I was sure I had cursed myself in my last post when I said I didn't want to live anywhere I had to shovel snow. Thankfully I was wrong. I was very, very wrong.
Where will our new home be?
Florida!
That's right. The Hubby's new office will be in Ft. Lauderdale so we will be looking to move somewhere nearby. So no snow for us! Though we will have to deal with humidity and frizzy hair which is never nice.
It's a huge change for this California native who has just spent almost 10 years in London. After all this time in England I have almost forgotten what a warm summer feels like. So I'm sure the first summer of humidity and bugs (yuck) will be a rude awakening. On the bright side, (see what I did there?) we won't have to take our vitamin D supplements anymore.
So now I'm scouring the good schools website to try and figure out where we should live. I haven't even begun to think about doctors and hospitals yet, but that's next on the list.
We don't have a time line just yet but things will happen quickly so it looks like I'm in for a wild ride.
Anyone familiar with the Ft. Lauderdale area? Any advice on schools and neighbourhoods and doctors and hospitals would be greatly appreciated.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
Thursday, 27 February 2014
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Life Is Never Boring
Just when you get all settled and comfortable, BANG, something else happens. At least that's how things seem to go for me.
The hubby and I have been living in London for quite a long time now. We have done the travelling in Europe thing and have very much enjoyed the opportunity to live in a different country and appreciate a different culture and way of life. London is very much our home. We have built a life here, had two children here, and have another one on the way.
We have been talking for the past 6 months or so about being ready to move back to the USA. Since having Frostina, and the death of The Hubby's Dad, we are really feeling the pull back home. Our parents aren't getting any younger and we want Frostina to grow up being at least a bit closer to her family. The Hubby had a conversation with his HR department sharing our wish to go home a while back and left it at that.
We were then asked if we would agree to stay here at least one more year due to staffing issues and them not having a back up for him. We said yes which I figured worked out well with Baby Olea on the way. So I got pregnant and have been back with my doctor who I respect and trust. All was on schedule to have Baby Olea here in London and then we would plan to move back sometime in 2015.
BANG!
That's what you get when you make plans.
A few weeks ago The Hubby started hearing rumours that things were happening in the US division of his company. Rumours that included the fact that phone calls had been made asking about our availability to move sooner. Then he got a call asking very specifically about my pregnancy and when my due date was. We were also asked if there was a time line in which we would not be able to move. Our reply was that obviously there would be a few months immediately before my due date and afterwards when we would need to stay put here. Basically we told them that we could move now, or sometime in the Fall.
The Hubby is at a meeting this week for the whole company. I have now received two phone calls from him telling me that things are indeed going on with the US division and that it's looking very likely that he will be getting some kind of job offer. His company moves quickly once they make decisions like this so I'm expecting we will know more by the end of the week. But it looks like we will be making a move back to the USA.
Where exactly in the US is a different question. America is a pretty large country and at the moment we have no clue where the openings will be. Nor do we know if it would be a lateral move or a promotion. So needless to say I'm freaking out.
Yes, I am ready to be back on American soil. But there are definitely parts of the US that I would rather not live. I fear listing any of them here because then I know I will be sealing my fate and end up moving there. So I'll just say that I would prefer to be in a part of the country that is filled with open-minded people who have not allowed doctrine and scare mongering to rule their lives and decisions.
I would also prefer to live somewhere with decent weather. This California girl has been spoiled for most of her life as far as weather goes and the idea of shovelling snow in minus 10 wind chill doesn't really appeal. **There I go, cursing myself to a life somewhere in America where it snows. Sadly, the chances of us returning to California are slim so I'm certainly not getting my hopes up about that.
I'm left here wondering where life will take us next. It's stressful and sort of exciting, but sort of not because I hate having decisions made for me. Unless where they want us to move is absolutely awful, saying no may or may not be an option.
I am freaking out!
I can truthfully say that my life is never boring.
