Thanks so much for all the comments regarding the baby shower invitation dilemma. I am leaning towards not going at this point and if I can overcome my guilt then I will not be attending. I don't know why I feel guilty about not going, but I do.
Perhaps it has to do with the fact that another mutual friend told me she won't be going either. I won't tell her story here, but basically she is fed up with the Mother to be (M2be). Like me, she feels that M2be isn't the friend we thought she was. In addition there have been some things that have happened between this friend and M2be that I wasn't involved with which resulted in very hurt feelings for our mutual friend.
The three of us, plus a couple of others who no longer live in the UK, were a very tight group at one point so this "slow unfriending" has been awkward for us all. Our mutual friend has done a much better job of disengaging from M2be than I have which has not gone unnoticed by M2be.
Our mutual friend feels that it would be hypocritical of her to attend the baby shower after all that has happened. So she let me know a few days ago that she won't come and will make her excuses. She let me know so I wouldn't be expecting to see her there, something I greatly appreciate.
I told her my dilemma with baby showers in general and she totally understands. In fact her response was like many of yours. She said that I should do what I feel is best and not worry about hurting anyone's feelings. She said that I should only do what I feel I can and nothing more.
This is where my guilt kicks in. Like many of my friends here in London, M2be is living in a foreign country far from family and friends. I can imagine that when she started trying for a baby she imagined her London baby shower filled with her closest new friends. Since then, two have moved out of the country and two of us are really not her close friends anymore. Even knowing that, she has chosen to invite the two of us who are still here.
I know it's not my fault about those who moved away, and it's certainly not my fault about what happened between her and our mutual friend. But I feel like our absence will be felt in a way that will hurt M2be's feelings. I hate hurting people's feelings. Yes, she is flying home to have a baby shower with her friends and family there, so it's not like this is her only shower,,,, but still the guilt fills me.
I am somehow stuck in this place where I try to please everyone when really I should focus more on myself. Since losing my son I'm much better at this, but the shower invitation issue proves that I'm not all the way there yet. I don't actually have to decline until I receive the actual invitation so I've got some time to prepare myself.
PS- Wow, seeing all this written down makes it look like a whole lotta drama! Ugh, I despise drama!
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Hello, new to your blog and really rooting for you and your rainbow baby.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that if this lady is really a friend I am SURE she would understand why a baby shower would be hard for you. And if she doesn't understand why you might not feel able to attend... then I truly think any guilt could be eased. I know it's really hard not to feel like you have to please everyone. All of us bloggers are on your side : )
I can understand the confusion you must be facing but any decision you will take to protect yourself will be the sane one. Hoping everything is going smoothly with your pregnancy....
ReplyDeleteDidn't get to comment on your last post but I definitely agree with your reasons for not going. Try to focus on yourself from reading the attached link about the M2b she wasn't much of a friend in hindsight.
ReplyDeleteThe dynamics of friendship haven't changed much since our school days have they?!
ReplyDeleteI understand your guilt, and I've certainly felt my share of it. My best friend from college had a baby who turned 1 in October. I did not attend the big party she had for him. My best friend from high school is pregnant and due in early January. I did not attend her baby shower. Both of these parties were in October, 9 months after my loss. Both of these girls are my BEST friends--we were each others' bridesmaids, we talk frequently on the phone, we see each other as often as possible. And I let my pain prevent me from being part of their celebrations. I feel really sad about that. But I also know that if our roles were switched, I would have no hard feelings. My baby died. Any other drama is just fluff. However, I did have long conversations with both friends about how sorry I was and how I didn't want to disappoint them, but I just couldn't be there, feeling so desperately sad and self-conscious. I know it's hard to worry about hurting people's feelings, and it might make you feel better to write a heartfelt letter to M2Be, maybe not detailing the fallout of your friendship, but just explaining why you can't do the shower, but you're happy for her, and you know it's not easy to be pregnant far from home, etc. Send it early, before the shower, and then send a gift. And then let go of the guilt and just take care of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, it is just a little bit of drama. :) I understand feeling guilty, too, but then again, like you said, you had nothing to do with M2b's expat friends moving away. If she had been kind to you (and your mutual friend) and not caused you to deeply question your relationship with her, then your guilt would probably be more around feeling selfish as a grieving mother for not being there for her. But that doesn't seem to be the case. M2b sort of made her own bed, and has to lie in it, so to speak. It's not your job to coddle her or protect her from the consequences of her actions against your relationship, especially when that would damage you more than it would "help" her.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you courage and strength to you as your make your decision...
Sometimes drama comes to us even when we are not looking for it. Important thing, but yourself and your well-being first. Enjoy this time with your baby growing in you. I really like your blog, and the honesty of your writing style. I'm going to 'Grab your button' I too am trying to find my 'new normal' for different reasons :0)
ReplyDeleteI havent been to one baby shower for any of my friends since Ryan died. I wont be having a shower for this baby, either. I dont want people buying baby girl gifts when I couldnt muster up the strength to buy their babies presents. I wouldnt go because of the little drama attached..and because of the reason you have trouble with baby showers anyways! Being pregnant does not make those feelings go away:) Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI would feel kind of sad if I had a 'friend' in the same circumstance. But in all fairness, if she were a nice person who didn't burn her friends she wouldn't be in the situation she's in. Kids who are bullies don't have friends at their birthdays, women who have been nasty to all their college friends have a tough time finding bridesmaids, and women who have pushed their friends away shouldn't be surprised when people don't come to their baby showers. That's my 2 cents. I think you and your other friend should ditch the shower and hang out together instead :) Without guilt!
ReplyDeletePS And everything that Brooke said. A kind letter and a gift would be very nice and totally appropriate.
ReplyDeleteI know that I would feel some guilt too, because that's just how I'm wired. So I can relate to what you are writing here. Whichever way you decide to go on the baby shower invitation will be fine. It really will. In terms of writing it all down in blog posts, I think it's quite relevant to all of our lives as infertiles. We are faced with baby showers all the time and struggle to know what to do with those. Thanks for bringing it up.
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