Every Pregnant Woman Worries

A week or so back, I wrote about my experience of entering the world of normal pregnant women. It's been a deliberate choice for me, this attempt to act like a normal pregnant woman. A part of my efforts to fully embrace this pregnancy and this baby. My way of trying not to dwell on the fear and sadness that has carried over from my loss.

As my belly grows and I'm obviously pregnant I have realized that I'm here in this world, like it or not. Even though I felt like I had chosen it and therefore had some sort of control over it, I am learning that this is in fact not the case. People see me as a normal pregnant woman because like all other Baby Loss Moms, I don't walk around wearing a sign that says, "My last baby died." **Side note, maybe this would be a good idea. Kind of like people who have those, "My other car is a Porshe,"stickers. We could have, "My other baby died,"stickers. 

It's a tricky path to navigate, this pregnancy after loss thing. I've tried to be honest when people ask how I'm doing. Mostly I tell people that I'm super excited and super scared as well. As I tell this to more and more people (most of who know my history) I'm noticing a trend in response. I keep getting told that what I'm feeling is normal because every pregnant woman worries.

Really? My fear of losing another baby is normal because every woman worries about this?

I'm not trying to say that pregnant women don't worry about complications. I didn't worry at all after my 20 week scan but in hindsight that was just plain stupid. I am not trying to negate the fact that no pregnant woman wants her baby to die and the thought of anything going wrong would fill them with fear. But is my fear and worry really exactly like theirs?

Their fear is all in the abstract. What would happen if something went wrong? How would I cope? What would I do? Most people when they hear of a stillbirth would say that they don't know how they could get through it. They are scared, yes... but what they are scared of is unknown in practice.

For me, losing a child and living through stillbirth and it's aftermath is not the unknown. It is the harsh reality of my experience. I do know what would happen if something went wrong. I do know how I would cope. I do know what I would do. I know exactly how it all feels, and looks, and smells.

My fear is not that it will happen to me, but that it will happen to me again.

So in my opinion, my fear while similar to that of other normal pregnant women, is not the same at all. It isn't normal to be afraid of having another loss, it's sad and tragic. Because most people don't have any loss. Yes they are afraid of loss, but it never touches them in a real way. 

My fear (and that of all BLM's) is raw. I have a gaping wound that has barely begun to heal, and I'm scared of ripping it back open again. To fall back into the fog of grief and despair. A fog that I'm still working to find my way out of. It's a fear that I try desperately to suppress, so that it doesn't take me over.

I am sure that these women are just trying to be helpful, to make me feel a bit less neurotic. But it's really not the same thing, and I'm getting tired of smiling and agreeing with them when they say it.