The hubby and I have been living in London for quite a long time now. We have done the travelling in Europe thing and have very much enjoyed the opportunity to live in a different country and appreciate a different culture and way of life. London is very much our home. We have built a life here, had two children here, and have another one on the way.
We have been talking for the past 6 months or so about being ready to move back to the USA. Since having Frostina, and the death of The Hubby's Dad, we are really feeling the pull back home. Our parents aren't getting any younger and we want Frostina to grow up being at least a bit closer to her family. The Hubby had a conversation with his HR department sharing our wish to go home a while back and left it at that.
We were then asked if we would agree to stay here at least one more year due to staffing issues and them not having a back up for him. We said yes which I figured worked out well with Baby Olea on the way. So I got pregnant and have been back with my doctor who I respect and trust. All was on schedule to have Baby Olea here in London and then we would plan to move back sometime in 2015.
BANG!
That's what you get when you make plans.
A few weeks ago The Hubby started hearing rumours that things were happening in the US division of his company. Rumours that included the fact that phone calls had been made asking about our availability to move sooner. Then he got a call asking very specifically about my pregnancy and when my due date was. We were also asked if there was a time line in which we would not be able to move. Our reply was that obviously there would be a few months immediately before my due date and afterwards when we would need to stay put here. Basically we told them that we could move now, or sometime in the Fall.
The Hubby is at a meeting this week for the whole company. I have now received two phone calls from him telling me that things are indeed going on with the US division and that it's looking very likely that he will be getting some kind of job offer. His company moves quickly once they make decisions like this so I'm expecting we will know more by the end of the week. But it looks like we will be making a move back to the USA.
Where exactly in the US is a different question. America is a pretty large country and at the moment we have no clue where the openings will be. Nor do we know if it would be a lateral move or a promotion. So needless to say I'm freaking out.
Yes, I am ready to be back on American soil. But there are definitely parts of the US that I would rather not live. I fear listing any of them here because then I know I will be sealing my fate and end up moving there. So I'll just say that I would prefer to be in a part of the country that is filled with open-minded people who have not allowed doctrine and scare mongering to rule their lives and decisions.
I would also prefer to live somewhere with decent weather. This California girl has been spoiled for most of her life as far as weather goes and the idea of shovelling snow in minus 10 wind chill doesn't really appeal. **There I go, cursing myself to a life somewhere in America where it snows. Sadly, the chances of us returning to California are slim so I'm certainly not getting my hopes up about that.
I'm left here wondering where life will take us next. It's stressful and sort of exciting, but sort of not because I hate having decisions made for me. Unless where they want us to move is absolutely awful, saying no may or may not be an option.
I am freaking out!
I can truthfully say that my life is never boring.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Frostina At 20 Months
Frostina is 20 months old now and is growing leaps and bounds. Her vocabulary is amazing, it seems she learns a new word every day.
She is also growing more independent which is a good thing,,,, and a not so good thing. I am also noticing that the terrible two's are a-coming. Or maybe they are already here.
Here are some tidbits about what life with Frostina is like these days.
She likes to bring me things when I'm sitting on the toilet. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that I don't really want them.
She randomly says "fuck." The first time she said it was in context (after bumping her head). Now she just spouts it off from time to time. She's even saying it for the babysitter. I swear I heard her say it at Gymboree today. Makes me so proud.
Speaking of Gymboree. Frostina has decided that she no longer needs to do what the rest of class is doing. She would much rather go rogue and do whatever she feels like. She's even missing bubble time which used to be her favourite. When it's time to leave she throws a huge tantrum,,,, nice.
She is still addicted to her binky. I have considered trying to limit binky time but then she started teething again (canines) so I'm leaving it for now.
She cried last week when the babysitter left but doesn't seem to cry when I leave.
She likes to bring me bits of fluff and crumbs off the the floor and say, "yuck." Though if the treasures she finds happen to be food then she eats them and says, "num num." Depending on how old the food is (don't judge me on my lack of vacuuming) it makes me say, "yuck."
