P.U.P.O.

I'm officially PUPO. For those of you who have not had to burden yourselves with learning all the lingo and abbreviations that go along with infertility, PUPO means pregnant until proven otherwise.

The transfer went well. It was quite a whirlwind trip and I hardly had time to think about what was going on before it was over and done with. I missed Frostina, but not on the flights. I watched other parents walking up and down the aisles with their children and was sooooo happy it wasn't me for once.

We transferred one perfect embryo and had a couple left over to freeze. I'm hoping we won't need them, but it's nice to know they are there.

Stick little embryo, stick!

Now the dreaded 2 week wait.

Countdown To Transfer

Things have been crazy around here and I've been really bad at giving updates on my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle. I finally have a transfer date..... this Wednesday, the 6th of November. Eeek!

I've got my tickets booked to fly to the clinic and now I've just got to get my parents up to speed on Frostina's routine. Lucky me, I was able to fly to my parent's house last week so I can leave Frostina with them while I have my transfer done. The Hubby has to work out of town this week so if it wasn't them then I would have to hire my once-a-week babysitter for 3 days straight, including overnights. She was happy to do it, but I have no idea how much that would have cost me.

Probably less than a flight to the US, but my parents are absolutely loving all the extra time with their granddaughter so it's all worth it. Plus I don't have to worry nearly as much about her. All I have to worry about is staying sane and not freaking out too much between now and Wednesday.

I'm sure I will update you more this week since for at least a few days I won't have a super busy toddler to wrangle. Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to a plane ride without someone climbing all over me? One where I can actually read a book and watch a movie?

I'm doing my best to stay positive and am operating on the philosophy that this will work and in a few weeks I will be getting a positive pregnancy test, and after 9 months,,,, a healthy baby brother or sister for Frostina. Fingers and toes crossed.

Such A Cute View

Frostina was a bit of a late crawler which had me pretty worried for a while there. Once she got the hang of that it wasn't long until she was walking. It's been nice to finally see her being able to keep up with the other toddlers her age. *Side note- I love that I can say I have a toddler* She is having a blast exploring the world around her.

Now that she's walking I notice that I do a lot more chasing than I used to. She's getting really quick these days. Especially if I have forgotten to shut the baby gate or a door leading into a forbidden room. Then she's off with a squeal and a flash.

I find I spend quite a bit of time looking at the back of her, and the view is pretty cute. Don't you think?

Exploring our back garden

Checking out her shadow

On the way to the Halloween Parade

At the local park

Babyloss Rememberance Day

I so wish that this wasn't a day that I mark every year on the calendar.

Today and everyday I remember my beloved son. I also honor and remember all of your precious babies who you can only hold in your heart.

A Strange IVF Cycle

I apologise for the lack of posts about my IVF cycle. For some reason I'm having a tough time expressing my feelings about it. Not just here in this space, but in real life as well. I'm operating as if I'm not really doing this.

As if I'm not actually injecting myself with hormones that make me crazy tired and crazy emotional. As if I'm not a week away from getting updates on my donor's progress. As if I don't have a schedule that includes an estimated embryo transfer date.  As if I don't have to fly to the US for transfer in a few short weeks. As if we're not putting all our hopes and dreams into this.

Because we are, and I am.

But for whatever reason, I'm not allowing myself to focus on it too much. I don't know if it's because I'm just too busy with Frostina, or if it's something else. All I know is that I want it just as much as when we were trying to conceive my son, and as much as when we were trying to conceive Frostina. I just can't bring myself to think about it too much.

It's strange.

How To Spot A Fake Blogger

What happens when a blog you follow suddenly feels like it's not real? When it suddenly starts to read like fiction? When you go back into the archives and start to wonder if any of the horrible things that have happened to the writer actually happened?

What do you do?

I'm going to go slightly off topic today. Not because I have nothing else to say about missing my son, or about my ongoing donor egg IVF cycle. I have lots to say about that. But something has distracted me and I can't get it off my mind.

I am starting to think that a blog I read occasionally may be a fabrication. I know, it's a horrible accusation to make. After all, I've had devastating things happen to me: things I've written about here in this very space. Unthinkable things like babies dying after a perfectly normal pregnancy. Tragic things like picking up the pieces and starting over after life deals you one of the worst hands it's got.

I know these things do happen and that people do talk about them. But somehow this particular blog is starting to seem unreal. So many different horrible things have happened to it's author. And everything happens so fast. Jumping from one tragedy to another, like a soap opera.There's hardly a break before the next big thing.

If you are reading this post then I can assure you that your blog is not the one I'm talking about. I am almost 100% sure that the person who writes the blog in question doesn't follow mine. I don't think I've ever commented on her blog and I know for sure she's never commented on mine. My blog is small potatoes compared to hers so I'm pretty sure I'm not on her radar.

I had originally started following her story when it was nothing like mine. She had different struggles than I do but I was attracted to her writing and I wanted a happy ending for her.Yet it seems that each time she reaches the end of one struggle, another one quickly takes it's place. Things that are unrelated to the previous issue she was battling.

