little baby Frostina. She is the joy in our hearts and we wouldn't have her if we hadn't been willing to take a huge risk and leap of faith. I can't imagine my life without her and I don't regret for one moment all that it took to get her here.

But to do it again? I don't know.

After over 10 years I'm finally a parent to a living baby. That emptiness and yearning and desperation that comes with wanting a living child and not having one has been filled. Yes, I'm still infertile,,, but for the first time in a very long time I'm not obsessing about it. My life isn't dictated by my cycles and medications and exams. I no longer worry about when my period comes or if CD-whatever falls on a Sunday when the clinic would be closed.

For the moment I am free of all that. Free. Freedom feels wonderful.

Do we want to try again? Do we owe it to Frostina to give her a living sibling? Or are we happy being a family of 3 plus an angel?

I don't have any issue with raising an only child. I am not one of those people who think that only children are somehow damaged by not having a living brother or sister. But in my pre-infertility and loss beginnings I always pictured myself parenting two children. Notice how I say parenting. I do view myself as a mother of two. It's just that I only get to parent one of my babies.

If The Hubby and I were younger I would take a few years and see how I feel. But we're not young, and even though we will use an egg donor again, we don't want to be too old when a future potential child is born. So there is a time constraint in place, a deadline of sorts. He wants to know by the time Frostina turns one.

So now I've got to decide if I'm ready to jump back on the infertility wagon. Ready for the injections and cycle dates. Ready for the chance of another living baby. Ready for the chance of another loss.

The chance of another loss is where I get stuck.

These are all the issues we had to deal with before getting pregnant with Frostina of course. Only this time things are different. This time there isn't as big of a hole to fill. This time we already have our rainbow baby. So maybe we should just enjoy her and cherish her. Maybe we should thank God for giving us Frostina and move on with our lives. Maybe we shouldn't risk it again, tempt fate again.

Should we try for another baby?? I have no idea at this point.

Traveling Internationally With Baby- 10 Thing I've Learned

Travelling with a baby can be a daunting and difficult task. Especially if you're travelling internationally. We are on our second trip to the US since having Frostina and I am learning more and more each time. Here's some of what I've learned this trip.

1. Travelling with a 7 month old is harder than travelling with a 5 month old. I guess the more they can and want to move around, the harder it is.
2. If you book a bassinet on the aeroplane and it is the kind that attaches to a shelf with straps, your baby will not sleep in it. Instead she will play with the straps for 7 hours or so and only sleep for 45 minutes (and only then because you rocked her to sleep in the aisle). 
3. I have totally missed the USA and it's customer service. We checked into the hotel and because we had Frostina with us they offered us a fridge and microwave without us even having to ask. Not to mention the upgrade to a "pure" room which is basically a normal room with an air filter in it. But still, clean air is clean air.
4. Frostina is a total trooper. She loves the buggy and loves being pushed around it in new places. 
5. She is also great at restaurants, although we've yet to test her much past 5pm. To be fair, I take her to breakfast, coffee, and lunch all the time. But I've always avoided dinner time as I am worried about meltdowns. So tonight The Hubby convinced me to try a very early dinner. She was fine... but we got there at 5 and left by 5:30. So not exactly the kind of dinner's out we're used to.
6. London isn't nearly as cold as I think it is. After a few days in NYC, London is starting to feel like Hawaii.
7. Keeping a baby entertained in a hotel room can be a challenge.
8. If you have a baby who is used to bathing in a small plastic tub, be prepared for screams when you attempt to place her in a full sized tub. Apparently they are super scary for 7 month olds.
9. If you are lucky, there will be an older and even worse behaved child sitting near you on the plane. That way the dirty looks of your fellow air passengers will be focused their way instead of yours.
10. My little girl is a total city baby. She can sleep through construction, car horns, and ambulance sirens. In fact, I think she sleeps better with all the noise than at home in her quiet bed.

I'm sure there is more to learn, but we're only half way through our vacation. If I learn anything else I will be sure to share it. 

Sleep Training

A few weeks back I wrote about my confusion and unhappiness at Frostina's new sleeping patterns.

It all started when she dropped her night feed. She wasn't hungry in the middle of the night, but she still wanted to hang out with me. So she would get up and make noises which would eventually turn into crying. I would pop out of bed each time and rush to her aid.

After a couple weeks I figured out that she really didn't need anything... she just wanted me to come see her. One night I was sure she was teething and crying out in pain. But the second I picked her up to give her some medicine she started kicking and smiling. No teething pain, she just wanted her Mommy to come in and pick her up.

So I stopped picking her up and would only go in to replace the pacifier/dummy. Well she got wise to this little trick as well. One night she was screaming so I went in to see what was wrong. I was quite shocked to see her holding her pacifier/dummy in both hands directly above her face. She was crying until she saw me. Then she flashed me a huge smile and popped the pacifier/dummy right back into her mouth. She had gotten me again, that cheeky monkey!

So I decided that I needed to do some kind of sleep training because going back and forth from my room to hers 8 or 9 times a night just wasn't working for me. To be fair, it wasn't working for her either because she wasn't getting enough sleep. As a result, she started having trouble with her naps as well and was quickly becoming a cranky, overtired little baby.