She loves to feed herself which is super messy. She is proud of the fact that she can eat yogurt all by herself, holding the container and everything. She likes to take huge spoonfuls which overflow out of her mouth making a yogurt goatee. It's a very pretty sight.
She likes to crawl up on me while I'm sitting on the couch. Sometimes it's because she wants a cuddle, other times it's just a ploy to grab my phone off the table beside me. I'm just waiting for her to dial 999 (that's the UK equivalent of 911) when I'm not looking and then try to explain to the police that it's not a real emergency, just a toddler playing with the phone.
She alternates between giving her baby cuddles and throwing her baby on the floor. Note to self: do not let Frostina hold Baby Olea until she grows out of this.
We have explained that Mommy has a baby in her tummy. Sometimes she will point to my belly button and say, "baby." I can't figure out if she really understands or if she thinks that the word for belly button is baby.
She calls every small child, "baby." If she sees herself in a mirror or a photo of herself she also says, "baby." It's pretty funny when she calls children older than she is babies.
She is obsessed with balls, cars, birds, and dogs and will shout loudly the appropriate word whenever she sees one.
I think she has figured out that I am too tired to chase her around most of the time. Her response is to run around even more whenever I'm trying to get her to eat, sleep, change nappy, put shoes on, put coat on, etc. She finds this chasing game quite hilarious.
There are often tantrums during transitions. Even if she is hungry, she will protest going into her high chair. We also have issues with getting into the buggy (stroller) even though she loves to go outside.
I am obviously saying, "sit down" and "stop" too often because she is now saying both of those things to me. This morning when I was trying to get her dressed she said, "stop Mama." I've also caught her telling Pooh Bear to, "sit down" when she was trying to put him into the dolly's buggy.
She loves cuddles and kisses.
She likes to wear her mittens in the house, but when we're outside in the cold she refuses to keep them on.
She is adorable and amazing and exhausting all at the same time. I love her with all my heart.
She is also growing more independent which is a good thing,,,, and a not so good thing. I am also noticing that the terrible two's are a-coming. Or maybe they are already here.
Here are some tidbits about what life with Frostina is like these days.
She likes to bring me things when I'm sitting on the toilet. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that I don't really want them.
She randomly says "fuck." The first time she said it was in context (after bumping her head). Now she just spouts it off from time to time. She's even saying it for the babysitter. I swear I heard her say it at Gymboree today. Makes me so proud.
Speaking of Gymboree. Frostina has decided that she no longer needs to do what the rest of class is doing. She would much rather go rogue and do whatever she feels like. She's even missing bubble time which used to be her favourite. When it's time to leave she throws a huge tantrum,,,, nice.
She is still addicted to her binky. I have considered trying to limit binky time but then she started teething again (canines) so I'm leaving it for now.
She cried last week when the babysitter left but doesn't seem to cry when I leave.
She likes to bring me bits of fluff and crumbs off the the floor and say, "yuck." Though if the treasures she finds happen to be food then she eats them and says, "num num." Depending on how old the food is (don't judge me on my lack of vacuuming) it makes me say, "yuck."
She loves to feed herself which is super messy. She is proud of the fact that she can eat yogurt all by herself, holding the container and everything. She likes to take huge spoonfuls which overflow out of her mouth making a yogurt goatee. It's a very pretty sight.
She likes to crawl up on me while I'm sitting on the couch. Sometimes it's because she wants a cuddle, other times it's just a ploy to grab my phone off the table beside me. I'm just waiting for her to dial 999 (that's the UK equivalent of 911) when I'm not looking and then try to explain to the police that it's not a real emergency, just a toddler playing with the phone.
She alternates between giving her baby cuddles and throwing her baby on the floor. Note to self: do not let Frostina hold Baby Olea until she grows out of this.