I actually stopped following her story quite a while ago, after something she was writing about didn't sit well with me. At the time I felt she was a bit smug and presuming and my interest in her journey started to wane. But I still check in from time to time and it was recently that I read something that made me start to doubt it all.

So I think I won't "pop" over to see what's next for her. I think I'm done. It's a shame, especially if it all turns out to be true and she really has had THAT many terrible things happen in succession. If it's all really true then I suppose it's shame on me for not believing. 

Has this ever happened to you? Do we take for granted that people who take the time to write and share their stories are telling the truth? Does it really matter?

The Same, But Very Different

I've started my Lupron injections which means my current donor egg IVF cycle is officially underway.

There are lots of ways that this cycle feels very much like the ones we did a couple of years ago. I have dug out my Bag 'O Meds from the garage and filled it up with a new batch of medication, needles, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, bandaids, and of course my sharps container. I have printed my injection schedule and am crossing off the days as they go.

I'm feeling like I remember feeling the last time I started on all the hormones. I have been crying at stupid things like X-Factor. Not that X-Factor is stupid of course, but it's nothing to cry over. I'm nervous and excited just like last time as well.

But this cycle is very different than last time for one huge reason; and that reason is Frostina.

It is very different going through an IVF cycle when you have a living child to take care of. The last time around I was broken and lonely and absolutely desperate for a living child. Not just to fill the hole left in my heart when my son died, but to finally complete our family. I spent hours upon hours obsessing over every detail of my upcoming cycle. I had everything mapped out. I had a special place to do my injections and quite a bit of mental warm up before each one. I was focused.

This time around I just don't have the time to be obsessed. I don't have the time to calm myself mentally before doing each injection. I don't have time to focus. This time around I have to work them around Frostina and her needs.

This means that my daily injections look a bit like this.

1. Wait until after Frostina has finished her morning milk. Otherwise she will run around the room with her sippy cup leaving a trail of milk in her wake.
2. Put a children's program on the TV (hooray for the electronic babysitter).
3. Quickly dash out of the room when she's not looking and go to my bedroom.
4. Collect Bag 'O Meds from the closet (where I have to hide it from Frostina).
5. Unpack meds and do injection.
6. If Frostina starts crying before I'm done, try my best to ignore her and hurry up.
7. Clean up, making sure not to leave anything behind that Frostina can get her hands on.
8. Go back out to the living room and hope she hasn't managed to get into anything she wasn't supposed to when I was gone. 

Thankfully once the Lupron is done I can do the rest of the injections in the evening after Frostina has gone to bed. That will make things much more calm.

IVF- More Than Just An Injection Schedule

I'm not feeling very eloquent these days but I want to do more in this space than just list the stats and dates for this donor egg IVF cycle. There are a million places where you can read about all that and since I'm not a medical expert but a blogger, I realise that what I want to do here is talk about the journey.

It's easy to get caught up in the dates and the schedule and all the acronyms. You have to keep track of when to start each medicine and when to stop. Injections are carefully timed within a few hours of each other each day. In my case I even have to figure in time differences so that when I travel abroad I don't end up having to get up in the middle of the night to do them. It would also be nice if I could figure out a way to not have to do them on the airplane,,, but I fear that may be unavoidable.

Maybe I've been focusing on the dates and stats and appointment dates because it's easier than letting myself focus on my feelings. After all, it's a pretty scary thing to jump back on the IVF bandwagon. The hormones make what is already an emotional time a super-duper emotional time. Super-duper isn't really the right word of course but this early in the morning it's all I can come up with.

Ultimately, all the planning and injections and appointments have an end goal. This isn't just an exercise in timekeeping. It's all about the result. Will all this effort result in a pregnancy? Will a pregnancy result in a healthy baby?

If I'm not pregnant then I have to do it all over again. If I'm not pregnant, do I have the strength to do it all over again? I try not to focus on this part because I have to get through this cycle first. But at times it's hard not to get ahead of myself.

This time around I don't have nearly as much time to sit around dwelling on my feelings. I've got Frostina to look after. Frostina, my beautiful rainbow baby. She's my inspiration here. A reminder that if you don't take chances you don't get rewards. She is proof that all this can be worth it.

Frostina is almost 16 months old now and boy does she keep me busy. I hope that being busy with her will help keep me from obsessing. Not completely, but just enough so that I'm not the complete neurotic mess I was the last time. Or maybe I still will be a neurotic mess, just one with less time to be that way.

I start my Lupron injections tomorrow. Just in case you were wondering about my injection schedule. :)

We Have Dates!

I finally have a schedule from the clinic!

I swear it seems like this part has taken FOREVER.

Basically I start my injections of Lupron on the 26th. Ugh.

Estimated transfer date is November 1.

Yikes.

I will keep you updated of course.

And So It Begins

Well I'm officially on my way. I started on birth control pills today which is the first step in the process.

They put me on birth control pills to synch my cycle with the egg donor's. That way we can start taking all our medications in synch. We do this so that when she is ready for egg retrieval, my body is ready to hold the embryos. It's very complicated and I'm sure part of the reason that things like this are so expensive.

I don't have my complete schedule just yet, but taking this first step feels like we're finally getting this thing started. And that's a good feeling.