The Hubby wasn't as keen on the sleep training idea. Not because he didn't think she needed it, but because he has a hard time listening to her cry. He also has to go to work every day and didn't like the idea that he would be up from 2-5am every night while we went through it. I explained to him that each night was getting worse and we needed to do something soon.

We finally agreed that I would do the sleep training when he was away on a work trip. He would be gone for a week and I could do it then. Sounds like a pretty cushy deal for him doesn't it?? He gets to sleep uninterrupted in a nice hotel room while I sleep train on my own. I can't say I was thrilled to be doing it all on my own, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.

I chose a variation of Dr Ferber and Dr Weissbluth's methods. Basically I let her cry for 5 minutes then went in to check on her. Then I would increase the time by 5 minutes each time if she was still crying. Not going for longer than 15 minutes without checking on her.

The first night was of course the hardest. She was up from 3 until 4 crying in spurts with me checking on her at the designated intervals. She finally fell back to sleep a bit after 4 and slept until her normal wake up time. I was thinking that there was no way I would be able to last through a week of this and almost gave up after the first night.

The second night was so much better. She only got up once at 4am and immediately fell asleep after I went in to check on her after the first 5 minutes of crying. Back to sleep and then up at her normal wake up time.

The third and fourth nights I increased the first crying wait time to 10 minutes. On the 3rd night she got up two different times and cried for 10 minutes each time. On the 4th night she cried for a few minutes and then put herself back to sleep (success!!) and then got up one more time and cried for 10 minutes but went right back to sleep after I went in to reassure her.

On the fifth night she did a bit of crying in very short bursts but I didn't have to go into her room even once!!! And from there it's slowly getting better. She's not sleeping all the way through each night just yet but I'm not having to get up 8 or 9 times anymore.

We did have a bit of an issue when The Hubby got back though. You see, while I thought it was terrible that I had to sleep train by myself, it turns out that it was actually a good thing. You see, The Hubby and I have different levels of tolerance for Frostina's crying.

After a week of sleep training, mine has built up. But his is very low. I had wanted to let her cry for longer intervals as the days went on but he didn't agree with me. His first night back she was crying and I wanted to leave her a bit longer. He basically told me that I was letting her cry too long and if I didn't go check on her than he would.

So I did, and she fell right back to sleep. And we have compromised and agreed that I won't let her cry for longer than 15 minutes without checking on her. I just hope that won't teach her to just cry for 15 minutes and Mommy will come rushing in. I'm hoping that over the week of sleep training she's now able to put herself back to sleep and won't want anymore middle of the night playtime.

So while sleep training was absolutely horrible, it seems to have worked. I know it's controversial and not for everyone, but I'm happy I did it.

Teething??? Or Just Playing???

Frostina is doing really well these days. Now that her colic has gone, she has revealed herself to be a happy, sweet, and very content baby. She's a joy to be around and I feel very blessed to have her in my life.

A few weeks back we started weaning her onto solids. I've jumped into this with two feet and am making my own baby foods. I've got this super cool steamer/blender combo machine and have been making lots and lots of baby purees. So far she's been a great eater and will happily try anything we give to her. Her favourite so far is mango.

As a result of adding solids, she has started sleeping through the night without needing to get up for a bottle. Not every night just yet, but quite a few so far. You would think this would have me jumping for joy,,,, right? It would if she was actually sleeping all night. But she's not quite there yet. As a result, I'm getting up more often with her than before,,,, and Mama is tired!

She wakes up at the time she would want a bottle (2 or 3 am) and I go into her room and pop the dummy/pacifier back into her mouth. If she's not hungry then she will go back to sleep, sometimes on the first try, other times it takes 2 or 3 tries.

On the nights that doesn't work I get up and feed her a very small bottle. Some nights she doesn't even finish that which reassures me that she doesn't need to eat in the middle of the night anymore. It's just a habit to get up and want to eat.

Regardless of whether she eats or not, we now have a new habit. Frostina will then wake up and start making noises every hour after that until it's time to get up. So if she first gets up at 2 then I will have to go back in and give her the dummy/pacifier at 3, 4, and then several times from 5-6am. That last hour is awful but I refuse to get her out of bed until 6am which I think is still pretty early.

It's driving me crazy and obviously affecting my sleep. I can't figure out what's going on. She might be teething, but she doesn't wake up unhappy or crying. I don't want to give her pain medicine every night "just in case" either. I want to only use medicine if she actually needs it.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe she just enjoys my company in the middle of the night?? Perhaps she's figured out that Mommy will come rushing in whenever she squawks and she's making a game out of it?

I am considering doing some sleep training, but they say not to try and sleep train when babies are teething. So since she's 6 and a half months old and no teeth yet, it's likely that she is teething.

But how do I know?

Crying For Newtown

I've been crying a lot these past few days.

Crying for those innocent children who lost their lives and for the devastated families they leave behind.

Crying because all they did was go to school that day. Something they should have been able to do without being put in danger.

Crying because I cannot fathom the kind of person who wakes up and decides to enter a school and open fire on innocent children.