We have explained that Mommy has a baby in her tummy. Sometimes she will point to my belly button and say, "baby." I can't figure out if she really understands or if she thinks that the word for belly button is baby.
She calls every small child, "baby." If she sees herself in a mirror or a photo of herself she also says, "baby." It's pretty funny when she calls children older than she is babies.
She is obsessed with balls, cars, birds, and dogs and will shout loudly the appropriate word whenever she sees one.
I think she has figured out that I am too tired to chase her around most of the time. Her response is to run around even more whenever I'm trying to get her to eat, sleep, change nappy, put shoes on, put coat on, etc. She finds this chasing game quite hilarious.
There are often tantrums during transitions. Even if she is hungry, she will protest going into her high chair. We also have issues with getting into the buggy (stroller) even though she loves to go outside.
I am obviously saying, "sit down" and "stop" too often because she is now saying both of those things to me. This morning when I was trying to get her dressed she said, "stop Mama." I've also caught her telling Pooh Bear to, "sit down" when she was trying to put him into the dolly's buggy.
She loves cuddles and kisses.
She likes to wear her mittens in the house, but when we're outside in the cold she refuses to keep them on.
She is adorable and amazing and exhausting all at the same time. I love her with all my heart.
Monday, 17 February 2014
17 Weeks And In Denial
I had my 16 week check up last week and all is well with little Baby Olea. My doctor has a small portable ultrasound machine so even on non-scan appointments I get to see her. It's always nice to have a peek to see how she is doing. Especially since I have an anterior placenta this time around so I hardly ever feel her moving around.
Does anyone have experience with anterior placentas? Will I feel less movement the entire pregnancy? Or just in the beginning?
On the way home from the appointment I realised just how much I am still in denial about being pregnant. When I was pregnant with Frostina I could barely sleep the night before any doctors appointment because I was absolutely sure I was going to be told bad news. I would stress for days before each scan.
This time, not so much.
Denial is a funny thing I guess.
It's easy to be in denial at this point. I'm in the just showing/could be getting fatter phase of pregnancy. I'm still wearing lots of my pre-pregnancy baggy sweaters so most days if you didn't know you would be afraid to guess. It's only on days when I'm wearing my maternity tops that it's more obvious.
Not really being able to feel Olea yet contributes as well. As does the fact that I have Frostina to chase around and keep my mind occupied.
I do have a few reminders that snap me out of my denial. The no-booze thing for one, and then there's the list of foods I can't eat. At least I'm remembering about them.
Oh, and I'm obsessing about baby names. I'm hoping that once we decide on her name that this baby will feel more real.
Perhaps this denial is a defense mechanism. I was so incredibly fearful during my pregnancy with Frostina that maybe my brain can't do it again. So instead it pretends to "forget" I'm pregnant so that I won't be so terrified this time. Either that or I'm just too tired chasing Frostina around to obsess like I did last time.
It's quite a strange phenomenon though. Though if experience serves me well, I'm sure it's one that will pass soon and the panic and fear will set in. So maybe I need to enjoy it while it lasts.
Does anyone have experience with anterior placentas? Will I feel less movement the entire pregnancy? Or just in the beginning?
On the way home from the appointment I realised just how much I am still in denial about being pregnant. When I was pregnant with Frostina I could barely sleep the night before any doctors appointment because I was absolutely sure I was going to be told bad news. I would stress for days before each scan.
This time, not so much.
Denial is a funny thing I guess.
It's easy to be in denial at this point. I'm in the just showing/could be getting fatter phase of pregnancy. I'm still wearing lots of my pre-pregnancy baggy sweaters so most days if you didn't know you would be afraid to guess. It's only on days when I'm wearing my maternity tops that it's more obvious.
Not really being able to feel Olea yet contributes as well. As does the fact that I have Frostina to chase around and keep my mind occupied.
I do have a few reminders that snap me out of my denial. The no-booze thing for one, and then there's the list of foods I can't eat. At least I'm remembering about them.
