So do you want to try for another baby? It's a question I've been pondering for quite some time now. Back in January I wrote in depth about all the different things racing through my head.
The key phrase there is "my head" as opposed to "my heart." That post was full of my logical brain trying to work out the best path forward. I usually make my major life decisions using my head. I don't know exactly why, it's just the way I'm wired. Mostly it has guided me well, but sometimes my head can get itself all confused and really run me in circles.
So over the past few months I've stopped pondering. I decided to see if I could figure out what my heart wanted. The problem for me is that my head is so loud that it's hard to hear what my heart is trying to say. I get so lost in the logic that I can't hear anything else. In order to listen to my heart, I have to make a conscious decision to just stop thinking so hard.
It took a while for my head to just shut up already. I occupied myself with other things, other projects, and things that needed to be done. Finally convincing my head to think about something else.
And now, here in the silence I am hearing a tiny voice. My heart, which is mostly drowned out by my head has something to tell me. At the moment it's still just a feeling. My heart takes it's sweet time you know. But this feeling I'm getting is that my heart wants very much for us to try again.
Hearing this, my head kicked right back into high gear with a million questions. What about this? What about that? Aren't you scared?
This time I'm not going to answer my head just yet. I'm going to take a bit more time so I can listen to my heart. I'm hoping the message will be clear to me soon enough.
Dealing with the loss of a child is never easy, but it's even more difficult when you are an expat living far from home. Life will never be "normal" again and so now the challenge is to find my new normal. I am now back in the USA and the proud parent of two daughters, born using two different egg donors. "Frostina" and "Olea" are the loves of my life and I feel so grateful for the amazing women who donated their eggs and made my family possible.
I am very happy that you are listening to your heart...I truly believe our most important decisions are made there. Hoping you get more clarity as time goes by.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I sooo get it right now.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to the both of us as we try to tune in.
It's all just so terrifying! Hoping your heart makes up it's mind quickly!!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh this made my heart flutter a little. Sending you lots of love and clarity.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I'm so like you in that way. So head-heavy!
ReplyDeleteKeep tuning in. I find walks in nature help turn off the head and allow the heart to breathe (if a heart can breathe...?)
Heart vs. head is a tough battle. I've often thought of it as regret management, my head being the sensible one and my heart being the one that will bear the burden of wishing... Hoping heart wins out for you!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I can so relate. This debate has been going on in my head/heart for many months now. Good luck and hoping that your heart gets out the megaphone if need be to be heard over your head.
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