Thursday, 28 March 2013

Not So Far Away After All

Lately I have been feeling like my son is very far away. I don't mean my grief. My grief is never far away, even after over 2 and a half years. I mean that I feel like he is far away. Slipping into the background. Slipping into the shadows. Like he's somehow getting lost in the hustle and bustle of normal life.

Far away from my everyday thoughts. Far away from my everyday life. I still think of him every day, but it's different now. Now that my everyday thoughts are filled with Frostina. My everyday life is full of taking care of her basic needs. Feeding her, changing her, washing her bottles, washing her clothes, taking her places,,,, it is all consuming.

Which often leaves little space for him. So he gets pushed back. Away from my everyday life. Until he feels so very far away.

But then something small happens, and he's back. Right there. Front and center. As if he never left the middle of my heart. As if there was never anything besides his loss in my life.

This time it was a simple comment made by someone who had no idea what she was saying. Something she probably says a million times a day without even thinking about it.

I take Frostina to Gymboree classes (which she loves by the way). The current term is about to end and they are running a special if you sign up early. You get a discount and four free classes. I was asking the lady if the four free classes are part of the normal term, or if they are four extra classes on top of what you normally get. The woman explained that they are above and beyond the normal term. Bonus classes she tells me.

"You can either use them for her, or if she has any siblings you can let them have the classes."

If she has any siblings.... if she has any siblings. That sentence echoed in my head. If she had any siblings, like let's say her older brother who died before he was born. If she had an older brother who she could play with instead of just hearing his name. An older  brother who could actually play with her instead of just being able to play with the teddy bear that was meant for him.

If she had a living brother, then he could use the extra four classes.

But she doesn't, so I guess she will just have to use the classes herself.

I was overwhelmed with sadness. Her far away brother, the one who I feel is fading away, will never be able to use her extra Gymboree classes. He can't play any active role in her life, because he isn't here. And I was reminded just how sad that makes me.

I'm sad that I will never know him. I'm sad that The Hubby will never know him. But I'm even more sad that Frostina will never know him.

The tears came and I did my best to fight them off. I mean seriously, who cries at Gymboree? It took a few minutes but I eventually won the battle with my tears. And I'm pretty sure no one noticed, or if they did they were too polite  to say anything. 

That's when I realized, maybe he's not so far away after all.


  1. I have felt so many of these same feelings. I've fought tears in places people typically don't cry. Its so hard, and it isn't seeming to get easier, is it. Thinking of you!

  2. I have felt so many of these same feelings. I've fought tears in places people typically don't cry. Its so hard, and it isn't seeming to get easier, is it. Thinking of you!

  3. Oh, this is so hard. Continuing to think of you...

  4. It is just not fair...I am sad that your whole family got robbed of knowing your beautiful boy. I totally get it...

  5. This hurts my heart, because I understand it so well.

    So not fair.

  6. I struggle with this as well. I have to remind myself it's ok, but I still feel nothing but guilty sadness. It stops me in my tracks when it hits. The innocently spoken words of another has the biggest impacts. I try to always tell my sweet girl goodnight before I go to sleep and someorninga I wake up I realize I may have forgotten to because I was exhausted and that even sends my mind to failure of remembering her. It's small, but it makes the biggest impact. Triggers are the pits. Especially in public. We have to forgive ourselves, excuse ourselves, and take time out. You're not alone. Hugs.

  7. There are quite probably others who attend the same classes as you who have the same feelings and would totally understand. Your grief is 'normal' and nobody would judge you for that x