Monday 27 February 2012

Hope Creeps In

This pregnancy has not been easy on me emotionally. I suppose all pregnancies after a loss are difficult and what I'm experiencing is normal. That is if your definition of normal is rotating between fear, panic, dread, grief, sadness, nervousness, paranoia, wistfulness, longing, fixating, and terror. Since I'm always on the hunt for my new normal here, I'd say this probably isn't the best definition available. But alas, sometimes reality rules.

For the past 22 weeks I've been scared. Worried that something will go wrong like it did last time. Worried that I won't be able to handle it again. Worried that I won't be able to cope with another loss. Wondering if I was a complete crazy person to put myself in this vulnerable place again.

As time has gone on something odd has happened. Every now and then I experience this strange sensation. At first I didn't even notice it was there. It would flit in and out of my consciousness. Blink and you'd miss it.

What was this strange sensation? It seemed foreign and yet somehow familiar. Tiny butterflies in my stomach. A small smile that would creep onto my face from time to time. A skip in my step. A song in my heart. My mind starting to think ahead,,,, making plans. What was this strange sensation? 

Suddenly it hit me. I knew exactly what this strange emotion was.

It was hope.

Somehow amongst all the fear and the worry and the stress of this new pregnancy, hope had crept in. I didn't recognize it at first because I was so preoccupied with all my negative thoughts. Even if I did have awareness of it, I pushed it right back where it came from.

But this hope was stubborn. Instead of allowing itself to be pushed away, it pushed back. It came more often, screaming my name each time. "I'm back," it would shout. "Remember me? Still I pushed it back.

There is no room for hope when you're living each day in fear. Hope is the enemy. Hope makes you vulnerable to being hurt again. Protecting yourself from hope will protect you from pain,,,,, right?

But hope wouldn't give up. It came even more often, and it stayed for longer periods of time. Enough time for me to start going to prenatal yoga again. Enough time for me to start looking at baby girl nursery items on the internet. Enough time for me to buy tickets to go to the Baby Show here in London. Enough time for me to attend the Baby Show and actually enjoy myself!

I kid you not,,, I went to the Baby Show and enjoyed myself.

I'm very good at denial though and so even though hope was there, I refused to acknowledge it's existence. I got home from the Baby Show and couldn't stop talking about it to The Hubby. I didn't buy anything of course, but I had done all sorts of "research" on the latest baby buggy and nursery furniture. I was babbling on about this and that when I realized that The Hubby was smiling at me.

"What are you smiling at??" I asked him. Of course he said he wasn't smiling at anything, which made me continue to question until he finally spilled. He said it was just nice to see me happy and excited again. And that's when it hit me. Hope had crept back into my life. Perhaps not blind hope, more like guarded hope. But hope nonetheless.

This is not to say that I'm over the fear. I'm most definitely still feeling fear, panic, dread, grief, sadness, nervousness, paranoia, wistfulness, longing, fixating, and terror. It's just that now it's sprinkled with a little hope.

23 comments:

  1. I'm glad hope has crept back into your life. We are praying for Hope too. God bless.
    Em

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  2. Glad to hear that you are getting some hope back. It is so nice to be able to feel that way again, isn't it?

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  3. Guarded hope is a good place to be. Glad you were able to go to a baby show--that's a huge step! Making plans is still something that scares me so much, but just hearing that you're feeling hopeful is encouraging.

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  4. Yay! I'm glad that hope is starting to creep in :)

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  5. Hope is good! But I can sympathize a little. I had a miscarriage with my previous pregnancy and was very worried about this one! It's been reassuring to go to my ultrasounds and hear that everything is fine. Keep looking for the good!
    Katy

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  6. This brings tears to my eyes. I'm so happy to hear that hope is there!

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  7. Being pregnant after a loss is so incredibly hard. But as you continue to trust life again you begin to have those glimmers of hope. It's really amazing. As time goes on the hope continues to grow and grow. Not just for the precious life that you are carrying being born healthy and alive but also just hope for life in general. Hope that things can one day be a little bit ok.

    Continuing to pray for you and the little one!

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  8. May the hope become so large that the fear cannot win out. And may the hope be RIGHT.

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  9. You had hope all along, or you wouldn't have tried again. I'm glad that it is starting to shout out the fear a little bit :)

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  10. Jumping for you!!! I'm happy to see you have reached in and allowed hope in. It gives me hope that I too will feel this when I'm prego.
    hugs-
    Felicia

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  11. Impressive of you - and very sweet of your husband to notice in that way :)

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  12. Hope is a tenacious beast....though, in your case, I am happy to hear she's dancing around in your head again. I try to keep her at arms distance myself, but it's harder than you would think.

    Big hugs,
    Jo

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  13. Your post made me think. Have I got my hope back? If yes, I haven't been able to recognize it yet.

    But am glad for you. All should be well this time. Fingers crossed

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  14. Enjoy this new feeling, t's time!

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  15. I was writing about hope last night. None of us would pursue ART or PAIL if we didn't have hope, right? Glad hope has found you again.

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  16. I'm glad that you have let hope back in. On this journey hope is such a helpful thing. It keeps dreams alive and hearts positive. Yaaay for hope!

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  17. its been awhile since my last visit... congratulations! guarded hope -- I like it. Disappointment is a BIG button for me, so I relate to avoiding hope.

    just for today, YAY for hope.

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  18. You're so good at expressing my emotions and my feelings! I am 28 weeks pregnant with my IVF baby after losing my IVF twins last year. I coulldn't even tell anyone I was expecting until 24 weeks but just this past week, I bought a stroller. I am happy again and am starting to be hopeful that this may actually work. It's a nice change.

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  19. This is good - you deserve to enjoy some hope! May it continue to grow with your growing belly, as mine did.

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  20. I attempted to comment on this via my iPad but it hates me and clearly didn't work.
    Hope has captured me, despite my best attempts to resist it. I'm happy you're feeling optimistic. It's just a "thing" to let go of the fear, even for a minute.

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  21. Stopping by from Chickenpig. Oh, I know exactly what this is like and you've described it beautifully! It's so hard to allow hope in our lives, but when it comes, we owe it an open heart, if we can offer one. *hug*

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