Crying because unlike many who will say, "I can't even imagine what their parents are going through," I do know what it feels like to lose a child.

Crying because I feel like my wound has been ripped back open. That pain, the kind of pain that paralyzes you, is back again. Not that the wound was fully healed, but it had a pretty good scab over it. But not anymore.

I feel raw and vulnerable in a way I haven't felt for quite some time. I have spent the weekend hugging my baby girl and crying. Reminding myself just how lucky I am to have her.

Knowing just how lucky I am to have her.
Knowing just how empty it feels when a child is there and then is not.
Knowing just how much it hurts to long for a child, to miss a child, to mourn a child.

My heart breaks for the families in Newtown, CT. A place I've never been filled with people I've never met. And yet I cry for them.

Real tears, real emotions, real sorrow. Their story has moved me in a way that no other news story ever has. Maybe because it hits closer to home than I would like it to.

Or maybe because it's just that terrible.

There's No Crying In Santa's Grotto

Yesterday I took Frostina to have her picture taken with Santa. It's a huge milestone in my parenting book. Her first photo with Santa, followed by her first Christmas, followed by a bunch of other firsts that I can photograph and share with family and friends.

So many firsts that she will have that her brother will not.

There are many options when it comes to Santa's Grotto's here in London. Some are just basic, and some (like Harrods) are quite fancy and require advance booking. Since Frostina is only 6 months old and is not always happy to be held by strangers, I opted for the closest option. That way if she freaked out and cried I would not be terribly inconvenienced.

As it turns out, she was not the one I should have been worried about.

We got to our local shopping centre and even though I had booked an appointment, it turns out it wasn't necessary. There was only one other child in front of us so I didn't have to worry about waiting too long. In addition, the napping and eating gods had shined down on us and Frostina was both well fed and well rested. Optimum conditions for a happy baby.

As I began the process of unwrapping her from her jacket/blankets/hat combo (it is freezing here in London) and getting her out of her buggy I felt it.

You know that feeling when you just know you're going to cry???

I felt it rising up in my throat. Tears welling up in my eyes. What on earth was happening?? Why was I crying? Why was I the one about to cry in Santa's Grotto??

Of course that's when it hit me. This was one of those moments that I get to share with Frostina but will never be able to share with my son. I get so busy taking care of her day to day that I sometimes forget that many of her firsts will be both exhilarating and crushingly sad.

Unfortunately for me, I didn't have my sunglasses with me. It's been a while since I've been caught out like this. So I did what I've learned how to do when the tears creep in. I dig my fingernails into my palms and try to think about something else. I also had Frostina to joke with and smile at which helped as well.

So no meltdown this time. Well, not until I got home..... but that's progress and I'll take it.

Frostina on the other hand did not cry at all. She sat on Santa's lap and let the Elf helper take her photo. No smile, but she still looked cute. I made sure to buy one photo for me and a couple for the Grandparents. I just know they will love them.

Catching Up

Wow, has it really been over a month since my last post?

I don't know how I got out of the habit, but I'm hoping to get better at fitting this space into my week. I do miss the writing and the reading. I have been going through my reader and I feel so out of touch with everyone.

So apologies for not writing and not reading or commenting either. The adjustment to Motherhood is still a huge one for me and it's clear that I haven't quite found my balancing point just yet.

So here's a bit of a catch up. The visit home was amazing. Frostina did so well on the flight which was a huge relief! It's an 11 hour flight from London to Los Angeles and I had visions of walking a crying baby up and down the aisles the entire time. But we got lucky and she was a trooper. Much to the relief of myself as well as all the other passengers.

She adjusted to the time difference in one day!! That part was also amazing!!!

She was so cute and adorable with all the family. As I've written about here before, she's very particular about who she will smile at. So I was worried that she would be timid around our family.

Turns out I worried for nothing. She took one look at my Mom and flashed her a huge smile...... soooooo cute! She was great with everyone and let everyone hold her. She smiled and made all her cute faces and noises for everyone. She was the belle of the ball and everyone loved her.

It was a wonderful visit but at the end of the two weeks we were ready to come home. I'd love to say that Frostina adjusted back to UK time as quickly as she did to California time. However, her adjustment back was not as easy. It's taken her almost two weeks to be back to normal.

I think part of the issue may be due to teething. We don't have any teeth just yet but she's been waking up crying in the night and won't go back to sleep until I give her some Calpol (baby tylenol for my US friends). Her cheeks also get really red sometimes, red like an apple. And I won't even go into the drool that is coming out of this kid,,, let's just say it's flowing freely. So I expect to see some teeth very soon.

Some other fun things.

• We started solid foods this week.
• She no longer hates tummy time.
• She can sit up for short periods of time before she finally tips over.
• She has discovered her laugh.

Oh, and she loves ceiling fans.....

We don't have any of these at home but she discovered this one at a hotel while we were back in the US and was absolutely fascinated.

Other than that we're just getting ready for Christmas. Our first with Frostina and our third without our son. It's bittersweet for sure and not something I want to get into today. Today is just a day to catch up.

So what have you been up to?