Oh, and I'm obsessing about baby names. I'm hoping that once we decide on her name that this baby will feel more real.
Perhaps this denial is a defense mechanism. I was so incredibly fearful during my pregnancy with Frostina that maybe my brain can't do it again. So instead it pretends to "forget" I'm pregnant so that I won't be so terrified this time. Either that or I'm just too tired chasing Frostina around to obsess like I did last time.
It's quite a strange phenomenon though. Though if experience serves me well, I'm sure it's one that will pass soon and the panic and fear will set in. So maybe I need to enjoy it while it lasts.
Monday, 10 February 2014
Frostina's Favourite Person
I would like to introduce you to Frostina's favourite person, her Daddy. Yes I know she still loves me too, but the way she lights up when he enters a room just makes my heart melt. I love that he is such a good Daddy to her, and I especially love watching them together.
I sure married well.
I sure married well.
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot
As most of you know, The Hubby and I struggled with infertility for YEARS before finally giving birth to Frostina. As most of my friends were having their first babies, I was struggling with infertility. As these same friends went on to have second and even third babies, I was struggling with infertility.
I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.
I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.
Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).
I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.
Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.
So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.
I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.
I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."
Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.
Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.
*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.
I still vividly remember buying new baby gifts and bursting into tears in the mall afterwards. I can remember having a panic attack on the way to meet a new friend's baby. I can even remember crying so hard on the way to a party at a newly pregnant friend's house that we had to turn around and go home.
I had my "brave face" down pat. I knew just how to smile and say congrats even when my heart was breaking. I knew just the right gift to bring to the baby shower even though my heart ached to be able to be shopping for my own baby. I don't think most people had any idea that I was suffering so badly.
Then I got pregnant with my son, and he died, and it all got much worse. Though now people knew I was suffering so I wasn't expected to have my "brave face" on as much. I was able to bow out of baby showers without even making an excuse, so I suppose that was a bit of an improvement (insert sarcasm here).
I've always been the one who didn't have children. I've always been the one who couldn't get pregnant. Then I turned into the lady whose baby died. The person who everyone tiptoed around, worried they would say the wrong thing. Bad things always happened to me while everyone around me had easy pregnancies with living babies in the end.
Lately though, things have turned around a bit and I am finding myself in uncharted territory. As I mentioned here before, two close friends have had miscarriages. They happened within a few weeks of each other and I didn't even know they were pregnant at the time. They didn't know I was pregnant either as it turns out because we were all in the early weeks of our first trimester.
So when it came time to announce my pregnancy to everyone I was not sure how to handle things. I can't even count how many times I've been the one to receive this kind of news after a failed fertility cycle or after a loss. But I've never been the person with the happy news trying to be sensitive to the person suffering a loss. It is a very unfamiliar place to be, and I want to make sure I handle it well.
I decided to email each of them personally before I posted the news on facebook. In each email I shared my sadness about their loss and explained that I didn't want them to be blindsided by my announcement. They both know my history, so when I said that I know where they are and how it feels I think they knew I was coming from a good place.
I got great response from them both. I think they were surprised that I reached out, but they both seemed very grateful that I had. They have both been very positive and supportive towards me. It seems that I am not the only one who is good at the "brave face."
Now I've just got to be sensitive in navigating through this pregnancy. They are both in Frostina's playgroup so I see them often. I want to be sure that it never seems like I'm bragging or flaunting my pregnancy. I will try to temper the new baby talk when they are around so as not to be insensitive.
Basically, I am now doing all the things people did around me. It feels so strange to have the shoe on the other foot. It's not a place I ever thought I would be.
*It goes without saying that as a BLM, I know that this pregnancy is not guaranteed. I know that things could change in a flash and I could be right back where I started. I know full well that thisshoe could pop itself back on it's more familiar foot. So please don't take this as cavalier or assuming that now that I'm pregnant it's all roses and butterflies.
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