Christmas is quickly approaching and The Hubby has been asking me what I want. I still haven't been able to give him an answer. It's weird because usually I have no problems coming up with ideas for presents, especially if they are for me. There's always something I want, maybe a new handbag, maybe some jewellery, maybe clothes. But this year I'm drawing a blank.
This is not like me at all. I have been wondering what is wrong with me that I can't figure out something, anything that I would like to see wrapped under the tree this year.
Part of the problem is that I usually get clothes and being 10 weeks pregnant makes that a difficult one. I'm still in my normal clothes but soon to grow out of them I'm hoping. It's too early to buy maternity clothes, especially when I've already got a box of them down in the garage. So new clothes are pretty much out for now.
Another part of the problem is of course that we have spent a crazy amount of money this year on our fertility treatments and the travel required to do so. So obviously we are on a much more limited budget than normal.
But the largest part is that really, all I want is a living baby. One that I can take home in a car seat instead of in a tiny urn. My due date isn't until June and I certainly don't want my baby to come in time for this Christmas. I guess what I want is to know for sure that he or she will be born healthy and live a very long and happy life. I want my rainbow baby.
I want a guarantee that nothing will go wrong this time.
I want the peace of mind of knowing that all will end well.
That's what I want for Christmas this year.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I understand completely. When my son died, all I could think about was getting pregnant again. Once I was pregnant again, all I could think about was having a healthy baby. I turned down lots of fun invites because there was nothing I wanted more than my baby. I am sending you all the energy I have to make this baby healthy and strong!
ReplyDeleteOh girl- I pray that you can have your baby there with you next Christmas. xo
ReplyDeleteWill pray for you! Have a great Christmas!
ReplyDeleteYes! Right now this maybebaby is all that I'm thinking about. Which isn't good, because I have a ton of shopping and decorating to do! How can I ask for anything for Christmas when I have what I want...sort of?
ReplyDeleteThat being said I totally want a Kindle Fire. But I wanted one of those before I got pregnant. :)
I am hoping that you get the best Christmas gift ever (a little late...say June). In the meantime maybe a pampering of some sort would be a nice gift if you like that sort of thing. Or maternity photos or a 3-D ultrasound or such. I am wishing you the best and hope things continue to go smoothly for you all. Take care :)
ReplyDeleteI also totally understand. We're only 4 months out from our loss and there's no item or thing I want for Christmas this year. Those things hold no meaning or joy for me, when all I really want - this year, at least - is the one thing I can never, ever have.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and I hold hope that your Christmas wish this year will come true next summer.
My sentiments, exactly. I want NOTHING else. Nothing for years and year... I don't care. I just want a healthy baby. Well, I want Andrew, but I also want his siblings to be healthy. That would be the most wonderful gift of all.
ReplyDeleteSpeak it into being. Come up with your own mantra and bring that positivity and well-being to you. All the best to your and yours for the holidays and the year to come.
ReplyDeleteMe too love.
ReplyDeleteOh, I wish I could give you your wish. It's so hard when we start to worry about the what ifs. Hang in there. Everything will be fine!
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a restful and joyful holiday with your hubby.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post dude! We will pray for you, have a delightful morning and enjoy the Christmas party! Happy Christmas.
ReplyDeleteBaby Shower Invitations
I want the same thing! My precious baby in June, live and healthy. I also really want to make it to the 12 week mark tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteHoping and praying for both of us (hugs)
Nothing else matters right now it feels like. Don't really need anything else at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI want that for you too, very much.
ReplyDeletexo