After losing our son in 2010 walking around town was painful. Each happy Mother with her sleeping baby that I passed was a dagger in the heart. I used to wear my sunglasses everywhere to hide the tears that would spring into my eyes when I saw them. Tears about my loss and also a longing to be one of "them." A longing to have a living baby of my own that I could walk through town with.
Each baby I saw brought the same thought to my mind, "Well her baby didn't die." I would torture myself with this sentence. All these women whose babies didn't die, so why did mine have to?
I know it's morbid, but I often wondered how she would be if our situations were reversed. If she was the teary woman hiding behind her sunglasses and I was the happy new Mom walking through town with her new baby. I wondered if people could tell that the mere sight of their babies was causing me so much pain. If people could tell that I was damaged. Based on the comments I got about how well I was doing I gather that I did a good job at hiding my despair.
Earlier this week I turned a corner. I ventured out of the house to meet a few friends for lunch. It took some doing, but I finally got Frostina and myself ready for the occasion. I walked up to the restaurant to meet my friends who were eager to meet Frostina for the first time. We had a lovely time and Frostina miraculously slept the entire time. It was lovely to be out of the house. As nervous as I was to take her out, it really broke up the day and it's something I will try to do more often.
When I got home, I had an email from one of my friends who was at the lunch. Attached to the email was this photo. I didn't even realize she had taken it but she said I looked so happy she couldn't resist.
I took one look at the photo and an amazing thought hit me.
I know I have been reading your blog for awhile now, not sure if I have commented before. I just wanted to say I am so glad you are one of them. I felt the same way recently carrying a car seat into a restaurant. Congrats on your baby girl.
ReplyDeleteOh this post made my heart sing!!! Such joy! Enjoy every moment.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it feels so good to be on the other side. Looking forward to that day, but in the nearer future looking forward to my NT scan. Our entire neighborhood is full of young parents so I totally know how you feel.
ReplyDeletehappiness abounds when children are around... enjoy every minute - and always stop to smell the roses. :)
ReplyDeleteIts lovely to hear that you and lil Frostina are doing well. It's lovely to get out and about.
ReplyDeleteIt is a strange feeling when you finally land on the other side of the fence. Truth be told though, I mostly still don't feel like one of them. Still fell very other. Though I do love that my arms are no longer empty, no matter how different to them I am.
ReplyDeletexo
Look at you pushing miss Frostina down the streets of London. That's a precious picture. You ARE finally one of them. I'm really happy for you.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. It doesn't make our losses any easier, but as they say, it sure makes a difference to be on this side of the rainbow.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are one of them... but with a deep compassion in your heart for how precious life is and courage for getting through what you have. Love to you and your darling Frostina xoxo
ReplyDeleteIsn't it nice to be on the flip side. I'm sure there are mamas out there who have lost but cannot see your loss. I think about that with my living son. How peope can not see the broken part of my heart. I'm so glad you get to stroll down the street with frostina with a giant smile on your face. It's about time.
ReplyDeleteThat you are! I'm so very happy for you. What a great friend! You deserve this happiness.
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