It's all I ever wanted, but it's really hard.
I have two living children,,,, two living children.
Two Living Children
That's something that for a very long time I thought I would never be able to say.
But it's hard,,,,, really hard.
In my desperation and longing for children, I never imagined it would be this hard. I feel overwhelmed sometimes and then I feel guilty.
Because I wanted them so badly.
Because I love them so much.
Because I'm so very grateful to have them.
Because I miss the one who isn't here so very much.
My house is a mess. There are three days worth of dishes in the sink. I made us order take out last night so as not to add to the pile. I am behind on paying some hospital bills and a few others I'm sure. I keep forgetting to take my daily medicine.
I am incapable of getting the three of us anywhere on time.
I am happy, I am tired, I am grateful, and I am overwhelmed.
Right now, by some miracle they are both sleeping.
I'm pretty sure the baby has just pooped,,,, but I'm not going to wake her up to check. Because she's sleeping and I really need the break.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
It is odd, how our culture doesn't really acknowledge that getting what you want can still be hard work. It's hard to look at the success you have and then to think there are difficult elements. But the truth is, most of the things we want and work towards still require work afterwards.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your little ones while they are little, but take care of yourself as well.
No guilt! It is hard. And only three days washing up in the sink? You're doing better than me : )
ReplyDeleteIt IS very hard, and that difficulty (or recognizing the difficulty) doesn't detract from the want. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteLove this post. I'm right in the trenches with you. We just ran a load of dishes, and my kitchen doesn't even look like a dent was made in it. We had pizza last night, and grilled cheese tonight Just so I can survive. Not exactly the clean eating I usually subscribe too. You are right ... Wanting something for so long and working hard towards that goal makes it feel weird when we need o admit ... Hey, this parenting multiple children is hard stuff: a blessing,... But oh my goodness hard! I hope you can carve out some time to rest!
ReplyDelete