Monday 12 December 2011

Frosty Is Hanging In There

Today I went in for my 12 week ultrasound. Well actually I'm only 11 weeks and 4 days but you get the idea. I was doing a really good job at keeping mellow and relaxed. Right up until about an hour before the appointment time. Then I got all panicky and stressed but managed to hold it together without any tears. This is a huge improvement in my book because the last scan I couldn't sleep the night before and was a total mess the whole day.

It was really great to get to see our little Frosty again. He or she was moving all over the place and has a good healthy heartbeat. It's such a relief each time I get to see and hear that wonderful heartbeat.

All the measurements look great. I won't know the full results which include our chances for downs syndrome and a few other things until later this week, but I'm feeling pretty positive. At first our doctor was asking us about having an amnio and wanting to know our feelings on the test, but once I reminded him that we used a 20-something egg donor he retracted his comment. He said that based on what he can see, he thinks it will be highly unlikely that our results will come back with anything to worry about it.

After the appointment The Hubby asked me when we want to start telling more people. I didn't have an answer for him. I know we're almost at 12 weeks now and even though I know there is no "all clear" I do know that after 12 weeks you chances go way up. So at some point we will need to start telling people.

Telling people makes it all seem so much more real. I've been doing a pretty good job of living in a bubble of denial because so few people know. Once we tell more people, I will have to come to terms with the fact that I am indeed pregnant again. It is real,,, it is happening,,, it is real. And that's a pretty scary place for me.

I think he sensed my hesitation and understood that it was based mostly on fear. I say this because he sent me the most amazing text message about an hour later.

It said, "You deserve to be happy today. You deserve to believe that our son is looking after you and his baby brother.. or sister. I love you with all my heart." 

What an amazing man I married!

He's right of course, I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be joyfully telling people that we're expecting again. I deserve to not be riddled with fear this entire pregnancy. I deserve to be able to feel hopeful and to not always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I'm going to do my very best to embrace the joy when it comes. And to try not to dwell on the fear and sadness as much as that's possible. After all, Frosty deserves for his/her parents to be as excited now as we were about his/her older brother. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to manage this, but I'm sure going to try.

16 comments:

  1. Oh you should marry him right away! Oh wait, you already did. What a WONDERFUL, never-can-top-that kind of message. Seriously. You both deserve to be happy, and it's okay to be afraid. Just keep taking it a day at a time, and remember: deep breaths, deep breaths. BTW, I am not a yoga instructor or anything, I just tell you that because I need to do that when I read your posts and write to you. Deep breaths!

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  2. Wow. Save that gem of a text. Just wow. Does your hubs give out lessons to other husbands...?

    I'm so glad that Frosty is doing well. I can understand your hesitation though in telling people. I made hubs hold off until I was about 15 weeks.

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  3. I am coming up to 18 weeks in a few days and still find it hard to tell people I am pregnant again for the same reason, fear and that there is no "all clear".
    Glad to hear there was a strong heartbeat and that frosty was moving all over:)

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  4. That was a wonderful text from your honey...what a sweetheart! And yes, you DO deserve to be happy, and your baby does deserve for you to be excited...but that doesn't negate the stress and worry you so justifiably carry. With my twins, I waited until 12w6d to tell "the world", and then lost my babies less than 2 weeks later. If I could just be quietly pregnant in the future and suddenly show up with my baby(ies) alive and well, I'd prefer that over telling and feeling like another loss would be right around the corner "for punishment." I think anyone in this situation does the very best possible with a really sucky situation.

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  5. Still pulling for you and Frosty. Fear is normal...and so is joy. Wishing for you that each day brings more joy and less fear. What an amazing, supportive husband you have!

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  6. I'm glad all your testing was good and everything is progressing smoothly. Your hubs is definitely a keeper for that text. I hope by and by you are able to be comfortable.

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  7. Thinking of you and glad that everything looks good!

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  8. What a sweet hubby! I hope you can shout it on the roof tops and get excited, but its also OK if you can't. I have lots of prayers going your way, and I'll hold the hope for you when you're down.

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  9. Oh I soooo get this. I am 9 weeks Thursday and a BALL of anxiety. I just can't get past it. I am so glad you and babe are doing well.. sending hugs your way...

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  10. that's great news. Glad all is well with Frosty. I really love the message your husband sent you. It's ok to hope again and be happy again.

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  11. Smiling from OREGON that you've made it this far. I know this must be so hard for you as you have spent a lot of money and energy just to get here. Hoping breaking the news will be a fun thing and you can finally allow peace in this pregnancy. hugs-
    Felicia

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  12. I'm glad that Frosty is doing so well. And that text is so very precious.
    You tell people when you are ready, I know you'll make the right decision for you.

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  13. What a wonderful man you got there. That text was really sweet! Congratulations on coming this far. I hope that the fear won't take over too much and that you can start to enjoy this pregnancy more and more.

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  14. Happy to hear that your scan went well. I hope enjoy the season, and yes keep focusing on positivity but if you falter don't be too hard on yourself it will pass.

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  15. I love this post. It brings back so many memories and emotions. You deserve to be happy and please do whatever is necessary to enjoy your pregnancy. It isn't easy but worth any second!

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